3 yrs of dating, and still no commitment
Find a Conversation
3 yrs of dating, and still no commitment
| Fri, 07-23-2004 - 12:54am |
He's 45, I'm 40. He and I are both divorced and each have two children. I have a son who's almost 16, his son is 13. We both have 11 year old daughters. Our kids get along great. He's been divorced for 7 years, I've been divorced for 5. We both get along well with our ex's. He has met my ex and they are congenial towards each other. His ex and I have never met. She has had a difficult time with the fact that I am in his life, and was even worse when she learned that I met his kids and we starting doing things together. We've been dating exclusively for three years, and I'm ready to take the next step. He has told me recently that he doesn't want to get married again right now, and likes things the way they are. We love each other, enjoy our time together and have fun when we do things together such as traveling, camping, golfing, etc. Living together isn't an option until we are married. Another excuse he uses for not taking it further is that he feels like he'd be "cheating" his children if he brought us into their life on a full-time basis. I think there's more to it, like he's fearful of what his ex's reaction would be, although he adamently denies it. He tells me that he can see us married... someday... after the kids are older. I see no ring anywhere in sight, although I have not hidden the fact that I am ready to accept one if one was offered. I'm starting to feel like a failure, and am starting to question what his feelings for me really are. I tell myself to be patient, but find myself feeling more and more frustrated and less and less happy. I lost my 62 year old mother to cancer less than a year ago, and one thing I learned since going through that loss is that life is too short. I am fearful of investing too much time into a relationship that may end up at a dead end. The thought of ending the relationship has entered my mind more than once over the last couple weeks. I sure could use some advice... I love him and want him in my life. Am I expecting too much?

Unfortunatley, you two are not on the same page as to what you want your relationship to be. As much as I understand his fear of making this "permanent", as a ring would do that to him, you are entitled to be happy. If gettting married and being his wife would fulfill that for you, than by all means, you deserve it.
The next question to ask yourself is: Can you accept this indefinite answer from him? Can you continue to be with this man without the commitment of marriage? If you can, than be patient. If you dont think you can accept this, wothout reservations, then you need to move on. He doesnt want marriage right now. And to wait till the children are older is , Im assuming, asking you to wait at least 7 years till the youngest is old enough to be out of the house....can you do that??/
Best wishes,
No, certainly you are not expecting too much. It is perfectly normal and healthy to want to be in a married, committed relationship where you feel secure about your future and the future of your family. It is possible that this will not happen here. He is getting everything he wants now, without having to make that committment and give you the security you desire. It is very difficult dealing with re-constructed famiiles. There are many strains, loyalities, conflicts which always go on beneath the surface, as he described when he said it wasn't fair to his children to bring your part of the family in full time. It's hard feeling you may be betraying children or an ex-wife. However, if he is with you for a long wihle on an exclusive basis, this issues have to be faced, dealt with and overcome. You are right that it is not enough to say he sees getting married sometime in the future. That gives you zero sense of security - or what you need and want. The real challenge in a second marriage with children is to put the new partner first - to consider their needs primaryand take care of them as well as taking care of one's former family.
At this point you have to become clear about what you truly want in a relationship. If marriage is essential to you, set up a time frame and let him know that if you are not engaged or married by a certain time, you do not wish to continue. There is nothing wrong with this. He will have to face reality, meet your needs and you will see how serious he really is about what's going on between you. It is wise to take care of yourself in this regard. Time does go quickly and it is better not to waste time, love and energy in a relationship which will not or cannot give you what you need and want.
All good wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
He's saying until his children are grown and gone, perhaps until yours are too - he's not willing to cohabitate and marry.
Who cares whether he fears her reaction, who knows if it is becuase he doesn't want the parental obligation to more children than he's currently got...he doesn't want what you want.
He's dating....know what - dating is not about "a future". Dating is about enjoying what is available in the here and now with this person...and that is ALL he is doing with you.
He's not "dating' to find a partner.....you two have fallen into the "relationship pit" by default of circumstances.
You're both in your 40's, both single parents, both with a full set of obligations and requirements that you each created prior to meeeting one another. And so by default - there is little time to "date" in terms of the romantic and carefree sense....there is the option to spend time together, with your kids intermingled, because of your obligations and resopnsibilities -with some time spent with just you two - when situations permit.
You thinnk "this surely is a relationship" - there is comingling, there is intertwining, there is emotional investment and involvement. You're also probably thinking "I'd have NEVER let this guy meet my kids, involve himself in their lives, I'd have never had sex in front of my kids with a guy that wasn't committed to me and them. And you're thinking because you've done all teh things you'd "never do without commitment" - that commitment is now a requirement, an obligation on his part. I mean, you'd have never done this without commitment - only you DID DO IT WITHOUT COMMITMENT!
He on the other hand, again your post is limited, seems to have made it perfectly clear from the beginning that this is just "dating". This is all about the here and now, the present time. It's aboutenjoying what is available based on the obligations and situations of the present.
You've not met his ex, he won't cohabitate, he won't talk about "a future" in terms of anything concrete.
Well, people do what they do and want what they want - because of the values, priorities, standards, and goals that they have on a personal and individual level.
This guy is "dating" you - and by default of having few options in light of his situation - he can see "a future with you someday" - and he just as likely if you'd gget realistic is saying "I am going to have a future"......and he's saying maybe you'll be in it...which is true, maybe you will, maybe you won't - he doesn't know. He KNOWS for sure he's going to have a future...butwhat he's doing right now is all in the here and now, and based on situational dictate and requirement.
He didn't "use" you, he hasn't misled you...you've just refused to see what is for what it is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
"He has told me recently that he doesn't want to get married again right now, and likes things the way they are.....he feels like he'd be "cheating" his children if he brought us into their life on a full-time basis....He tells me that he can see us married... someday... after the kids are older."
So either you date for a few years and get married then or you decide you don't want to hang around.
'I think there's more to it, like he's fearful of what his ex's reaction would be, although he adamently denies it.'
So you don't believe him. Look, either you trust him and your plans and wants mesh or you get out.
I agree with doubleblade, good points.
You both come from failed marriages and both have responsibilities for them. You won't live with this man until married is crazy!!! enjoy your life with this man that loves you and wants to do things with you. What does a ring and marriage really mean to you now anyway??? commitment? that's just hype as you can see from you last marriage.
I've been married for 17 years, if it ever ended I would never get married again and if a woman I was dating (especially one that was divorced) was so hung up about getting married again and rings and things...I would date someone else, simple.
If you truly love this man and enjoy being with him as much as he with you than drop these petty things and enjoy your life.
Brent