33 yo H and his 20 yo friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
33 yo H and his 20 yo friends
4
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:53pm
Wondering if someone can help me with a little perspective here and tell me whether I am overreacting to this. H and I have been together 9 years, married 8. 3 kids. Lately, he has been spending a great deal of time on the weekends hanging out with the 20 year old guy he works with and his equally young girlfriend. Likes to smoke weed with them, I suspect. At their apartment until the wee hours of the morning. (He works nights so I suppose the time of day stuff is bound to be weird.) Doesn't invite them over to our house. Anyway, I just find it very odd that a 33-year-old married father of three would want to hang out with what I feel are a bunch of teenagers.

Suppose I should note that our marriage isn't, and hasn't been, rosy. H has been abusive, physically and emotionally, off and on throughout most of our relationship.

So is this is weird and I think it is. Or am I just overreacting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 11:27pm
Why is the physical abuse just a side note to you?? That is huge. This man doesn't respect you. What are you teaching your children about love, respect, honesty and how to treat others and be treated? Do you want them to end up in similar relationships? If you think they don't notice or don't pick up on some level, you are kidding yourself. Why have you put up with it for so long? Why do you think you deserve physical and verbal abuse?

This man is trying to get his youth back with these people and breaking the law and possibly yoru marriage vows at the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:39am
I should clarify that the abuse issues are simply a side note to this particular post, to offer folks some context. Certainly the abuse issues are not a side note in my life and are something I am in the process of dealing with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:12am
These 20 yr olds probably look up to him. He's older, more mature(not), owns stuff. It's cool to hang out with someone older when you are that age. I remember when I was 19, my bf had an older brother who was 30. We used to love hanging out with him and his friends. They were funny and had more money and they'd buy the beer(or in your case, maybe the weed?). It's easy to understand from their point of view. (I wonder if the gf's little girlfriends are giggling all over your H?)

Now, for your H. The abuse issue is definately a factor. Abuse is not the pattern of isolated incidents that you could describe to us. That is the *symptom* of the problem. A manifestation of the way an abuser thinks. Character is the sum of your habits. He habitually abuses therefore his character is undeniably that of an abuser. It's what his deep-rooted beliefs and values are. So, the abuse is *WHO* HE IS not what he does. It needs to be taken into consideration here and in ever single area of you relationship and life. He's an abuser.

Your H, as an abuser, does not have relationships with people the way you and I do. Someone is their friend if 1) they are generous and they give him things or 2) he can control and manipulate them into giving him things. The things could be anything, material or not - even an ego boost. Abusers never form alliances with the intent of giving only, or even an even, 50/50, give and take. They believe they are *entitled* to have everything their own way. They, and what they want, are the only things that matter in their world. Everyone should be catering to their current whim.

So, back to the 20yr olds. Looking through the eyes of your H, the abuser, these kids think he's cool to be around. I'm sure they laugh at all his stupid, distrespectful jokes. They'd never dream of telling him he should be at home with his wife and kids. He probably supplies them because he likes to impress them with his cash flow. Oooo...Ahhhh...etc. I'm sure they gang on his every word. Get it? He's in control. Any of his close relationships are based on people catering to him.

You deserve so much better than him. He will slowly suck the soul right out of you if you stay with him. His sense of entitlement to have you responsible for everything in his life, to the exclusion of your own, will slowly kill you. You will never get him to admit that his way of thinking is wrong. Any time you disagree with him or try to stand up to him, he thinks you are doing him wrong. The entitlement is so deep-rooted that in their minds, if we do not agree or comply, *we* are abusing *them*!

Well, you can look on the bright side. At least with him hanging out at their place, he's out of your face. When I was still with stbx(abuser), I was glad for the days he didn't come home. Much calmer and happier with me and my boys. I tensed up when I heard the garage door opener.(a couple times after he left, that sound triggered near anxiety attacks)

You deserve a real man. A grown up man. A kind and considerate man. A man who is capable of a real adult relationship of give and take. A man who would be *outraged* at the way you are being treasted by your H. Most men would, you know.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:24am
you say he's been abusive and yet the only thing you express concern about is him hanging out with a younger crowd? you both sound backwards as heck to me.