5 years of ambivalence and counting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
5 years of ambivalence and counting
2
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:53pm
Aside from a couple of break-ups, I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Within the last couple of years, we have viewed relationship tapes and attempted couples counseling. Neither seemed to be helpful. He has great qualities, such as loyalty, financial security, occasionally making me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, being a gentleman, very intelligent, attractive etc. These are some of the reasons I stay in this relationship. On the flip side of this, he typically has the empathy of a rock, and foremost, he is unfair with me. I will do things or go places with him to facilitate his happiness and spend time with him, which helps me to be happy. Whether I like what he wants to do or not, I can almost always be positive about it and have at least a little fun at it. He, on the other hand rarely does things I want to do. It is either a huge hassle to get him to go somewhere I want to go or he just flat out refuses. Aditionally, I seem to be much more interested in ways we can grow and improve the relationship, and despite my complaints, he acts like things are fine. As a couple, we are both loyal, love each other a lot, and have great sex. We also communicate poorly and get locked in power struggles. I just feel like he is often selfish and treats me unfairly. He's always been this way, and when we have broken up, he always seems to find the error of his ways, says he will try to improve, but never really does. My ambivalence centers around not wanting to give someone up I love, spent so many years with, and who offers the great qualities I mentioned; however, at the same time I do not want to settle. Are other relationships better or worse than this? Am I expecting too much? I've been holding on by a string of hope for so long and have done so much to try to make this work; but, I am getting older, recently completed my master's degree, getting started in my career, and I would really like to get married to the right person and have a family someday soon. Do I work with what I have or stop what could be wasting time? Thanks in advance for feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:39pm
My husband and I have had this problem. We've got a different one now. We found a hobby we both enjoy and can talk about and we do that one together. I have one that only I enjoy and he has one only he enjoys in addition to our together one. He snowmobiles (I don't like it), I have horses. Together we have street rods and drive around on sunny days. He doesn't like the horses but knows I do and after years of fighting about them has finally figured out they aren't a threat to him. He snowmobiles in the winter and knows that I don't enjoy that. Well, I would if he didn't go so dang fast! Had my own sled and was always trying to keep up. Slow rides, looking at the scenery was more my style.

Every once in a while his jealousy about my time spent with horses instead of him will rear it's ugly head but not very often anymore.

Hope this was a little helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:29pm
Thank you. Hopefully he will compromise soon or it's time to go.