Is $50,000 a reason to marry ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Is $50,000 a reason to marry ?
26
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:21pm
Ok, this is gonna sound stupid. I had been dating this guy, and we were friends for a while. That was the time I mentioned my grandfather had died and had left a life insurance policy and it was getting messy trying to get the paperwork. But the money was finally in my a/c jointly with my mom. But I didn't know how to invest it. Now there is a little more of money that will come in once the paperwork is completed. But I didn't tell him that. He was over at my place a couple of times though and had the keys to my home when I went outta town for a bit, & went over to help water my plants and collect my mail (did not open any). I was foolish and forgot my bank statements were lying around. I don't think he looked at them though, but I don't know (they were right there on my desk- I know, but I just forgot!).

He suddenly became extremely friendly & started talking about marriage and moving in together. And went from 'why wait if we love each other' to being sulky that I didn't trust him enough to marry him. I asked him bluntly if it was because he found out about the money and that there was a lot and he thinks I am getting a lot of it too. He said no and money did not make a difference. But since he jumped from being close but non-committed friends, to 'doesn't stop talking about marriage'. I wonder if it could be because he thinks I have more money that I have and also because it was around the time I told him about the $50,000, whether that was the reason.

Would that be a reason ? Would $50,000 be a reason to marry me or tip him in favor of asking ? Or was it just a coincidence. We didn't know each other for too long, about 6 months as friends and about 2 months as 'more than friends' at that point.

This is probably a really silly question but I just needed to know and if that is why he is with me then I don't think it is a good idea. Oh by the way, after we became serious a few months ago (after the above), he did start making me pay for many things because of his student loans and bills till we had a fight and I said I felt used and he changed and 'we' pay for things together now.

Thanks everyone in advance for your input !!!

Lydia

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 6:59pm
Make up a story to say the money's gonna be stuck in a trust fund for x amount of years or something like that. Tell him you and your mum thought it best to save it for your retirement or something and you won't be able to access it. Then see how keen he still is.

Honestly, I really don't like deception, but outright asking him if he wants you for your money is gonna make him offended and defensive, whether his intentions are honourable or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 8:04pm
It's not silly to question his motives given the circumstances. However, $50K may sound like a lot of money, but when you consider how fast you could spend it, you'd think a man who wanted to marry a woman for her money would go for someone with a lot more than that. You might tell him that you've been thinking about buying a luxury car that costs around 50 grand and how nice it would be have a car like that and not worry about making payments. See how he responds to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 8:05pm
First of all there is something wrong with talking about marriage after two months of real dating.

'being sulky that I didn't trust him enough to marry him.'

Is he a mature, giving boyfriend?

If he is after the money, exactly how long does he think $50,000 will make him happy anyway?

Tell him that you and your mother agreed that you aren't touching the money and it is now tied up for many, many years. Or tell him you plan to use it to help your mother when/if she ever needs long term care and gage his reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 12:51am
It's not a silly question. Some people do marry for money... and considering that your bf has considerable school debt, I can understand how you'd wonder whether or not his possibly seeing the bank statements made him think that you might be his sugar-mama. Not silly - but smart to wonder about!

Maybe there is some way that you can make him think that you no longer have any money coming to you. Make him think that you're broke somehow... and then see if he's still interested when he thinks you're a pauper. Tell him that you don't have money to be spending on him or on going out... even if you do! And see how he treats you for a couple of months. If he treats you just as good as he has been... than maybe he isn't after your money and does genuinely care about and want to marry you. But, if he starts being scarce... then you'll know your gut was right.

Just a thought. Women sometimes forget to listen to their intuition. That little voice in your head or that feeling in your gut that trys to warn you about things. Maybe it's trying to tell you something? Then again... maybe not. :) Only you know that. Hope that helps a little. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:43am
Thanks so much for your replies everyone !

I will try your suggestions and talk about transferring out the money to mom. I know though that he may not believe me, because he knows how much I value having something in my bank account and how scared I am of being bankcrupt. The 'spending it on something' part he will not believe, because he knows I am very careful with my money. But yes I will talk about it being all mom's (except she has a weak heart and he knows where the $ will go next).

The only thing that made me think was, I am in Texas, so if we do get engaged and then married I hear that he gets half of what I have. And my mom is getting more than the $50K in installments that I think he knows about or guesses about. And she has told me clearly its mine (well most of it). So even though I love him, I would really hate it if things didn't work out and he walks away with half of what I have. 50K may not be much but for me it is a helluva lot of money since I have had to work so hard to get the smallest amount of money saved up.

Thank you for your replies again, it definately helped knowing I was not being paranoid and it was a valid thought. Incidentally I didn't ask him rudely, just jokingly, about whether he wanted to marry me because he thought I had more money coming in (yes I know, he won't say yes even if he was thinking about it). About him being a mature/giving boyfriend, not really, but he said he will work at it and he is. I can see him make the effort especially after we almost broke up and I told him he was taking advantage of me making me pay for everything. He said he doesn't want to lose me and stopped doing that. He said he wants to make this work and is learning because this is his first serious relationship (he's 25)

Thanks !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 10:18am
Buy a book on prenup agreements and ask him which type of prenup he would be willing to sign if you were ever married.....I had my husband sign a prenup before we were married! And he gladly did that after having his attorney look it over (standard procedure).
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 1:30pm
Thank you, that is a very good suggestion. However in my case, when I mentioned a prenup. agreement, he had said sure, but then everything that is his will remain his too, including the house. I had moved in last month at his insistence when my apartment lease ended, mainly because I thought it would be nice to see firsthand how it works out. I pay half his mortgage and utilities. He said that would continue but if we sign a prenuptial agreement, he will keep his house. So I stopped thinking about it, because if we are engaged and get married & have kids etc, after e.g. 10 yrs, if something happens and it leads to divorce (yeah I know my brain doesn't stop thinking), I will be left with no roof over my head & kids to take care of inspite of having shared all bills equally. on't get me wrong, I'm not after his things, it would just be hard to not have a home if that happened, after many years. He didn't budge on that one so wasn't sure if it was wise to insist on it. But he's not a bad guy, I really do love him, just can't figure him out sometimes :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 2:22pm
So, you are living in his house paying half the bills? And you have nothing in writing? This changes everything. You should have a "living together" agreement if you continue to pay part of his mortgage payment for very long. If you do not care about the money you are tossing out on a house you have no rights to, go ahead and think of it like rent.

It sounds like you are more serious about this guy than we thought. If so, there is no hiding that money or lying about it now. And you cannot have it both ways with a prenup. Unless you word the prenup the way you want.

My husband and I worded our prenup so that he gets half the house if anything happens so he is not left out in the cold. I get my other assetts and half our house.

Your boyfriend is incorrect in saying you would not get half the house. You would get half of it if he agreed to it in the prenup. Ask any attorney.

This guy is starting to sound a little bit shady.....and he knows too much or appears to know too much about prenups, etc. No wonder you are concerned...your instincts are trying to tell you something...while your emotions are blinding you to any truth that you might uncover about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 3:06pm
I think he is saying that the prenup(or his prenup) would include him keeping the house.

I agree that he is sounding shady and I would be very careful here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 3:14pm
So, see? He is not willing to change "his" prenup to give her half the house. He holds it over her in a way.

Yet he is making her pay for half of HIS house payment now, is that fair????

And they have only known each other for 6 months.....wow.

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