Is $50,000 a reason to marry ?
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| Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:21pm |
He suddenly became extremely friendly & started talking about marriage and moving in together. And went from 'why wait if we love each other' to being sulky that I didn't trust him enough to marry him. I asked him bluntly if it was because he found out about the money and that there was a lot and he thinks I am getting a lot of it too. He said no and money did not make a difference. But since he jumped from being close but non-committed friends, to 'doesn't stop talking about marriage'. I wonder if it could be because he thinks I have more money that I have and also because it was around the time I told him about the $50,000, whether that was the reason.
Would that be a reason ? Would $50,000 be a reason to marry me or tip him in favor of asking ? Or was it just a coincidence. We didn't know each other for too long, about 6 months as friends and about 2 months as 'more than friends' at that point.
This is probably a really silly question but I just needed to know and if that is why he is with me then I don't think it is a good idea. Oh by the way, after we became serious a few months ago (after the above), he did start making me pay for many things because of his student loans and bills till we had a fight and I said I felt used and he changed and 'we' pay for things together now.
Thanks everyone in advance for your input !!!
Lydia

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Lastly and I guess I should have mentioned this before. A while ago when we spoke about moving in together when my apt lease ends, we had started buying groceries together to save on costs & we kept having huge arguments when I kept ending up paying for everything & then he would pay for like pizza etc and say he chipped in too but it would be 1/4 of what I paid. So many arguments later he said ok fine, lets open a joint account and put equal money in for groceries and use it. So its not a credit card and we can close it if we want to. So to end the fights, I did. We use it for buying groceries and I added him to my cellphone plan and he added me to his car insurance so it evened each other out.
I know it probably sounds wierd but it sounded so logical at the time & now (again after many talks about me thinking this is going too fast) when I said we should close the account and just use cash, he said no and he now direct deposits his salary to it (he earns just as much as I do) but I didn't & we put my share of the mortgage, groceries etc in it and use it to pay bills.
I'm not as stupid as I am probably sounding here, I was just really depressed at life before him and me became close and he knows I really do love him (we get along SO great, and laugh all the time).
I just wasn't sure if this sounds ok, whether I'm setting myself up with something legal because this is texas & yes, he seems to know about laws here & stuff and I pretty much don't really know too much.
Yikes, I didn't mean to keep talking about me so much. ! I'm just a little confused about whether he just really loves me and this is his way of getting closer or if there is something else going on here & whether the timing of his finding out about the life insurance policy had anything to do with it. If it doesn't cool I'll just stop overanalyzing but I don't wanna do the dumb thing if this isn't right. Which is why I thought I'd post here to get second opinions.
Thank you again everyone, hope you have a great day tomorrow :)
Lydia
1. You have joint accounts
2. You have merged your insurance
3. You live in his home and are contributing financially
4. He is already talking about finances when you marry him.
5. You are buying food together.
Sounds almost like you have a marriage NOW without any of the protections and benefits. What you are doing is way too soon since you do not know what kind of guy he is yet.
He sounds like he is controlling, trying to push you into forming the joint accounts with him, etc.
I would squirm out of this one if I could and pay the extra money and move back out. He is trying to control you and you do not see it.
So you would also be responsible for his house payments(what if he lost his job?) but in the event of divorce you wouldn't get half of the house? That sounds shady to me. I wouldn't trust this guy no matter how much he made me laugh.
Please do not put your name on anything. Honestly, you haven't known each other long enough to be even having these conversations.
And what about your depression. Did you deal with that or do you see him as the cure to your problems??
I tried to post a reply but the screen went blank I'll try again. In short, everything just seemed to smoothly fall into place so even though everything felt rushed, it was like it was probably just fitting into place. e.g. the reason we had joint insurance etc was he came with me when I went to get my cellphone and liked the phone & rates for family plans & thought it would be cheaper for both of us (we don't use minutes beyond our free minutes each month). And since his car insurance was cheaper he said he could add me to his since that is around the same amount as the cellphone bill split. The bank a/c was only opened after our fights and it pretty much ended our arguments. Now the money we put in there for mortgage, bills etc is what we use to pay for everything & he doesn't keep asking me to pay for things (except restaurants etc which we alternate). I told him I want to take my name off or atleast that he should have a separate a/c for his salary since I was uncomfortable with his direct deposit going to our joint a/c since I don't think I will ever do that, but he said this was mainly because he was changing sine I felt I kept paying for everything so its like, now I have a problem with this too. And one of the reason, last straw, which led to opening this a/c was when he asked if I wanted to share the cost of the new lawnmover & vacuum he wanted to buy & I flatly refused since it was for his house. And it was another argument at that time and he said he just asked my opinion, didn't ask me to pay for it all I had to do was say no. So finally after that fight the joint a/c was opened to avoid all of that and he paid for it from there.
I tried to take my name off, but he needs to sign too. And he said its not like a credit card so whats my problem. I actually have access to that money too. And he said whatever is left after paying bills (not much right now) will eventually be invested for our future when we're married and since he finally sounded like he was thinking ahead I thought that was sweet.
That is why I'm confused. It's like he's trying hard to make this work and to end arguments, which did work. So when he says nothing he says or does seems to satisfy me, I wonder if he is right. He is probably in his own way being thoughtful as best as he knows how, and trying to make this work, even if it is very early/quickly in our relationship. So should I even be complaining when there are so many men out there who won't even commit.
Yikes, didn't mean to take up so much of your time again. I'm sorry I hope I don't sound selfish. I usually don't post replies to other questions here since I don't think I am qualified to do that.
{Hugs} Thank you again for taking the time to read everything and for replying my posts :)
1. I know he is the ONE for me!
2. I love him madly, he is the love of my life!
3. I have been waiting for him forever, he was meant for ME!
4. I want to live with him for ever and have his children!
5. I am passionate about him in every way.
6. I want him above any others.
7. I will never want to date others again.
8. He is the ONE for me forever.
9. I will marry him and be happy forever
I just do not hear these things from you. Are you sure you are not settling here?
Well, I AM settling. I don't think he is the ONE but the last time I thought I had found the one, I was left hurt & alone when it didn't work out. And I am sure I won't find anyone if I keep waiting for the perfect one for me, because I am quite shy and I'll probably just wait around till I'm too old to find anyone. But that isn't even the reason, I just feel really really uncomfortable living alone. I was scared every single day that I went home to my apt. I kept wondering whether there would be something bad that would happen, someone waiting, someone who could break - in and nobody would know what happened to me. I heard stories of break-ins in apartments and the stuff that can go wrong. I'm really not sure I want to go back to being alone again. And with him, I atleast have him around. I know, it sounds lame, but I just really don't like the alternative. I guess I'm just not strong enough & even though I have trust issues with my guy and sometimes I feel so trapped, I just don't have an option and he isn't a bad person and he promised to change and is trying, about some issues we had other than finances (flirting & stuff which he stopped after we 'talked'/argued about it). Even though I understand that I need to be happy on my own .. I tried that and just couldn't do it. :( Does that make me just a coward ? I don't know, I just know I'm scared to be otherwise.
I think it fell into place because he had a smooth answer to everything so that he could control you and your money.
Please listen - it wasn't an oversight on his part when you ended up paying for all the groceries and had to set up the joint account to deal with it. I'm sure it was intentional. He wasn't "just asking" when he wanted you to help pay for his lawnmower. He's been testing your limits, and though you've drawn the line in most of these instances, you really have to question why he'd do it in the first place. Does this really sound like a man who has your best interests at heart?
I think your aura of vulnerability attracted him, and you need to be concerned about why. You are much stronger than you think you are - the way you've stood up to him when he's crossed the line is proof of that. So don't let your guard down or do a flip-flop and convince yourself that everything's fine when it seems he's being a good guy. A good guy wouldn't have done those things that caused your doubts in the first place. It's all about his basic character and I don't think he can change that fast, even if he actually means to. In fact, an immediate change indicates something else to me. It's more likely that he realizes that you aren't such an easy mark, and is now changing his tactics. I don't think you know who this man really is, and you should give it a lot more time before making any serious commitment to him - time not spent living with him.
Get a roommate and live life as a single, independent woman who won't settle.
Well, I never really thought about it that way. You're right, he doesn't seem to have my best interests at heart does he. And if I had said yes, today I would be paying for almost everything (including >50% of his mortgage since he had at one time said he wants to pay more to reduce the principal & had suggested my share would be more too etc)
Sigh. Well this really sux :/ I don't really know about finding a roommate who is trustworthy and willing to live in an apartment with me, but I guess I have to atleast start packing up so I can move (unbelievable how stuff collects & spreads all over the house).
Thanks so much you gals, with all my heart ! You didn't have to reply yet you took the time everyday, to read through everything I wrote and provide advice that seems really really sound.
I guess there was a reason why I felt SO uncomfortable inside with my relationship. This is scary now though, 'cause I know I'll be staying on my own for a while again soon. Has anyone tried to find a roommate to live in an apartment ? Is it safe and does anyone know how it works ? I wish I wasn't as shy and had more friends. Guess I should just look for a really small apartment and pray I don't get a nervous breakdown :P
Thanks again, I should get off the soapbox now I guess :) You gals made a lot of sense, I think I just didn't see it & you're right, he is an extremely smooth talker, has an answer for everything that is just so perfect.
{{{Warm Hugs }}} thanks so much for being here for me
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