Is $50,000 a reason to marry ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Is $50,000 a reason to marry ?
26
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:21pm
Ok, this is gonna sound stupid. I had been dating this guy, and we were friends for a while. That was the time I mentioned my grandfather had died and had left a life insurance policy and it was getting messy trying to get the paperwork. But the money was finally in my a/c jointly with my mom. But I didn't know how to invest it. Now there is a little more of money that will come in once the paperwork is completed. But I didn't tell him that. He was over at my place a couple of times though and had the keys to my home when I went outta town for a bit, & went over to help water my plants and collect my mail (did not open any). I was foolish and forgot my bank statements were lying around. I don't think he looked at them though, but I don't know (they were right there on my desk- I know, but I just forgot!).

He suddenly became extremely friendly & started talking about marriage and moving in together. And went from 'why wait if we love each other' to being sulky that I didn't trust him enough to marry him. I asked him bluntly if it was because he found out about the money and that there was a lot and he thinks I am getting a lot of it too. He said no and money did not make a difference. But since he jumped from being close but non-committed friends, to 'doesn't stop talking about marriage'. I wonder if it could be because he thinks I have more money that I have and also because it was around the time I told him about the $50,000, whether that was the reason.

Would that be a reason ? Would $50,000 be a reason to marry me or tip him in favor of asking ? Or was it just a coincidence. We didn't know each other for too long, about 6 months as friends and about 2 months as 'more than friends' at that point.

This is probably a really silly question but I just needed to know and if that is why he is with me then I don't think it is a good idea. Oh by the way, after we became serious a few months ago (after the above), he did start making me pay for many things because of his student loans and bills till we had a fight and I said I felt used and he changed and 'we' pay for things together now.

Thanks everyone in advance for your input !!!

Lydia

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:08am
Good luck. I have found roommates through roommate services. I am sure you can find them online or in the phone book. Try real estate offices for referrals. Can you afford to rent a 2 bedroom and then find a roommate? You can screen them first.

I really enjoyed living alone too. Maybe you should get in touch with what makes you nervous about that option too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:08am
The most honest roomate I ever had was a Japanese exchange student. I called the "Exchange student office" and they sent her. They paid me $300 a month plus food. She was neat, clean, nice, used only four dishes the whole time, was mostly there during the night, gone during the day.

But you can get your ad up on local college bullitan boards. Get a woman with a job as a roomate. Or look in the paper for roomate ads. I found a huge beautiful house once where 3 women rented there. My bedroom was big and had a view. The women were nice. That worked out good for me for a while.

You can also put ads up where you work. Tell all your friends you are looking and they may come up with one too. Your local gym may have healthy women roomates to live with.

I am glad you are getting away from this guy. Believe me, when you find that man you truly LOVE, the one meant for YOU, you will thank us later and be glad you waited for him. You deserve a man to LOVE.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:49am

This does not sound good. It could certainly be a reason in his mind, especially since he has loans and there was an issue about your paying for things before. Clearly, money is on his mind. Also, you've only known him for 6 months and some of that was as friends. Doesn't sound as though You know him well enough to marry him or that you even want him. The fact that he's jumping on this as soon as he heard about the money is very distressful and doesn't feel right. Take a big step away. Take a good look at what's going on. Some people get married, grab the money and divorce. Anything could happen. There's no reason for you to feel you have to marry him either just because He has suddenly started talking about it. You barely know each other and said he was non-committal before. It sounds as though he could be a user, or someone with a strategy. Take it very, very very slow. Tell him marriage is out of the question for now and see how he reacts. Tell him that the money will be invested anyway in your mother's name and see if he's still so interested in tying the knot.


Be careful and be wise. Take plenty of time, and I mean plenty before choosing a mate.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:50pm
Thank you again Krazycatt & Ciao_Gina...

:) Can't stop thanking you both for your advice. Currently I can't afford a 2 bedroom apartment on my salary but I'm gonna do this- I'm starting to collect my stuff so its easier to move & when I do, its right there and I won't have to argue with him as I'm collecting/packing it (official excuse is that I'm just cleaning up). I think I will look for one bedroom apartments in the meantime and see if they have any with alarm systems in them. One (amongst many) of my fears is safety, when I get home. That will give me time to look for a roommate or trying the living alone option again. I like being on my own too, except other than being very lonely, its terrifying when it gets dark and I have to be alone in an empty apartment. Also since I have had silly things that kept happening before e.g. when I fell ill, or choked once and the only reason I'm alive today is because there was someone to call 911 when I couldn't breathe or take me to the hospital when I was too ill to getup (no it wasn't serious, I just made it worse by not taking care of me when I got the flu etc). I know I have issues to work through (fear of being alone, fear of the dark/night, fear of being physically attacked since I heard about a few people I knew who were, fear of driving to work in thunderstorms/sleet/... you name it..) :)

Sigh.. ok I so hope I get through this, but I know I can soooo do without the constant very uncomfortable feeling I keep getting now and having to argue my way through everything. Plus when my money is gone and the next woman with a bank balance comes along, I don't think he will continue being with me. Oh well lets see, gonna do the 'I need space' talk and see his reaction. If he did love me, he wouldn't have a problem waiting but I know he won't because when I had tried talking about moving out for a while, he mentioned that I'll only be coming back to a boyfriend in very high debt if I left. But now I'm beginning to realize I really should stop thinking about what will happen to him financially if I left.


It's probably going to be a little while before I can pack everything, find an apartment and get out but I'm gonna do it.

{{Big Warm Hugs}} thanks again for replying. And I'm sorry I took up so much space/time on the board. It just really really helped talking to someone who wasn't biased and all of you are just awesome when it comes to giving good advice !! I've been getting misty eyed everytime I read your replies. It feels so good that someone cares enough to read through everything I yap about and give their input and not even get anything out of it.

THANK YOU !!!!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:55pm
It might be easier and quicker if you look for a woman who already has a place and is seeking a roommate. Prospective roommates will interview you first (make it a two-way interview), and you'll be able to determine if you have compatible living styles. If you encounter resistance or anger from your BF when you tell him of your plans, you might consider moving in with your mom on a temporary basis. You can always put your stuff in storage if need be. Whatever you decide to do, please don't hesitate to come back to these boards for more help. We're rooting for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 9:11pm
Thank you Charite !! I can't move in with my mom since she doesn't live near here and it would mean a big move including quitting my job which I can't afford to right now. But thank you for your concern.. I started looking at apartments online today and I'll look for people looking for roommates too. Thanks so much for rooting for me. I wish I could be there if you gals ever need anyone to talk to too.

Again thank you so so much for being here. May God bless you all for being the awesome people you are !!

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