7 year itch?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
7 year itch?
5
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 4:32pm
new here- little background..sorry if this is kinda long. My husband & I will have been married 7 years this Sept. He was married b/f more for a short time & we met after they separtated...things moved quickly & we moved in together. Got married after a couple year-I pushed a lot for marriage and for our relationship. In Jan we have a big discussion and he tells me that he loves me but doesnt know if he is "in love w/me". We really dont fight, we get along well, I let him pretty much do whatever he wants, etc. He is self employed (i make more that he does). We do still have sex 2-3 x per week. He doesn't reject any of my affections. We talk about some stuff. We have never been good at communication really. He tells me he has felt like this the entire time we have been married and when we got married, but tried to ignore the feeling & make it better. I do not believe that he was ready for a serious relationship so soon after divorce. I am 28 and he is 35. He has always been a little immature & likes to have more fun that work. I am so devastated by this revalation because I have always loved him completely and thought he loved me as well. He says he loves me.....but maybe his is missing that spark? Maybe depressed? Maybe midlife crisis? Maybe upset because I have a bigger paycheck? I am so confused. I also found out that after all of this came about he was thinking about buying a camper to live in (we share 10 acres with his parents) and move out for a while. He has since decided that he is going to stay, and we did go to counseling some. The counseler gave us some worksheets to do & things to think on. Hubby says we will start going to church and try what the counselers says. All of his friends and his family think he is crazy for this because we seem to fit so well together. I go from being fine one day to a emotional wreck the next and am not sure where we stand. I love this man so much and am willing to do whatever it takes to make us both happy (even if it means letting him go-which I don't believe in divcorce in most cases- there are exceptions), but I am so scared. Even the counseler said our situation was "weird" because we really dont have that much wrong- just my husband's feelings. Just looking for similar situations, advice, and support. I want our marriage to work & us both to be "happily married". Sorry for the length of this post- appreciate any who read it. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 5:20pm

Welcome to the board heatherhoneyone,


Are you two still in counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:05am
This is why it's not wise to push someone into marriage. It's clear your husband wasn't ready to recommit to someone after his divorce. Anyone who would threaten to live in a camper to get away from his wife has huge issues he hasn't dealt with. You are seeing this as about you .. or both of you .. but it's rimarily about him. You need to take a breather from your marriage while he comes to terms with his previous failed marriage and his ambivalent feelings about you, and you try to figure out why you are so set on staying married. Are you really so in love with him, or are you in love with the idea of being married? Tell him you want to live apart for a couple of months while he figures out (with counseling, let's hope) what he wants in life and you figure out how much you are willing to sacrifice just to stay married. Clearly, you aren't going to resolve it while you are together and pulling in opposite directions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:18pm
Maybe he feels like the relationship is in a rut. Maybe you could take a vacation together or try to do things you used to do when you first started dating. Or you could try something new that you have always wanted to do but just haven't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:38pm

Here is the most important statement;

'He tells me he has felt like this the entire time we have been married and when we got married, but tried to ignore the feeling & make it better.'

He got in a relationship too fast and never admitted to himself that he wasn't ready. Then you push him and he doesn't back down.

This isn't about depression causing problems in the marriage, a 7 year itch or being in a rut. It sounds like he was never strong enough to acknowledge his own feelings and didn't think hard enough about wht he was doing and he took you with him which wasn't fair.

You may not believe in divorce but it only takes one person to end a relationship. I am sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:27pm
thanks for the response & the welcome...we went to a little counseling, then he broke his right arm & being self-employed has been unable to work for 2 months & he doesn't feel like we should spend the money on couseling because his insurance does not cover it and it is expensive. I believe we will go back once he is able to earn money again, but I think he needs to go to individual counseling more than we need to go to couples counseling. I did read Men are from Mars/Women from Venus & found it helpful.
I never thought of love being like that- I always thought it was all about the feeling. I will tell my husband this. I will pickup a couple of those books too. thanks!