8 yr marriage - many problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
8 yr marriage - many problems
1
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 3:52pm
I am 36, married for almost 8 years. We have three children, ages 5 1/2, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. Yep - close, but lots of fun!!

Since day one my dh has been very possessive. Wherever I have worked, he has accused me of cheating on him. I have had to quit jobs because he makes it so hard on me. Always accuses me of cheating on him.

Both of us were very premiscuous (sp?) when we met. He still has the same attitude towards women, I hope that I have changed my towards men.

For the past 6 years, I have stayed home with my children. When I owned my own business (Pampered Chef), he was fine when I went out and did shows. The last two holiday seasons I have worked at Target and he made it so hard for me each time - always accusing me of cheating with someone. Why was I late? Even when I come home from church - why am I late? It is ridiculous.

So I started a new job last week. There was a guy there - MM - that showed a lot of interest in me. I do not know if it was innocent or not - but it was nice to have the attention. I emailed him innocently (well maybe not) about a band that he suggested I go see sometime. Almost sounded like he wanted me to go with him to see them. He emailed me back, but both were casual. I have to work tonight and do not know if he is working or not.

Last night I had some training with vendors and dh asked me if how come I was 10 minutes late and if I had s** with the guy to get my dh some extra hunting clothes. He is always like this and I cannot stand it.

I have always been a very independent person. Married when I was 28, he was 30. Guess we thought we could save each other from a life of destruction. It was a long distance relationship at first, we were in love. Then I moved in with him and lots of things changed. I have almost left him 3 or 4 times, just never have the guts to do everything on my own again, especially with three kids.

I know that having an affair would be very destructive to my relationship and could prove devastating for my children. I am just looking for something fulfilling in my life and this is not it anymore. Do not know where to turn. We have been doing some couple things with other couples for about 1 1/2 yrs, but it does not help. He has not changed in all these years and I expect he never will.

I would love to go back to work full-time, and may have the opportunity with the job I just started. I just have to figure out what to do with my kids during that time. Have no family members that could watch them.

This is all starting to weigh heavy on my mind. We do not get along at all - fight about almost everything. He yells in front of the kids, which I do not like. My 5 1/2 yr old has a habit of telling everything that is said and done in our house.

I appreciate any advice that you have.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 12:05am
Sounds to me that you are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I suggest you get professional help - counseling through your husband's insurance or through your church. If you would like some added support, consider calling 1-800-977-SAFE not because you need to go to a shelter, but because they could give you a number in your area so you can get together with a good support group-and most have children facilities and counseling for children.

Counseling can give you a safe place to vent, make a game plan AND build your self-esteem and confidence in your decision to leave if that is what you want to do.

Reading material to consider also:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan

The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz

My best to you and your children.

PS I feel I must add something here about looking to someone else to save you, if you look to another relationship/man to save you from your situation, it won't work out the way you hope... think about that independence you use to have, embrace it, find your way, then meet someone new. Attention is great, but it's not the answer to the problem.


Edited 9/5/2004 12:08 am ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie