Abandoned & Heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Abandoned & Heartbroken
7
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:00pm
He left me on Sunday.

After two years, through good and bad, through a miscarriage, and many travels together- he's gone. I am devastated to say the least.

We had yet another fight about his family. He's very close to them and won't stand up for me. We are an inter-racial couple- he's Asian, I'm white. His family is very traditional, and I am divorced of a 11 year marraige with a 10 year old son. His family does not approve of my son or my situation. I am 'tainted' in their eyes.

My son loved him dearly. Although he already has a dad, my son started calling him 'dad' as they hung out every single night, and on weekends. My son is special- he has a learning defecit- and my ex-fiancee, found his way around it by introducing him to strategy games.

Now, without even a trace, he's gone. He told me on Sunday to pack my things and leave his house. Five and a half months pregnant, I packed my things, loaded them into Rubbermaid totes and loaded them into my Cherokee.

Sunday, I had enough- his brother had told me F-- You C--t for the last time. To me, this was the ultimate form of disrespecting a woman and completely unacceptable. He didn't care. He defended his brother and trash talked me right in front of me. Calling me names, telling me (again for the millionth time) how much he hates me, how I ruined his life, his career, how he regrets ever meeting me. And I stood there, tears streaming down my face, begging him to sit down and talk with me. He refused.

He is not an undereducated poor man. This is a man of two post graduate degrees, an executive who just bought a $330,000 home for 'us'. I can't believe he did this to us.

He told my son and me that he never really loved me, that he just went out with me because he felt pity for me, then guilt over my son's illness. He said he only proposed to me to shut me up because he thought I might stop bugging him.

He hasn't called me at all since Sunday before the break up. I called him Monday night, after crying and told him that I loved him, and how much I appreciated all of the things that he has done for us, that I want to make our family work, and that I can't bear to take off my ring. His reply was "I wish I could go one day without having to hear your voice".

I haven't contacted him since. In the first months of our relationship he cheated on me with one person (not sex, but dating) and a couple of times after that, I caught him with personal ads up. All that stopped, but his online porn addiction was harder to work through. We finally did, though.

I should tell you, I am not planning on doing anything. He says he doesn't care about me or about being a father. My son went into the hospital Monday night and asked to talk with him, that was when I called. He wouldn't talk to my son instead he told me that he's not a doctor and that there was nothing he could or would do.

I feel stupid for even asking, but what should I do? Morally, I am carrying his child. I am a single mother, raising one child already trying to make ends meet and getting my degree. I make a quarter of what he does per year and I struggle every day. He calls me a loser and irresponsible.

Any advice, and or prayers are very much appreciated.

Heartbroken & withering,

Welsh_Lily

Sydnie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:03pm

You're pregnant with his child? Then you file for child support, of course!


If you can't afford an attorney, contact your local bar association to get one on a pro bono basis (I'm working late tonight working on a child support/custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:53am
Here is another tip for you: stop having sex with men you're not married to, then you won't be bringing children into this world who's fathers want nothing to do with them. Use your brain, don't just follow where your hormones lead you! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:27am
Hi there, of course your devestated. You just lost everything you've known for two years. That can be expected but surely you can realize that you've done the right thing~~~for you, your son and your unborn child. If not you wouldn't have left in the first place. Just because you marry this man doesn't mean that his family will magically accept you. Once the child was born they wouldn't accept it either because "your tainted" so the child would be too. Generally when you marry someone you also "marry" there family. I know that's not the kind of life you would want for your kids. What you were going through was more than anyone should endure and the fact you stayed for two years shows it was time to get out. I know I don't know you but I must say I'm very proud of you. You did probably the hardest thing anyone could do because you knew it was time. You knew you'd had enough and you also knew it was going to be hard but you did it anyway. I wish more women in your situation could do what you've just been courageous enough to do. Him saying those things to you and allowing his brother/family to do the same is VERBAL ABUSE!! Someone once told me "we tend to look through rose colored glasses when looking at our own lives." I think that's what you've been doing for two years. I'm sure you had your good times too and I'm sure you do love him but that alone isn't enough to make you stay in the situation you were in. Take those glasses off and try to see the situation for what it is. It was verbal abuse no matter how you look at it. You are raising one son and also taking care of an unborn child. That shows me that you are STRONG. Try to see that yourself. You CAN do this~~~without him. You NEED TO do this without him! From what you put in your post he is not worthy of you and I know you know you deserve better, and there are better out there. It takes more than you to make a "family" work. If he is not willing than it won't happen. Even if he is willing it still won't happen because his family doesn't approve of you and that will always affect him and his way of thinking. You said he said he doesn't care for you or your son or about being a father to the unborn baby...what more proof do you need? Also with that said, weather he likes it or not he IS a father to the unborn baby. My advice is to seek a lawyer immediatly and petition the court for custody and child support. Do it now and get it out of the way. If he is unwilling to help in any other way (ie:diapers midnight feedings etc) then this is the LEAST he can do. And as for him calling you a looser and irresponsible well, I have news for him, he's the looser for treating you the way he has and he's irresponsible (and a wimp) for not taking up for you with his family! You are going to school, raising kids, doing the best you can...that my dear is NO looser and definatly NOT irresponsible! Don't give him the gratification of calling him crying again. The next thing he should EVER hear from you isn't words at all...it should be papers from your lawyer because you are going to take care of your kids and yourself without him because you don't need him. You are going to put you and them 1st and not him. It will be hard to do and he will even probably get pretty nasty about it but like I said...you're strong and you CAN DO IT. I wish you the best of luck and all my prayers and keep us updated. sweetnopichick :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:38am
I don't believe that you read my post in its entirety.

I am not bringing 'children' into a world where their fathers do not want them. My ex husband is a great father- always was, always will be. He goes above and beyond for our son both financially and emotionally.

As for the man I was involved with for two years, no one could have predicted what happened. Like I said, he's not an unemployed wanderer- outwardly he had all the signs of good husband material. And as for me, I am working, have 8 months until I graduate from the University with my Bachelors, am taking care of my son -both academically and medically, and am making something of my life. I did not plan to get pregnant- I was on the pill and we used a condom- which means that this child was conceived for a reason, and because of that, I made the determination that I wanted this child and did not want to abort it. That's my decision.

You speak of me as if I am a couch potato popping out children with 17 different men. I'm in my 30's and have had sex with two men...TWO...my former husband of 11 years and my ex fiancee. I would say that your observation is definitely overjudgmental and undeserved. If I truly followed where my hormones led me, I wouldn't have had a relationship with this man to begin with. We were best friends before we fell in love and initially neither of us were physically attracted to each other- that just grew out of getting to know each other better.


Sydnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:40am
Thank you for your kind words and support.

Reading your viewpoint helps put things in a different light for me.

Blessings,

Lily

Sydnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:20pm
I have to agree. When someone has just hit rock bottom like this, the worst thing one could possibly do is criticize and be judgmental. I'm sure she realizes that she could well have done things differently with a better outcome but hindsight is 20/20. Right now what she needs is support and encouragement. And she has that from me because what this jerk did is beyond cruel. Totally beyond cruel. He's the one who should be judged here.

Welsh Lily -

Be strong! Being suddenly displaced with a child and an unborn child seems like the worst thing that could happen. But I see you are already utilizing your own resources and I can tell that you love those children so much that you will do whatever it takes for them. I want to recommend counseling for both you and your son. This loss is devastating for you but moreso for your son and he needs a place to sort through this and grieve. The jerk who did this to you does not deserve you, your son, or your unborn child. I know that sounds like a strong opinion but it's how I see things. Look, you are at the bottom now and the only way to go is upward. And there is so much ahead of you in your future! :) Focus on that and in time you'll be through this and happy with your two beautiful children. :)

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:32pm
Thank you and again, I do wish you the best. You've already proven you CAN do it now the next step is TO do it. (And I agree with you about the unborn child...you obviouslly conceived it for a reason and even though circumstances don't really seem to warrant it...CONGRATULATIONS!!) :)