Abortion and relationships
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| Mon, 09-17-2007 - 10:59pm |
My fiance is in the Navy. He finished bootcamp, and now he's in training for Ceremonial Guard in D.C. Needless to say, I haven't seen him much in the past few months. Only once actually, for a couple days in Chicago when he graduated.
I got pregnant with our second child right before he left. We talked about it and were excited. After seeing him, though, I started to get really scared. We're both young, not married yet, and he's not here. My mom put the abortion idea in my head. I fretted with it for weeks, then finally, when he was able to call me, I talked to him about it. He was really upset, but he told me to do what was best for me.
I fretted some more, and actually scheduled the abortion, even though I was feeling really torn. A couple days before the appointment, it dawned on me that the best thing for me to do for myself would be to have this baby. To be strong, for myself and my family. So, I didn't do it.
Then, the problem was the fact that he didn't know I wasn't going to go through with the abortion. Tonight, he called me, and sounded really bummed. I told him I wasn't doing it, and he seemed glad for that, but his mood didn't change at all. He could have been tired or something, of course. He is dealing with some pretty intense stuff right now.
I just can't shake the feeling that I just did some major damage to our relationship. We've known eachother for years and our love is strong, we've been through alot. How can I make this right? What's the best way to approach it ather than apologizing a million times, because that doesn't feel right, either. It's hard enough with him so far away, without me wondering what he's feeling. I'm driving myself crazy. I feel so guilty for even mentioning it to him.
Sorry this is so long, I just really need some help with this issue. Any advice?
-Courtney

Sometimes you can talk about things too much, and I think this is one of those cases that kind of needs to be let go. Especially when you're talking about things over the phone. When he gets home, and you feel like you really need to bring it up, then do so, but I wouldn't force him to discuss it if he doesn't want to.
It sounds like he's glad that you didn't have the abortion, so both of you are on the same page with that. He may be the most upset with the fact that you let your mother influence you more than him. And I can't say that I would blame him. You and your fiancee need to make these kind of desicions together, not you and your mother. But give yourself a break, you're not a terrible person, just under a lot of stress. Good luck!
I'm really sorry about your situation. It's hard enough to maintain a great relationship with someone who is far away, I'm sure being pregnant isn't a walk in the park.
You know what, though? And keep telling yourself this: he loves you and he is putting you first. That is the sign of an awesome husband. Having a baby inside you is not an easy task physically or emotionally. A man who understands that and allows you to make the end decision in your pregnancy, regardless of his own feelings, is someone worth sticking with.
Of course it takes an emotional toll on him too, and you can't really expect him not to be affected. I'm sure he'd like to be home with you right now.
You two will get through this!
My mom and I don't have the best relationship. There is alot of codependency involved, mostly on my part. She's impossible to please, but I still strive for it. As I get older I realize more and more how unimportant her opinion actually is, but when I'm in a stressful situation or have a big decision to make, it's still difficult to look at things objectively.
I know this bothers my fiance, and he encourages me to distance myself from her, at least emotionally so she can't hurt me so bad. In times like these where I slip up, it's embarrassing to me because I know he knows what's really going on better than anyone else.
He is a fantastic partner. He has grown up alot, both of us have. We realized, after a failed attempt at being together and a seperation for two years, that in order to love eachother, we must take care of ourselves individually and learn to love ourselves. That small realization has improved our relationship dramatically.
Maybe letting this one go, especially while he's away, really is the best thing to do. I tend to prod issues like this to death in an attempt to feel better about them. Meanwhile, my fiance gets pushed away and annoyed because he can tell I'm not bringing it up out of concern for him.
I dunno. Great advice, guys! :)
It's understandable that you would have many feelings being pregnant, alone, having considered abortion, rejecting it. It sounds as though you're on a roller coaster. Just be straightforward with him. Tell him how you feel. Let him know you are sorry you even thought of it, and hope he's not holding it against you.
Most of all you must forgive yourself for having considered something you basically feel is wrong. Focus on the fact that you didn't do it. Give yourself the approval and respect you are wanting so badly from him. And realize you have a lot to cope with now, especially with him so far away.
It's hard to really know how someone is feeling when they're not around. It's easy to imagine all kinds of things. Don't imagine. Just speak honestly, let him speak to you, and then let the whole thing rest.
My very best wishes to you,
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