about to break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
about to break up
3
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:35am
Hi,

I got into terrible situation and I am asking for your opinion.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I left my country just to be with him. We live together and I love him very much. We are a young couple and he has never had any other girlfriend.

Few months ago I did a terrible mistake when I started to chat on internet and he found out. He broke up with me but I was trying to apologize and finally, he told me that he loved so much to say no. We spent nice times till last Sunday. He stopped talking to me and on Wednesday I asked him what was wrong with him. He started to shout at me that I am fat and that is not happy in this relationship, that I pushed him to the edge and he is tired. Yes, It is my fault. I am overweight (175lbs) and I've been promising to lose them for two years. I was exercising ,... but when I move here to US, I startes to go to school and work 50 hours a week. I was tired and didn't exercise. Now, I am on diet and go to fitness. He doesn't want to even kiss me and say things that hurt very much. I cry every day and I am very unhappy. I don't want to leave him because I really love him very much.

I just want to know if it is so big problem that you can leave someone you love. Is there any woman with same problem?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:44am

There is never a reason to stay in a relationship with someone who abuses you - who yells at you a lot and tells you he isn't happy in the relationship. This is bad for you. Unless he is willing to go to a counsellor with you, and to work out his feelings, things can get worse. In all relationships there are times when people are hurt and angry and upset, but it is necessary at those times to be able to talk it over, come to a resolution and work out feelings. If this just goes on this way, it is unhealthy for both of you. Don't blame yourself for all that is going on. You are away from home and doing a lot. It is sometimes difficult to also diet and exercise at the same time. Of course it is important even for your own healthy to stay fit, but this is no excuse for him to yell at you and berate you. If he keeps it up, you should give this relationship a break - get away for awhile so that both of you can have time to sort things out. As I said, it is not healthy for anyone concerned to stay in a sitiuation where there is no way of finding solutions and feeling good together again.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 1:19pm
He had a reason to yell. I've been promising for long time and nothing happened. He says I got too comofrtable around him. Maybe it is the truth.

I will do my best. I just can't stand that he wants to break up with me.

I've done a lot of things that hurt him. I learned my lesson and I know I will never do it again. I am getting into situation when I can't stop crying...
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:35pm
Hi -- I really feel for you because I went through something very similar. I'll tell you my story and let you come to your own conclusion.

I was with my ex for 4 years...3 of them we were living together. The 1st year was great...then things started to change when we moved in together. I became more of a possesion then a girlfriend. He became very jealous -- I ditched all of my friends and stopped going out all together for a couple of years because I was sick of hearing the accusations that I was cheating on him. Anyone who knows me knows that I would never cheat...its just not in my blood! So I became very unhappy with everything - my job, no friends, my sorry excuse of a relationship...and I felt so trapped. One thing I do know is that I became so unhappy with things that I made myself feel better about things by eating. I did gain weight. I gained about 40 lbs and my ex never hesitated once in telling me. I got called everything...fat cow being the nicest. Eventually my ex cheated on me and I am thankful to this day that he did. Within a month of our break up I lost all the weight and 6 months after the break up, I started dating a great guy and we've been dating for about 4 months now. I have a great circle of friends and I have a new job which I am getting a promotion in soon.

Moral of the story is that you are not alone. This type of thing happens to the best of us. I know that you love him...there is no doubt about that...but you have to love yourself more. You need to think about whats best for you and someone who can sit there and call you fat (and it doesn't matter if its true) doesn't deserve to have you in their life. You sound like a nice, intelligent person and you deserve someone who will treat you like a queen. You need to think about whether or not you want to be with this person and once you figure it out .... then do what you must. Don't wait until the last minute like I did because it will only make things harder. Sure I'm doing great now... but the hurting I went through was something I am never willing to put myself through again. No one should have to go through that - no one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 6:34pm
No one should ever make you promise to change your weight or your appearance in order to be able to stay with them. That is abusive and controlling. So is not allowing you to talk to anyone on the internet. Not allowing you to be yourself is very hurtful. I don't believe he loves you and doesn't deserve the love you feel for him. I get the impression that you see you make all the mistakes and just don't get it right for him. Guess what. No one should make you feel that way. It isn't your fault he has issues with how you do things. You are far too kind. He is very controlling. I don't know which country you came from or if you feel you have to be a servant to this guy. Everyone deserves to have a happy relationship. You are not his slave. Relationships are equal not where someone rules over another person. You can take charge and not put up with this abuse.