Absentee Partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Absentee Partner
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 3:14pm

Hi, I’m having a bit of a problem in my relationship and would like to get some real applicable feedback.

I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for close to 5 years. We’ve been living together for over a year now but we’re nowhere near marriage (it was always his choice but now . . . I kinda dont want to get married either). My problem is . . . he’s not ‘present’ in the relationship. I know we both have our issues to go through, but I feel like everything is left to me to remind him, to do for him, to fix or have fixed, to take care of. He doesnt SEE anything thats happening, he doesnt listen when I speak, he doesnt hear anything. All he does is come home and play games. Normally I wouldnt have a problem with that because sometimes I want my space as well. But then he plays games well into the night, after I’ve done so much for the house, for him, for me. I feel like I’m always on duty, I always HAVE to be on duty because he’s ‘checked out’ of the life – with me. I dont want to take it personally but its hard not to when I’m the one with the 'nasty' end of the stick.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he's admitted he’s not all-together ‘here’, but does he do anything different? Nope! It got to the point the other day where HE made a very nice suggestion out of the blue to me and I was – you know – answering him (telling him when I think we can do it), and he didnt even listen to what I said, he didnt even notice that I walked away! HE started the conversation and couldnt even focus long enough. I mean, IF I bore him, he should say something instead of wandering off! If we’re having a conversation (by the grace of God these days) I have to repeat everything I say 2-3 times before he hears me. I have to constantly remind him of what we were talking about and this is all frustrating to me. I am tired of repeating myself to this fully grown man!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 3:45pm

So, why do you stay? This sounds miserable. Whether or not you need personal space (everyone does), he is not invested in this relationship at all. You are 100% correct when you say he has "checked out" - There's no better way of putting it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 4:39pm
Thank you so much for your response. If nothing else at least I know you understand what's going through my head so thanks for that.

I'm gonna have to sit and really think about this one because I really love him. I just dont think I have to tell a man every single thing to do, when to do it, what to say, when, how, why, etc and at the same time be reprimanded for 'trying to change him'. It just doesnt make sense - "tell us what to do but dont try to change us"?! How exactly does that work?! I dont get it! (Sorry, I had to vent just now).

But thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 5:32pm
I am sorry you are in this charlesieb. I'm sure at some point he wasn't an absentee partner. Maybe you're holding on to that, because you know he was once "all there." However, i think you need to let go of the past and look at your new reality. The truth that this relationship is not working for you any more, and there are no signs of it turning around for the better.

Love is never enough.
You can love the wrong person.
Love does not conquer all.

I hope you consider moving on from this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 1:15am

Was he also absent for the first 5 years of your relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 4:03pm

I want to Thank you all so much for responding and giving me some feedback. I really appreciate all the responses.

I'm going to have to really sit and think about it. My head says leave but my heart . . . And this kinda situation happens every now and then, its hard to ignore. But like clock-work he always seems to know when I've reached my end and does something . . . amazing.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 2:25am
I read this all the time from women who are relationships that are not just working and they say "but I love him." There is a reason why we have a head and a heart. We need to bring both into the mix in order to make wise and health decisions for ourselves.