Abusive boyfriend-am I wrong for feeling this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2011
Abusive boyfriend-am I wrong for feeling this way?
7
Fri, 10-21-2011 - 2:54pm

I have been with a man for almost 5 years now, I am very much in love with him but he has been very physically violent with me during all of those years. We recently went through a very bad breakup over a month ago and have since gotten back together with the prerequisite being him getting help. I lived with him and his mother for over a year so she witnessed a lot of the abuse, bruises, broken nose etc during that time. He and his cousin are now suggesting that he and I apologize to his mother for all of the drama but I felt very angry about this request, I feel that she should have done something to get help for her son or at least talked to him to try to stop it (I know talking to him wouldn't have worked but it would have been the thought that another person was standing up for me that would have counted). I am very angry and resentful towards his mom because of this and I don't know if this anger and resentment is appropriate. Should I apologize?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

You do not have to apologize to anyone.

I'm sorry you took him back. You should never, never, never stay with someone who has hurt you physically. Never. Physically abusive men do not change. They NEVER do. You are fooling yourself, because you love him and you want an excuse to stay with him. He may "get help" or he may not, but he will always be capable of breaking your face. And he will never be the right man for you.

"I feel that she should have done something to get help for her son or at least talked to him to try to stop it"

Why should she try to stop it when YOU are the one who chooses to stay with someone who hurts you? Don't you have the responsibility to yourself to get out? How is his elderly mother going to physically stop her son from abusing you?

This relationship is poison and it always will be. You say all these things you think he "should" do but he never will because he is not that kind of man.

This relationship will NEVER be healthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2011

Thank you for your response. I guess what I was really trying to say is that I wanted someone to care at least, I didn't really except her to physically restrain him or anything. I guess I am fooling myself by thinking he "should" do things when I know in actuality that he most likely won't. It just makes me sad because I know how I feel about him and it won't go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

You CAN move on from these feelings... I know you love him, I will not diminish the feelings you have because they are real.

But staying with him is what's keeping those feelings alive.

Only when we move on from someone, and remove them from our lives completely, we are able to heal and see things clearly. I remember feeling like I would NEVER fall out of love with an ex-boyfriend who was not good for me... Guess what, here I am a decade later with a wonderful man and I don't have an ounce of emotion for the men in my past. I haven't even

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

First of all, you should not be apologizing to his mother for HIM beating you up--this is one tactic that abusive people use--they make it all about your problems, like you provoked him to hit you, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I cannot believe your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I agree with you as regards his mother. She should have, at the very least, talked with him and told him outright that beating his girlfriend inside her home would NOT be tolerated, or he would have to move out.

As the mother of a young man, I cannot imagine tolerating that behavior in my home. I wouldn't.

OP, as someone who had her nose broken by a SO (among other injuries), I promise you that your feelings for him will go away one day. It was therapeutic for "me" to make a bonfire out of his clothes and things, and sit with my friends around it eating a bucket of KFC.

Once you make up your mind to dump him, stick with it. My ex had never laid a hand on me before that day, 2 years into our relationship, but there were no second chances. He left that instant (running on foot from the law), and I never looked back. The only other contact I had with him (after he called wanting his things and I told him they burned), was a few years later when as part of his probation he had to write me an apology letter. I read it and straight in the trash it went.

Did you never call the police or file charges? If not, why?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Wow; I too cannot believe what I just read.

This punched your face and you are mad at his mother? You should be mad at him and leave immediately and get him out of your life for good.

I agree with the others.. You need professional help... Your self esteem is on the floor and you are accepting this abusive behavior from one man.. There are hundreds of nice guys out there that wont punch your face in.

I was married to a man who was verbally and mentally abusive and I couldnt take that for long.. We are now divorced.. I cant imagine physical abuse although mine would punch holes in walls and things.. I didnt even know I was being abused because that is what I knew.. My family growing up was abusive.. So I just kept repeating the pattern....until I got professional help.

Yes; Call that domestic abuse hotline and get away from this guy.

His mother can only be responsible for him to a certain degree but why does that matter anyway.

Get away from all of these toxic people because you will just be in a cycle of abuse and it doesnt get better. I can bet when you posted this you were in the honeymoon phase of the relationship where all is well. That is what the delusion is of abusive relationships.. They are okay for awhile and then they get abusive.. Its a vicious roller coaster and it doesnt end unless you want it to end.