abusive ex boyfriend has changed and wants to work things out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
abusive ex boyfriend has changed and wants to work things out
11
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 4:19am

I was in a 3 year physically

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

n3ssa, what you are experiencing is totally normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
yes he knows and accepts when I say I am not sure I want this...he will call periodically and text me, but not overboard...but he definitely seems like he is hoping and waiting for me to decide that I am willing to go back...if i tell him to give me space, he does and doesnt call or text, I just dont want to do anything out of guilt and thats not fair to him either...I just think there is something else out there for me, but the fear of letting someone go that i have history with is hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Oh dear. I knew from your title I wasn't going to like this.

Hmmm.... Where to start.

<"My ex is a completely changed and matured man now and I am positive of this. He sought help and is a changed man. ">

The very fact that you said the same thing twice in a row in almost the exact same way tells me you are trying to talk yourself into thinking that this is ok.

Your heart is trying to tell you that you've gone through too much pain to ever feel real love for him ever again, yet you're considering fighting how you naturally feel, probably because of the "safety" of repeating a behavior (being with him). Sometimes, as unhealthy as our patterns are, they feel "normal" to us, and we don't want to take a risk at trying something unknown.

If he truly has changed - great for him. I really hope it's true, so he doesn't terrorize some other poor woman. But it's so foolish for you to even consider being with him, when there is so much bad history.

Of course you father would be disappointed! He had to pick up the pieces of his daughter the last time she was with a guy who raised his hand to her! It isn't even that he's "set in his ways" - he just knows that you were hurt and that you didn't (and it appears that you still don't) have good reasoning skills when it comes to this guy.

And to top it all off - you don't even feel attracted to him anymore. Wtf? Why on earth are you even considering being this guy again?

*He is your ex, who you share a very unhealthy and complicated past with.

*He was (and could potentially still be) an abuser.

*You have not completely moved on from what happened.

*You are not "in love" with him.

*You don't feel sexually attracted to him.

*He appears to be the perfect gentleman, which is freaking you out because it's a total contradiction to the man you know him to be (which means the whole thing could be an act!).

*You are "trying to fall back in love with him".

I'm really sorry, but it's clear that you are still really messed up over your past relationship with him. Instead of considering round 2, you need to get yourself into therapy and focus on being a healthy human being with self-respect and self-love, who has standards and listens to their instincts of self-preservation.

Get off this self-destructive roller coaster and on a path that will make you happy, and lead you to a great guy who will treat you right, from the very beginning, and who you will have great chemistry with, no lasting resentment, and will be able to let into your heart without fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
I respect and agree with most everything you have said and yes it is true my Father was devastated and I have to honor him and myself. I have had a serious relationship since him and it was good and I do feel I have worked through the scarring, I guess now I am just feel guilty and sorry for him. I do know deep down that I need to stop trying, I just feel soooo guilty :( and sad for him, but I have to remember that he mad me sad many times. Thank you for all your good advice :) I definitely took it all to heart and it helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

There is really no good reason for you to be in love with him again. He may have changed, but he's still the same person. The reason you cant' fall in love with him again is because you are not stupid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You're doing what he taught you to do.......you're feeling guilty!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

I do not think it's worth ANYONE's time going back to someone who has such a sour, bad, abusive history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Thank you..these are all the things I do know, just needed to hear them from people other than my own inner circle I guess..somtimes an impartial opinion makes a difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Thank you...very true. It always hels to hear these things from an outside person looking in. I do believe that I deserve better and had a very healthy relationship after him, now just need to get over the guilt. Thank you for the great response and words of wisdom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Thank you for the insight. I know what I need to do, have always known really..just need to work on the guilt part and worry about me.

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