Abusive -- Nonabusive Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Abusive -- Nonabusive Relationship
2
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 7:43pm
Hello,

May God bless you for letting me present a question to have you answer with your expertise.

I am 29 years old, previously I've been in abusive relationships for a long long time, perhaps more than 12 years. Now I want to make a fresh start and settle with a good man for life, having understood my own values. I'm concerned that the new man will ask me questions about previous relationships. I don't know what to say except that those people were unpeaceful. Or I can talk about only one man and say he was unpeaceful and I've only met unpeaceful people as the closest ones in my life. The man I'm considering is very happy with his family. I'm probably from a broken home, one can say. I've met very unjust peoples. How can I discuss this without letting a shadow of abuse hinder my new life?

Would be looking forward to your reply. May God guide us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:08pm
My 1st husband was abusive. We divorced.

When I began dating again, I admitted I was divorced and the men would ask what happened. If we still at the early stages of dating, I would say that it just didn't work out.

When I started seeing my now 2nd husband, the topic came up of my divorce and I was honest with him. I told him that my 1st husband was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I didn't get into the gory details. He said he was sorry that happened to me and it was dropped.

The 1st time we got into an arguement, I got really upset. And he asked me why I had gotten so upset, I told him that when my ex was mad at me he would take it much farther than one should. He held me and reassured me that he would never hurt me, call me a name and he never has. We are now married and I feel so comfortable with him. I never have to worry that he will hit me or call me a name or yell at me. He is mature and handles things well.

I hope for you that this man is mature and not abusive. You don't have to tell him your whole life story just tell him in a sentence or two that your last relationships were abusive.

By now you should now the signs of an abuser so if this new guy ever shows those signs - being controlling, not able to handle his anger, calling you names, or threatening you, leave immediately. You and I both know that people like that hardly ever change.

You may want to go into counseling on your own to find out why you kept picking abusive men that way you don't keep making the same mistakes. Counseling can help you increase your self esteem that way if someone ever does hurt you again, you will walk away and not tolerate any form of abuse.

I hope everything works out. The past does not have to stop you from being happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:30pm
I honestly believe that you need to go to counseling to work this out before you get into anotoher serious relationship. You may have done some soul searching and established your own values but that may have little to do with who you attract. I am sure your values never including hurting other people yet you still dated abusers.