admitting infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
admitting infidelity
10
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 1:44am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 6:07pm

Reading your post, I am curious as to why you want to go to couples counseling if you want to stay with your AP. Do you want both or just the AP? Your husband seems to be meeting thers so it sounds like you are both ready to move on.

Maybe first start with therapy on your own.

Edit to add: I would discuss it with the therapist how best to break it to your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:05pm

Thank you Sunset.  The more I think about my initial question, the more it seems obvious that if I decide to admit my affair to my husband, I should tell him privately.  I've decided to start seeing a therapist first on my own, to sort out my feelings.  Hopefully this will help me decide what to do, and also learn the best way to go about doing it - ending my marriage or ending my affair.  All I know is that I can't go on in this love-triangle for very much longer, it's unfair to everyone involved.  Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:02pm

Mahopac, I read your reply after you first posted, and sorry I did not get a chance to respond until now.  Thank you very much for your advice.  I've decided that's exactly what I'm going to do - go to therapy on my own first, to sort through my feelings and help me make clear decisions.  I can understand how full disclosure/details to your spouse might not always be the best decision, if you want to work on your marriage and reconcile as best you can.  I'm going to have to decide what the best choice is here.  Thanks again for your input.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 10:57pm

My opinion is to talk to your husband and admit what happened before going to a therapist.  I think that it may be better to tell him privately, just the two of you, since it is your marriage.  Telling him in front of a therapist may embarrass him and upset him more.  These are just my thoughts, good luck, please let us know what you decide.

 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 10:43am

Why don't you talk with a therapist on your own first, and ask him/her what he/she thinks?

Unless you plan to use the affair as the reason for ending your marriage, and you're already committed to divorce, I wouldn't say anything about it.  Should you decide to reconcile, that affair would always be a sore, possibly raw, spot in your marriage.  I worked with a guy years ago who had several affairs, some physical & some emotional, which he decided to tell his wife about one day.  They stayed together, but I wonder how happy she was after that.  As I told him then, confession is to God, not your spouse.  You have to make amends if you have wronged someone, but they don't need to know all the details.

However, I still suggest you consult a therapist about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 3:12am

Thanks all for your replies.  I should have been more clear in my post.  Yes obviously I have a lot of my own feelings to work through and this is the point I am at now.  Confused about what I want and what I feel is the best thing to do.  This would have to be worked out to a certain extent before I entered therapy with him - I cannot simply say "I am confused" and expect him to accept this state of limbo. I definitely need some time to think first.

My question was really meant to ask, if I am going to come clean and admit an affair, would it be better to do it before we enter therapy or talk about it for the first time with a therapist in the room, able to act as a neutral and supportive third party?  Maybe it doesn't really matter but I was just wondering if anyone had a strong opinion about the approach.  Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 12:40am
I agree with the other posters. You need to figure out what you want to do - either leave your husband for your AP or break things off with your AP and stay with your husband. Continuing in both relationships is unfair to all parties involved. Individual counseling can help you sort out your feelings to make the best decision for your family.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 4:25pm

I was also somewhat confused about just what you are thinking. You seem to be saying you want to keep the AP and reconsile with your husband. Perhaps you meant to say you would give up the AP if you could reconnect with DH.

I think if you really want to try to work it out with H, then you should admit the affair before counseling. He may deicde at that point to not even try at counseling, and then you both could move on and not waste time.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 10:53am

I think before you ask your H to go to couples counseling, you should get individual counseling to figure out what *you* want and be able to articulate what you're feeling.  Because right now it seems like you don't want to give up your AP but you want some sort of better relationship with your H - but what?  A friendly divorce?  An open marriage?  You should probably figure out what's going on with *you* before you try to ask your H for anything.  Being in love and not being able to imagine giving up your AP is understandable, but do you really understand the consequences?  Can you imagine sharing custody of your children and only seeing them a few days a week?  Can you imagine being alone when the AP finds someone else (the odds are good that he will, though not all affairs end badly), and still being divorced and not having your children with you?  What about not being with your kdis on Thanksgiving or Christmas?  Is this man worth all that?

Doom & gloom warnings aside, I'm not a fan of the "tell all" school of relationships.  DH & I have been together for 30 years, but before we married, there was a certain amount of straying on both sides.  We both knew it but never admitted to it, and I think *not* sharing details - but seeking counseling before marriage - is what allowed us to put that behind us and move into a fruitful, loving marriage and a very happy family life.  We talk about anything and everything, still go on dates, and still enjoy each other's company more than that of anyone else. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 1:56am

This is one major risk of affairs - falling for the AP.  And then what?  I have never cheated but was cheated on twice, if it turned physical I'll never know but I think when you make the choice to have an affair, you're putting something into motion that can't turn out well, right?  You end up in la la land, imagining it could be a permanent relationship, but VERY few survive, less than 1% survive.  So you've cheated on one another?  You owe it to one another to get honest and see a therapist so you can get your heads on straight about what comes next.  You know now you should never have allowed things to end up as they did, and if you are sure he's also guilty, then all I see is therapy.