Adult children do not want Dad to date

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Adult children do not want Dad to date
7
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:51am
I have been dating 1yr and now living with a great man. My husband died a couple years ago. BF has 2 ex's. We get along perfect, never argue. He has a daughter 33 who has had a lot of problems and was living back at home. Dad was having her go to school and supporting her. She drinks a lot and has moved out again but is coming back again. Dad blames himself for all her problems and beats himself up over it. Now other two children have him almost convinced that the problem is that the daughter moved back to spend time with him and he is not there for her (he is 70) because of me. They almost have him believing this and I may be given my walking papers soon. This weekend the oldest daughter came down hard on him, saying awful things about his past and blaming him for all of the problems the younger daughter has and that he has no business dating. He should be devoting all his time to his daughter. I get along fine with the daughter who lives at home. Older daughter has not liked me from day one. Sons says little but calls dad 4 or 5 times a day. How long are we responsible for our childrens problems? Does dad not deserve a life in his last years? By the way Mom walked out of state when daughter was 12 so dad raised her thats why he feels he needs to keep trying to fix everything. Oldest daughter is just mean to him. We sleep arm in arm every night and I don't want to lose that again. He is so mixed up I could cry-
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:28pm

Welcome to the board bertie54,


How sad that his daughter is being so mean to him. He deserves to be happy. All I can think of for you is tell him that he is doing the best he can and that it isn't his fault and tell him he deserves to be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:55pm

Welcome to the board bertie54,


His adult children are acting like spoiled children, not taking responsiblity for their lives and still manipulating dad, and he's allowing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:54am

It's done. He asked me to move out on Monday. Says he needs to straighten out things. I am heart broken. He still calls and wants to do stuff which is mixing me up but I agree to do whatever he wants. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I did nothing to deserve this. Its so sad just go back to dating. I did tell him his kids are munipulative and controlling and it trickling down to his older grandkids. I just want him back.

Thanks for any of your comments
Bertie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:05am
I know it is hard but I think you should cut ties. Until he stands up to his children you will not have a healthy relationship. You breaking up with him may give him the motivation to do so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:57pm
Bertie, I'm sorry you're hurting.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 6:50pm

Have him go to a fine therapist. He needs some professional help. It sounds as though this guy is involved in an extremely co-dependent family, where there are significant boundary problems. He's probably never known how to handle it. Yes, of course you're right that the two of you have every right to be together. His children have many issues (probably about the mother leaving and his other women) that they are acting out about now. He is not responsible for their childishness and pettiness and jealousy. Nobody is responsible for that but them. However, by going along with them, by believing them and taking this in, he is actually feeding fuel to their flame and strengthening their illness. The best thing for them would be for him to respect himself, to set some boundaries and tell them to go and work their issues out. (Which they need to do). His daughter will never solve her problems by having him give up his life or treat her like a baby. This is emotional blackmail, and it comes to no good. Just pulls everyone into the mess together.


So, he truly needs a good therapist to help him sort things out. Otherwise, it seems quite inevitable that all this will spill over into your relationship. Hard to see how it cannot. So, help him get the help he needs and try not to take all this personally.


Best wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:26am
Thanks. I have told him to seek help. Unfortunately he has already distanced himself from me. He told me I need to fine someone who will treat me right and he is embarrassed about all his family issues. He is so very sad now and he is refusing to see me or talk to me. We live close by in a small town. This is just making me physically sick. I miss him and its only been 3 days. I find myself calling him and I know I shouldn't. Yesterday when I finally called he said he thinks the calls will just make me hurt more and last longer. I hate when people are right. Plus I don't want him to think I am some kind of a stalker. I am just sad.