Advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Advice...
3
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:39am
Okay. So here is my dilemma... I have been dating this guy, he is very sweet he would do anything for me. We met in May, but didn't go out on our first date, until the end of May. We would see each other every other week. Then in July we decided we would be exclusive. Everything has been going good. Except a few things. I got really wasted back in August, and he was so mad at me he could barely talk to me. It was like a wake up call to me that I need to control myself... I was drinking a lot to escape from my XH, and now that I am not with him anymore I realized it has become more of a bad habit. Not to mention that I scared myself. So I have been trying really hard to control my drinking which, I have.

Since then our relationship dynamics have changed. I feel like I gave him control of our relationship. We went out with my best friend and her fiance, we have been hanging out with them a lot. This weekend, we went out for a nice dinner, and then I got crabby and just wanted to go home. So we went back to my BF's house and we started playing monopoly. I was tired so I feel asleep. They all played the game, and I guess, S (my BF), got really competitive (like swearing and saying yeah, come on try and beat me... I guess my friend's Fiance, got so offended that he stopped playing the game. My girlfriend calls me and says that she is worried, that I have thrown the towel in too early. That I let him have control of our relationship and me... She said that he was acting more like a dad to me then a BF... I am worried... because I don't want to get back into an abusive relationship... Although, I have never seen any other signs, that they say to look for...

Fast forward to Sat. night, we went out with my other GF and a her husband. They really liked S and we were all drinking and S felt comfortable around them (he burbs a lot, when he drinks beer...) so he was doing it all night. And my GF's Husband said, I really like him, but hate that he burbs so much... I know this should not bother me but it does.

I don't want to tell him these things, because I don't want him to not like my friends when we go out. I guess what I am looking for here is some words of wisdom, and some guidance of how to make sure I am not getting myself back into a bad relationship.

He is also so sweet, he always is willing to help me with anything and everything. He always, respects my feelings, he never puts me down, he always lets me pick what we do and when we do it, we are on the same page about religion, children, work, sex, marriage, and money. WE connect on a high level. The overly competitive and the fact that my friends think that he is controlling me, (bothers me really bad...)

Any advice, would be great. Thank you, Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: girlygirlsad
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:55am
Christina...

If the general opinion from all your friends is that "you are being controlled"---then perhaps you are? But in spite of this...you might be a women who is so desperate to keep a relationship going...THAT NOTHING ANYBODY ELSE SAYS MATTERS!

From what you've told us in your post...and Pianoguy is convinced that you omitted a few other facts about this relationship...it looks like you'll eventually have to choose between having friends...or sticking with your b/f!

Not an easy choice, but it's clear that some of your friends AREN'T crazy about him...and vice versa!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
In reply to: girlygirlsad
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:07am
Pianoguy,

Thanks for your feedback. Can I ask you what I you think I omitted? I have learned that some times outsiders, such as friends and family, see things that I don't see. I value their opinions...

I understand the value of friendhship, family and having them as a support, I would never give them up for a man.

thanks, Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: girlygirlsad
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:50am
Christina...

Pianoguy was a little puzzled by a few things in your post.

If the man you've been "exclusive" with has been acting more like A DAD than a b/f, do you suppose it's because you're expecting him to ARRANGE and ORCHESTRATE everything? How much input do you have when you go out together? Or do you just permit your b/f to call the shots?

Do you get ugly before you drink any alcohol? Or do you tend to get nasty after 1 or 2? Alcohol can have a major effect on people with low tolerance levels...so I was puzzled by the reference in your original post. Because I'm a professional musician and have worked for various restaurants and lounges that served alcoholic beverages, I've seen how women can completely change after consuming one or two drinks! You might want to back off on drinking entirely if the 'end result' is unpleasant!

If you decided to take 30 days off and not date this man, would your b/f be angry enough to dump you? Or do you think he might 'get some serious counselling' to help him past the verbal abuse he likes to put you...and others...through?

One final thought...if you are REALLY SERIOUS about marriage with this man...recognize the fact that the behavior he's showing you right now...could either IMPROVE or GET WORSE after the 2 of you say: "I DO!"

Pianoguy