Advice and opinions needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Advice and opinions needed!
1
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 7:44pm
I really need some objective advice and opinions.

I am 25, my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for a year and living together for 8 months out of that year. We were friends for a year before we started dating. Both of us also had bad relationships before we began dating although his seems to have had a greater effect on him than mine had on me.

The area I need advice in is that neither of us have said "I love you". I know I love him and I have for some time but I am scared to be the one to say it first. He is the type to open up slowly emotionally and I don't want to make him feel pressured to say something he isn't quite ready to say. He SHOWS me that he loves me and I know that he is totally devoted to me and would do anything for me but he hasn't said it. People have told me that I made a mistake moving in with him before he told me he loves me but situation to move in together was perfect and neither one of us regret the decision and we are both happy. We have actually become much closer since moving in together. We never fight and we have only had a couple of misunderstandings that were resolved in 20 minutes or less and we have never raised our voices at each other. But I feel as though something is missing from our relationship because I feel afraid to express my love for him verbally.

As for the future, he has told me (without my prompting) that his plans, near and a few years down the road, include me. We have not talked us getting marrried but I really would like to marry him someday. His views on marriage are mixed. He likes the idea of being "totally devoted" to one person and at the same time is afraid of marrying the wrong person and it is not something he would "jump right into, if ever".

I guess what I really want to know is if I should express that I love him or if I should just wait it out and see what happens since our relationship is wonderful in every other aspect. We have no trouble communicating with each other about other areas of our relationship. This is the best relationship I have ever been in and I would do anything to make it work. Neither of us have been this happy in a long time and even his friends have told me that they have not seen my boyfriend this relaxed in so long. Should I go with the flow or tell him? Do you think this is a repercussion of his last relationship? HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:53am
I think it's disturbing that you are LIVING together and cannot have a discussion about this and the fact that you are 'afraid' to say it, says a lot more about your relationship than anything you've written in this post.

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say there was some codependency here - hence the fact that this relationship has moved along so quickly - too quickly, IMO.

The fact that you are 'afraid' to express your true feelings is not good - not good at all. I'd look into codependency, sounds like it might fit.

In any case, it's time to speak your mind whether you are afraid or not - you MUST be able to communicate openly and without fear to have an emotionally healthy relationship. If you feel unable to express yourself, I would really seek counselling to find out why.

Peace - Pebbles