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| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:56am |
Well, I will try and make this as short as I can, but we'll see how it goes. To start with, in my past two relationships, the same problem has persisted and I don't want to continue like this. When I start a relationship with a guy, everything is great and things go really well. But, as time goes on, I bring up stupid issues that cause fights. Some of these things could be the fact that he didn't call me the night before or text message me in the morning, like he always did. Or it could be me getting upset because I had planned on seeing him for the weekend and something came up and he had to cancel. Or him not being affectionate enough when we are together or on the phone. When I look back at the things we fought about, I think of how trivial they were and how the fight could have completly been avoided if I just went about it a different way. The problem is, I realize this AFTER THE FACT!!!!!!
I have tried to think about things and calm down before getting upset at him, but I still have that feeling of being upset and it eventually comes out. My last boyfriend treated me the best out of any guy I have ever dated and we truly thought we would be together. The problem is, my constant bickering at him and the fighting caused our relationship to go from amazing, to gone. He used to surprise visit me, send me cards in the mail, and was affectionate, but as the fighting went on, all this was lost, including our physical relationship. We both held on, with the hope that things would improve, but eventually, time took its tole and we had our last fight.
Well, we broke up in the beginning of June, but we still have not let go of each other. We love each other dearly and want to get back what we had, but we will not get back into a relationship again because we do not want to fall into the same pattern we were in. He lives 2 1/2 hours away and is very busy with work and I will start a teaching job in a few weeks. I need advice on how I can stop jeapordizing my relationships by bickering about stupid things. How can I let him know I am upset, but not cause a fight? Good friends are hard to come by, so I really don't have anyone else to ask for advice about this.
Jennifer

First off, I think its unreasonable to get upset bc someone isn't text messaging you everyday. At the beginning of a r/ship, ppl often sweep aside work, friends, etc to focus on you bc its new and exciting. But eventually real life resurfaces and no one can maintain that kind of attention for very long. Are you busy when not with a guy? Do you have lots of interests/activities/friends? I'm asking bc if you don't - that could be the root of this problem. You are expecting more from your r/ship bc other parts of your life aren't as busy. If thats the case, then you need to start filling up your free time - so that there are times when you don't even notice if someone called/texted you.
Secondly, you can easily tell someone you are upset IF you wait until you can control your tone. You HAVE to be calm bc chances are, this is coming right out of left field for your partner. They will have NO idea they did anything wrong. And to be honest, cancelling a date or forgetting to text you, isn't really something to be upset about! But you can say, "I noticed you didn't text me yesterday, do anything come up?" Or, "I'm really disappointed that we weren't able to get together this w/end - do you think we can plan something special together?" This way, you are focussing on what you WANT instead of getting into an argument about what is in the past. Its also important when whatever happens that upsets you, that you give clues. For instance, when you are being told that the w/end plans are cancelled - you say honestly, "Aw! I'm disappointed. I'm going to miss you. When can I see you next?" So that they realize how you are feeling.
Good luck,
Dee
I see this as an issue of expectation management. We all own the responsibility to openly share our expectations and needs with our partners in a fair and reasonable manner. It is the only way our partners can understand and accept our expectations and needs and have any chance of meeting them in a realistic manner. Failure to do this is selfish and irresponsible as the expectation changes to one of mind-reading and always knowing what you expect and need with no communication at all. Treating a person like that is like treating like a loyal servant rather than a valued partner.
As an example, consider this.
What if you went to work tomorrow and your boss requests a meeting. At that meeting your boss states that there are brand new expectations of you for your job, but you will not be told what they are. However, you are accountable to meet these new and unspoken expectations and if you fail to do so, then you will be reprimanded and potentially fired.
Would you like that kind of situation? Do you think your boss is fair and reasonable using that approach? The same thing happens in relationships.
When considering your expectations there is a process known as SMART to better understand if your expectations are reasonable. SMART stands for:
S - Specific
M - Measurable
A - Achievable
R - Realistic
T - Timely
If you can not say YES to all 5 of these things, then you need to reconsider your expectations so that they are fair and reasonable for your partner.
Dr. Phil has a great quote that applies here - You don't always get what you want, but you will get what you negotiate.
Don't make this all about you. Make this about creating a positive experience so that your relationship is equality-based and mutually-beneficial.