Advice on Interracial Issues
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| Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:06pm |
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to know how people would go about this issue that I'm having. My ex, Mark and I broke up years ago but have been close friends since and have also carried on a FWB relationship for many years. I'm black and he's white,(he's in his early 30's and I'm in my late 20's)and when we first met, he was very peristent in wanting to meet me. (We met online) After a few months of just talking, I agreed to meet him and thought he was very attractive & cute, had a good time,but wasn't really looking for too much. He then asked me on a second date; the more & more time we spent together, the more I liked him. Well, throughout the time that we've known each other,(almost 10 yrs) he's gone back and forth about his feelings for me as have I, but in the end, I've always felt more for him. At first he liked me more. Our friendship was a strange one in that although we hooked up, it was more than that but not a relationship; he always initiated everything first, there was affection, the daily phone calls just to say hi,and talk etc. etc. So we were FWB, obviously not a b/f/g/f relationship, but that's another topic. Anyway, we discussed interracial relationships, but obviously not enough. I've met his family and when he first introduced his parents to me, he told them that he wanted them to meet someone special (that being me). His close guy friend apparently always asked him why we weren't together because he was obviously attracted to me. I guess the answer was, "she's not my type", yet I didn't know this. Sometime last year, I asked him what his family would think if we were together. He quickly said "I don't know", and I didn't ask anymore about it. When we're out in public it always feels as if all is good, no uncomfortableness, although I sensed some awkwardness on his part when he once kissed me in a restaurant years ago, but I never noticed anything else.
Well, I also recently became friends with Mark's close guy friend, who would always tell me, that Mark really liked and cared about me as a friend, but anything beyond that was never going to happen. Most recently, his friend told me that the reason Mark and I would never work out is because basically in the long run, he doesn't want an interracial relationship. His friend thought that his family might be slightly prejudice which I guess I can see. When I asked him if Mark mentioned that a lot as the reason for us not working out, he said yes. I couldn't believe it because Mark had never once expressed those feelings to me when I brought up the issue. When I recently spoke and grilled Mark about this, he admitted it. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but said he doesn't want a lot of mixes (as in kids; he's Irish & Italian so please!) and prefers blondes. Yup, he went there.
So, I don't know. I'm pissed off! The fact that he couldn't be honest about his feelings out of fear of hurting me, is not cool. I'm a very open person and he knows he can talk to me about anything, but it makes me angry that he never opened up about this. I know I should have sensed things too and been wiser about it all, but it honestly seemed as though it was not an issue to him. It had crossed my mind before but being the way things were, I just doubted it. The thing is, we've gone through some bumps lately because of his close guy friend who was trying to get in the middle of our friendship. Mark & I resolved everything and are still close, and now he wants us to just continue being the best of friends, no FWB. After hearing about his outlook on life, it has changed the way I feel about him. I still care about him, and am still attracted to him because I can't just turn those feelings off, and I do want to be friends right now as hard as it may be, but at the same time, his beliefs have definitely changed the dynamics and he's gone down in my book. He told me he really cares about me, and will always be there for me. He is a good guy (I know you would want to slap him too with his beliefs, and I know he & I are on different levels because I wasn't brought up like that) but him saying that "he doesn't want a lot of mixes" doesn't sit well with me, it's offensive. I'm a good looking girl and a good person which he knows, but the fact that he's basing his opinions on just looks alone, I just can't fathom! I already know what my next course of action is going to be if I want to maintain this friendship, which is space from him, and taking the time out to decide if this is a friendship I want down the line. Although I want to shake him for many reasons because I don't think that he has grasped certain concepts of life, at the same time, a part of me asks myself if it is ok to fault him? I say yes, I have every right to, but am I correct? As a black woman, this is not something I can just get over and act as if all is well; at least not now. I just wanted to see what people thought about this situation.
Thanks!

MY POV is coming from two points~ 1 as a parent and 2 as young white female. I have a son. Let me say this to you. I would rather my son date (possibly marry) a well educated, smart, pretty black girl than white trash any day.( I made that comment in front of my distant family aunts and got some very funny looks). Does that make sense?? I don't believe that happiness comes in colors. It doesn't matter if you are blue, purple, or yellow, God created us all. What matters in the long run is if youre happy not the color of your skin. There is someone out for you. Don't frown upon him. I know that it sucks, not everyone is like this man you speak of.
Laura
Hi Jgs,
Thank you so much! That does make sense. I know, he's missing out. I wish more people saw the world as we do, but hey it's ok. I know that there's someone better out there for me, and thank you for reminding me of that : )
Welcome to the board claire,
Can I say it, please??!!! Matt is a jerk.