Advice on learning from your mistakes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Advice on learning from your mistakes
5
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 10:20pm

Just recently, the guy that I was really into, finally cut his friendship ties with me because his LDR gf finally moved out here to be with him. Last year, he and I had a sexual relationship that lasted for about 5 months. And it seemed like he was so into me and he treated me like I was the top of the world. Towards the end of the 5th month, he was courting this other lady and he decided to cut the sexual ties (and staying over at my place) with me by saying that he was allergic to something in my place. Even though he would not tell me he was attracted to this lady, he began to slowly pull away from me. He would still claim that he cared about me, loved me, would be there for me forever, etc. But he slowly pulled away. Slowly started distancing, stopping the affection, etc.


It took over a year before he finally cut ties with me, and towards the end we had a friendship that was really weird. He would push me away and take things I said the wrong way, etc, etc. I felt like I was walking on eggshells to not push him away, but i still loved him so it was hard to hide that from him.


Strangely though, it wasn't me who finally did the final axing. Someone I trusted, went behind my back and axed it for me. That hurt me badly.


I know that as he pulled away, and slowly cut the friendship, I panicked and I saw the end coming, where I would lose him and his company forever. I panicked and didn't know how to stop it. I became clingier and more desperate, which is a big turnoff for guys, and he pulled away even faster.


I guess what my question is, is "what do you do when the person you love starts to distance himself?" What are some constructive things you can do to NOT get clingy, act weird, be sad, cry, etc. What can you do to stop the person from distancing himself, or else get him to NOT distance himself?


I made a lot of mistakes and I want to learn from my mistakes, so I don't drive people out of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 11:24pm
First of all, you can't stop someone from distancing themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:38am

True, one should fully grieve your relationship before moving on.


But if you are in a relationship and you see and feel your SO losing interest in you and pulling away, although they claim they aren't. How do you deal with that? You see the end coming. Your gut reaction is usually to cling hard so as to avoid the loss. And your clinginess is usually the final nail in the coffin.


If that's the case, how do you prevent yourself from putting "the final nail in the coffin". At this point in time, the ex may not be fully intent on leaving the relationship, but your clinginess and fear WILL drive the SO away.


What I am asking is, is there a way to prevent the inevitable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 11:31am

You should communicate and deal with your feelings and emotions in a healthy way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:24pm

Welcome to the board dutchess2041,


A few things come to mind, the hard ones - don't cling, don't be desperate, don't be needy when you start to feel the distance thing - John Gray's book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, describes the 'rubberband' thing guys do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 8:48pm

Thing is, I didn't expect him to lose interest or turn on me like the way he did. Even up until the recent end, he was always promising me he would be my friend forever and that he cared about me.


I did notice that his feelings were changing for me last June, so I decided to give him space by taking a week trip by myself out to another city to visit friends. People have told me when you notice someone feeling smothered and pulling away, to give them space, and things can work out. Thing is when I DID give him space by going away for a week, he pulled a fast one on me and when I came back, he stopped staying over at my place on the weekends and he stopped the sex. He was still affectionate with me, but he started to pull away slowly.


The fact that when I GAVE HIM SPACE, that he did the 180 turnaround, that scared me crapless and I didn't know what to do. I clung to him and slowly watched him pull away and I did not know what to do because my original plan of giving him space with that personal vacation, backfired, and it made me very unsure of myself.


I've given space to bf's before, esp when I notice I am clingy and that usually helps the relationship. It did before, but not with this guy.


That's why I am so confused and need to know what to do next time.


But you guys give me some good advice. Maybe when I am stronger about myself, I won't feel so freaked out when a guy pulls away from me.