Advice needed on relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Advice needed on relationship
7
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:22pm

So i met this girl thru a family member back in january. I had just moved out west here from the midwest and didnt really know anyone at all. I have always been timid when it came to meeting women so when i looked at this girls page i felt we had a reasonable chance of getting to know one another.

Well it turned out that i liked her more than she initially liked me but i was ok with that. I checked out her myspace page a few times and then got up the courage to ask her for a second date. (I wont go into the first date because it ended up with a 5 day hangover... gogo new years)

Anyways on the second date i learned she had 3 children already. It didnt bother me at all because i love kids but thats besides the point. Our second date basically was good, we had dinner, i took her to a movie, and we ended up in bed together by the end of the night in some cheesy hotel. I know i know people are going to chastise me as the guy for sleeping with her but the animal magnatism was there and we both wanted it.

We had a few dates after that and i met her children and then we found out she was pregnant. I really didnt know what to think because i have never had a child but adore them. I accepted my responsibility and told her that i would support any decision she would make. I am not pro abortion by any means dont get me wrong i didnt want the child killed so i told her how i felt about it and that it was alright with me if she wanted to have it, that i wanted to be with her. I truely did want to be with her.....

And then we moved in together and i found out her darker side. Admittably i knew the relationship was moving fast and thats my own fault. I can accept that. There are things about her though that are hard for me to move on from. We are now 5 months into a relationship accelerated by a baby and im unsure of what i should do so i guess i will give a little background.

When i met her i knew she was a myspace junkie and was ok with that. What i didnt know is that once we were together, and i felt a certain exclusivity was in order that she would continue to get messages from her ex-lovers and new ones alike.

Most of her dates in the past were myspace hookups. She admits that but seems unwilling or unable to move on from it. She would receive txt messages to her phone from ex-lovers actively seeking to rekindle and pictures of their penis's and then sit there and tell me she doesnt take it seriously. One of them a convicted felon offered to find me and take me out so they could get back together and they could raise my child. (she said he was joking)

She still gets these messages to this very day and tells me that i should trust her to be a big girl. When we got together i severed any relationships i had formal or informal with other women because i didnt feel it was right to keep talking to them in a flirtatious manner while dating her. I am not a cheating type nor have i ever been.

that is just one of my issues. The next issue comes with her attitude anymore. She says she is just difficult and i should have known that when i started dating her but i swear that she has changed quite a bit since i met her. The things that bother me is that she says i dont care about her, or the baby, and i am only with her because of the pregnancy. Its not true because i developed more feelings for her as i got to know her better and i was honest about that. I told her i didnt know where i saw our relationship going until the baby came into the picture and i thought about it more. I think i have shown genuine interest in her and the baby quite a bit. We goto baby stores and buy items, we talk about baby names, i goto all her dr appts that i can make. I've spent many many hours getting to know her existing children and including them in every plan i make. I try to make our life as much as a normal family as i know. But she is constantly throwing it in my face telling me i dont care and asking me why i am with her.

When she gets mad its the first thing she will use against me. She also uses her own children against me. When we get in a fight suddently they are not my responsibility to care about and i shouldnt show interest in them. It truely hurts to have her say that. Sometimes i think its because of the way she was brought up. She was brought up in a broken home where she was in and out of foster care and her parents are both divorced multiple times over. My parents have been together almost 50 yrs. My family is by no means perfect but we had an obviously very different up bringing.

When she gets mad she brings up people i had an interest in before we met that i didnt have now. She compaires our relationship against relationships i never really had. Mostly just flirting on myspace and a couple of these women we played together in a video game online. None of which i have contact with at all since probably the end of january.

I guess it comes down to her not showing interest in anything that is me. She says she hates the way i dress, the tv shows i watch, and she even had a problem with the games i play online when everyone else has gone to bed. I show an interest in everything she likes and it feels one sided. She tells me i dont understand and that im being silly for being upset. She also told me one night she was ashamed of me and the baby. She also refuses to let me meet her family.

I just dont know what to do. any advice you could give would be great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 4:09pm

Hi metakka and welcome to the board,


I'm going to give it to you straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 4:11pm

I honestly mean this advice as sincerely as possible, and hope you don't take any offense to it. First off, why oh why did you have unprotected sex with a woman who you just met, and who already had three kids? And also - do you question the paternity of the child since you really didn't know her at all when she got pregnant? Because (and I really hate saying this to you),as I read your story that is a question that immediately popped into my head.

Aside from that my thoughts are she sounds like she's emotionally unstable. I can guarantee to you that after the baby comes things will not get better, but worse, because a newborn is a HUGE amount of work, and can put a lot of stress on an already strained relationship.

You sound like a really great guy, who is trying to be there for the woman who is now carrying your child. And I commend you for that, but if you really searched your heart are you staying with her because you love her, or now because she's pregnant? You can be there for your child without staying with someone you don't want a relationship with. Maybe you could even get custody if she can't take care of a fourth child by herself. Is she a good mother with her other children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 5:10pm

I dont take offense at it. It was a situation where we were both stupid about it and we both regret it i think but i'm not the type of guy to disown a woman because i was being stupid about protection.

I do question the paternity. I dont know any good way to bring it up without hurting her feelings. I know when i was with her and i know when the due date is and it corresponds with the night i initially slept with her so i really havent questioned it too much.

I just worry that as the guy that if it doesnt work out she will sock me for the maximum in child support and i'll end up living in poverty while she has my child and refuses to let me see them.

I am a really good guy. I work hard and i come home and try to make our relationship a good one. I just dont know what i should do really because i have feelings for her and dont want to screw it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:23pm

This isn't really an issue of "disowning a woman", it's more is the relationship going to work out and be a happy and successful one? Unfortuntely, based on what you've said, it doesn't appear that it can.

It appears to me like you've given all of your power away to this woman. You've indicated that you have feelings for her, but not that you are deeply in love with her. So, I'm really not sure why you are so willing to put up with her behavior, and even be afraid to question her about paternity. Is it because of your really wanting children, and being afraid of losing that? I can understand that, but over time you will not be able to sustain a not meant to be relationship for the sake of a child.

Also, has she made it clear to you that she has feelings for you, and wants your relationship to work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:55am

"I do question the paternity. I dont know any good way to bring it up without hurting her feelings."

I doubt that you will hurt her feelings; probably she will be startled, frightened, and angry, because up to now you have been a really stand-up guy about the situation. However, think about this: If you are ordered to pay $250 per month to support this child, you will be giving her $3000 per year, or $54,000 until the child is 18. Do you really want to give her $54,000 for a child she conceived with another man?

You need some legal advice before you proceed, and don't worry about hurting her feelings when you request proof of paternity. If you don't want to discuss it with her, the lawyer can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 12:45pm

Actually it's more like $1200 a month here =\

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:26pm
Wow! That comes to--let's see--$259,200! You would do that for your own child, but for someone else's, just because you don't want to hurt her feelings? You must have some DEEP pockets.