Advice needed for a relationship gone awry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Advice needed for a relationship gone awry
20
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:11am

So I've reached a dilemma in my relationship, it's big and can possibly break this for me.

I have been together with my boyfriend for just about 2 years now, it's been official for a year now. The courtship was difficult and followed alot of life changes for him including his father's death. I stuck by him and he finally asked me out after we had been seeing each other for a year. Things were great for the first 7 months after he asked me to date him, then I started to notice changes in him. I once again dismissed it as being him still dealing with his own demons and his grief over his father's death, which often has come out as being a source of his moods when we're fighting. He's been very supportive of me as I've handled health issues(cancer) and struggled through school. He's been great, even though he has his own life issues to deal with.

He's become more distant in the past few months, doesn't really respond to my text messages, but he will still call me at night or answer my calls at night. He goes out to the club every weekend, which is also where he works occasionally(he's a DJ). Now I know most of his friends and I know where he stays when he goes out so that is not the issue. The issue has become that when he goes out he falls off the face of the earth until the next day and then suddenly acts like he never went poof, and it annoys the crap out of me. In the past month he has been talking to this one woman, and she's been flirting. Now I obtained this information in ways that I should not have... I snooped. But he has not exactly been telling her to back off, he's been flirting back, but not outright(confusing I know). I cannot bring this up to him because of how I found it out. He has no history of cheating, in fact he's been the one who has been cheated on in each of his relationships. And he does have a strong moral code that he has always lived by. The big thing is there is no evidence that he has ever cheated, just that he has allowed this flirtation. She is in a polyamorous relationship herself(which is something he is highly against) and I don't know what to make of it.

Here's the clincher.... we're in a long distance relationship. We see each other 1 week out of the month every month, or at least that is what we aim for. When we are together, there is no fighting, nor is there any flirting with anyone. He's clingy and affectionate and very very lovey with me. These problems do not exist when we are together. He's not afraid to be in public with me and his friends do all know about me. So it's not like he's skirting around our relationship. He's even been very excited that I'll be moving to his area for my master's degree which will allow us to be much closer and spend more time together. So I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth over all this. I'm trying to trust him because he has not cheated (as far as I know, there is no proof) and I hope that he truly does uphold his moral code even if there is temptation. But I'm not sure if I should wait this out, or turn my back and walk away now.

My instincts tell me to turn and walk away, save myself heartbreak later, but I've been known to be a paranoid person in the past and I don't want that to be what ruins this. But I really do love him, and when I'm with him I can tell how much he does love me as well. I'm at a loss and need some advice that is from the outside of my friend circle. Help??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:24am

Can you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:39am

When we were talking for the first year there were no real groundrules set out. After he asked me to be with him and be his girlfriend it was understood between the two of us that it was from then on out to be exclusive between the two of us. These terms were things that had come up in discussions during the first year and when he asked me out last summer, we both knew that the relationship was to follow that. He has a strong view that cheating is wrong and it does not matter the gender, any intimate contact is considered cheating. Cheating would be physical intimacy with any other person, if he sleeps with her or participates in any physical contact with her beyond friendly hugging and such, I would walk away right then and there. I may be living 9 hours away but I will not be played for a fool.

The flirting does bother me,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 3:56am

Chichi87 wrote:

The flirting does bother me,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 4:03am
Do I talk to him about things? Do I walk away? Or do I just wait to see how things play out?

Honestly I wonder if it's the long distance making me feel a little insecure about things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 4:12am
Chichi87 wrote:
Do I talk to him about things? Do I walk away? Or do I just wait to see how things play out?

Honestly I wonder if it's the long distance making me feel a little insecure about things.
I can't recommend against communication; that seems like an obvious thing to do, no? But I wouldn't approach the conversation immediately from an accusatory or insecure standpoint, acting as if you're competing with another woman. That's weak and liable to make matters worse. I would approach him with some positive ideas to help the two of you improve things and to bridge the communication gaps in your long-distance relationship. If he approached you that way, wouldn't you be more attracted to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 9:02am

Does this relationship fulfill your needs? I would personally not bother with a long-distance relationship that took so long to get off the ground, after 7 months of being "official" feels more distant, with a man who is flirting with other women who want him. I don't get why you've chosen this guy. He's been supportive and you've been supportive to him but romantically, does it work?

Why would you snoop if you didn't plan to do anything about it?

It seems to me that if you want to be in a relationship with a DJ who hangs out at the club on weekends, you'll have to accept that these are the times he will be unavailable to you. It sounds as though he's not doing anything wrong, really. The flirting bothers you, but does it bother you enough to ask him to stop? That wouldn't make me too happy either, but I don't know if it's a deal-breaker for you personally.

This is a tough one. Long distance relationships are completely different; you have to expect and be happy with less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 12:58pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 1:09pm

Unfortunately this has fulfilled my needs up until recently, at least emotionally that is. The beginning was a long hard road but I tolerated it because it was a combination of the both of us trying to get back on our feet in life. Like I said my biggest issue is the lack of attention in combination with the flirting.
I know I need to expect less and when I finally start to, he surprises me and give me more than what I expected so I raise those expectations again. Long distance is extremely difficult, but I felt that until recently it was totally worth it to make it work. It's just gotten harder as time passes because of the distance itself, it has raised insecurities to the surface for both of us and that has lead to fighting. Overall the distance has bred a lack of trust between us because of both of our romantic pasts regarding cheating partners.

It's going to come down to communication at this point. If the flirting really starts to bother me enough I will break it off, but that's only when it starts to reach that point where there's the cheating risk, because that I will not tolerate. I won't waste my time on someone who doesn't respect me enough to stay faithful.

I think the big deal breaker at this point will be whether or not I get accepted into my grad program in his area, if the distance is removed the situation is altered completely.

It's just become frustrating enough that I needed to look for answers from people whom were completely outside of this situation. Thanks guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 1:22pm

How would you know that he is still flirting or going beyond that when you are LD ? He might have forgotten to delete once / twice but may be more careful next time? Who knows ? You are tolerating already . Is it possible that he intentionally left the messages for you to see ? Could be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 7:43pm

chichi, you've received some great advice so far.

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