Advice or thoughts, please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Advice or thoughts, please.
5
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:01pm
Has anyone gone through this roller coaster mess?

I have been seeing someone for 6 years (on and off). Primarily it was sexual for him, but I have always been head over heals for him, and held on to hope, etc.

I've expressed to him on several occasions how I feel and what I would want out of this relationship. In some way we have a strange friendship. So I take it at face value for what it is.

Long story short. We have been through ups and downs. Mostly me verbally expressing the do's and don'ts of relationships. I thought we had a mutual agreement and it was to be friends only.

I have felt at times that he only maintains a relationship with me because of I help him get his personal business deals through. So I take it with a grain of salt. I don't expect anything from him and live life one day at a time. Last year I was dating someone for 9 months, and I was faithful to the new guy, but unfortunately things didn't work out. Different goals in life. So Dream boy came back to the picture, and it was nice getting together with him for one evening and this was back in January. Since then, we have only kept in touch via email, and jokingly the sexual possible visits pops up in our emails, but I don't pursue him in that way.

About a month ago, he got short with me and pulled away. I don't understand him. Does he want a relationship with me or not?

I am so confused. Last week he kept telling me he wanted to see me, but his schedule was pretty crazy. So no big deal. I do my thing as usual. He is not acting like his usual self. Normally by now he would have already hooked up with someone else.

Today he emails me that he would like to try to get together tonight, but needs to find out if he will be out early from work and plans to email me to let me know. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. I am not sure what is the deal.

Sure I play along with yeah, sure, let me know, but no confirmed plans yet.

Any ideas from anyone on what he is thinking?

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:20pm
You're a "source" of no obligation benefit and assistance and adoration....and he wants more of that. But, he doesn't wantto push it - he wants you to instigate the meeting - so that when it all just about sex once its over he hasn't got you screaming at him "but, you KNOW I want more, I've told you I won't settle for just sex."

He wants to be able to quell that with "but you pursued this meeting, you agreed to sex without communication or obligation. I never said I wanted anything specifically and one thing led to another and we've both gotten our rocks off, so please quit carping."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:36pm
Erin,

What I don't understand is why me? I am not the only source he has when it comes to sex.

I understand what you are saying. It took me a long time to digest it and accept it. Is it perhaps that the sex is great with me? I have no complaints when we have gotton together, but why would he want to start something up again after all that has been said?

I have said some pretty hurtful things to him because I see it to be true. I have told him it is impossible for me to have an intimate experience without being emotionally attached. When he pulled away from me and later talked to me asking me to come over, I told him it wasn't a good idea because he knows how emotional I get, and I will want more out of the relationship.

Even with that being said, he is throwing out the idea of getting together. I don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 7:08pm
I have told him it is impossible for me to have an intimate experience without being emotionally attached....but have you held onto that boundary while not expecting "him" to change his values and standards?

In short have you refused all sexual innuendo, contact, and interaction because YOU do not have sex without emotional attachment.....you already nkow he easily does have sex without emotional involvement. So YOU are voluntarily interacting with someone who doesn't share your standards and boundaries....so you must be prepared to enforce them yourself by refusal to his offers......not unrealistically and immaturely expecting him not to make them because you "don't do that".

Also, realize you said that AFTER you had sex, got emotionally attached to him....and continued to have sex knowing that he wasn't emotionally attached to you. Bsically your statement is "when I have sex I get/am emotionall attached" -but you continuedto hve sex with someone that you knew was not emotionally involved in/attached to you. Why would he not come back...he's nto required to be emotionally attached to have sex, and if you are - you're already emotionally attached - so why not "have sex" -who loses?




Is it perhaps that the sex is great with me? I doubt it - but only he would know. But he knows that FOR SURE you are one woman that wants a relationship, will settle for sex, and holds herself accountable to herself for her actions, and thus doesn't "blame hiim or converse with him" about the fact he doesn't want a relationship, while having sex with him. That "situation" that "dyanmic" he would search to heaven and back for and never find. So, I doubt that the sex is great with you over anybody else...but the dynamic certainly is better than with anybody else.

Basically...here's two ways to look at it....some men take you out in order to get sex...and some men have sex because they took you out and enjoyed your company. He's not having to take you out, he's getting to have sex, and he doesn't have to tolerate your company...I do hope you're getting paid.





When he pulled away from me and later talked to me asking me to come over, I told him it wasn't a good idea because he knows how emotional I get, and I will want more out of the relationship.

Even with that being said, he is throwing out the idea of getting together. I don't get it.



But your feeilngs, your needs, your standards - are NOT HIS PROBLEM, his concern, his responsibility. He's made it abundantly clear this is "just sex"...and you've made it just as clear that you can't "do just sex without emotional attachment"....so there are two very diverse positions that there is no compromise within.

So, if you two get together...it'll be because you admire, respect, accept, and understand one another as individuals (not based in sex) and that you desire to continue aplatonic friendship without sexual innuendo or involvement because you admire how he conducts his life, he respects how you pursue your life, etc.

Or, it'll be with one of you trying to get the other to "see it from your point of view". Now...if you get together trying to "make him see he can't get sex from you because you're emotionally attached and he's not"...and he tries to pursue sex with innuendo, flirtation, and physical advance........because you're emotionally attached to him and the idea of sex and what is signifies - you're likely giong to have sex. Which isn't going to makehim any more emotionally involved or attached to you...but it is certainly going to make you more emotionally attached to him and is going to have you pursuing "making him see it your way, and want waht you want" even more...and ever time you meet - he'll be getting sex without obligation whielyou try to "make him want what you want."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 7:26pm
Thanks Erin.

Your words are very helpful. You should consider writing a book. You say it the way it is. There are no if, and, or buts when you state your opinion. I am one of those people who just needs to see things in white or black.

Unfortunately, I tend to over analyze everything, and I have the tendency to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks again.

Rose

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 8:13pm
Why would HE have any respect for your so-called boundaries, when you so clearly do not???

It's up to YOU to enforce them; that's not his job.

Sheri