advice pleace - why can't i be happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2008
advice pleace - why can't i be happy
9
Sat, 04-05-2008 - 6:41pm

Hey, I'd really appreciate any advice you all would have.

Here's the deal - I've been with my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. I am happy. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met. I honestly feel that meeting him is one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. We communicate better than I have ever communicated with anyone ever. Just sitting in the same room with him is a joy.

Now, here's the complicated part.

There is this guy from college who I basically became obsessed with upon first meeting him. I was convinced we were "meant to be." We would hang out - always when it was convenient for him. I honestly think he just liked having someone who completely adored him follow him around to things. He would drag me to events that I thought were going to just be our time and then I'd find out we were meeting some other girl that he was into. I always though - oh it's ok. I don't own him. Just being around him is good enough. We'd talk a lot, then not talk for months. I was obsessed.

After college, he moved to another country and would always come to me as the supportive ear. I'd listen to all of his relationship problems - he would always tell me that he loved me but that he wanted to leave it at that. He "fell in love" and asked another girl-friend of his to move to the other country and live with him, but she declined. I was with him through all of this. He dated this other girl who was totally lame, but he still was "in love with her" and almost asked her to marry him. He would complain to me about her. I was with him through all of that and after - they broke up.

When I met my current boyfriend several years ago, the main obstacle to us being together was me moving on from this guy who I was obsessed with but just appeared to use me. I went into therapy and one of my biggest accomplishments ever is that I was able to move on be in this wonderful, loving, healthy relationship with this other man.

Anyways, several months ago this "friend" came back into town and wanted to hang out and since we are "friends" I agreed to dinner. Anyways, at the end of the evening, he told me that he wants to be with me. I freaked out and basically told him no - why now why are you doing this now when I am in a great relationship! I told the guy no - I love my boyfriend.

My problem is now that ever since he FINALLY told me that he wanted to be with me, I have fallen back into my obsession. I think about him a lot. Honestly I don't even know why I don't even like him that much as a person. However I have become obsessed with thinking about what it would be like to be with him. It's like this constant intrusive thought that I can't shake. It's horrible.

I need help, I really really don't want to lose my current relationship. However, I keep wondering - why do my thoughts always wander back to this obsession? Why can't I shake this person who honestly has only ever been a source of anxiety in my life? Is it because I love him and I'm supposed to be with him? But that can't be right, I don't think he's ever treated me that well - I think he just liked being adored and I was there to do the adoring.

My current relationship will not be able to survive these obsessive thoughts, they are killing me. Any advice is welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 04-05-2008 - 10:59pm

It would be a mistake to throw a relationship you love away because you suspect you may be "supposed" to be with someone.

The only thing in life you are SUPPOSED to do is live it to the fullest.

Now... It comes down to what your heart really wants to do.
If you decide to stay with your boyfriend, you have to let this other guy go.
If you choose to pursue your friend, you will have to let your boyfriend go.
Consider that all decisions are final and made with the intent of never speaking to the "other" guy again.

Does your desire to be with your boyfriend overwhelm your obsession with the other man, or vice versa?

Go with whatever you feel the strongest about. I can't tell you what is better either way. Maybe you'll go your whole life wishing you had tried something with your crush, or maybe you'll go your whole life regretting throwing your relationship away. Perhaps neither.

But if you really want to stay with your boyfriend and give it a fighting chance, you'll have to cut out the other guy completely. It wouldn't be fair to your boyfriend.

Continue therapy, it seems to be helping you. I wish I had an easier answer for you - perhaps the answer will reveal itself with time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 04-05-2008 - 11:17pm

I would go with the one with whom you feel good about - him and yourself.


The obsession guy is someone who brings out the worst in you and his presence creates the feeling that you are not good enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 11:33am

This guy wants you because you are unavailable. Do you really think he has changed and is ready to be in a committed relationship?


It is up to you to do the right thing. Stop talking to this man who isn't a friend at all based on how he has treated you and what he is doing now. Are you still in therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 12:05pm

What caught my eye in your OP was the word "obsession".


My concern for you is you are thinking of throwing away a healthy, loving relationship for an "obsession" and the obsession will probably burn-out in due time; maybe not on your part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2008
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 1:49pm

Thank you all - I agree with your advice. I really don't want to leave my boyfriend - when I think about having a life with him, it feels like home (I can't think of a better way to describe that.) However, ours has never been a very "passionate relationship" - it's been like this calm and steady breeze that was built on mutual respect and understanding and caring and shared interests. It hasn't been some kind of whirlwind - which is how I think most people think of love - it just feels safe and comfortable and warm. I mean as soon as we met, we started spending lots of time together and about one month later - I was like hey am I your girlfriend - and he was like - yep I guess you are! It was just the most natural thing.

I think that my thoughts of this obsession of mine are tied to some desire for passion - whatever that is. Maybe I want those intense high highs - which honestly only ever end in sadness. I see him as coming back and bringing back those dizzying feelings. - I think I had idealized him to a ridiculous level. All my friends can't stand him and said that he always treated me disrespectfully.
It just that I think to myself - wait shouldn't I be having those crazy feelings about my boyfriend? And then I get scared! I shouldn't be embarking to build a life with someone I love when I have crazy feelings for someone else. I just get so anxious and scared about it.

I want to learn how to overcome that desire to throw myself at something which I know will probably hurt me! I mean why now 8 years later - when I was there through all of his previous flings/relationships (there were many) - is it because he ran through all his other female friends and now it's me? Why wasn't I good enough before? Or because he sees that I am actually very happy and wants some of that? Is it because now I'm taken and he wants what he can't have? Or - the little nagging voice says - is it because he finally realized that through it all you were the one for him and now you are going to ride off in a carriage together like some silly Jane Austen novel.

What I would like is never to think about him ever again. But I don't know how to get rid of these adolescent feelings that are all rushing back at me now that he gave me another dose of the drug that was him (always dancing in and then dancing back out of my life again - always enough to make sure I was still hooked and then back out).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 2:19pm

Welcome to the board pink2008,


::Honestly I don't even know why I don't even like him that much as a person. However I have become obsessed with thinking about what it would be like to be with him.


Focus on what you don't like about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2008
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 4:19pm

Thank you - I know you are right.

I did tell the guy I am with - I told him that I was going to go to dinner (I thought, perhaps naively that we were just buds and that I could handle it - I was just seeing a friend who had come back into the country) and after I got back from dinner I told him everything that happened. He told me that I am sabotaging myself and told me that I shouldn't see that person again for my own good. I agreed. That's another thing thats wonderful about my boyfriend - he didn't freak out (he was upset of course)- he calmly dealt with it and didn't like get possessive and tell me not to see that person but framed it that I don't like what that person does to me so I shouldn't see him. I'll read those things you sent.

I am going to meet with my therapist, hopefully this week. I need to fix this because I do want to be happy, not insane like I have been with this person in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 8:10am

"I thought, perhaps naively that we were just buds and that I could handle it"


In the beginning of this thread, you tell us that this guy "used" you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 1:58pm

Some people can live with a wonderful love but without passion and some can live with the passion and always long for the love.