Advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Advice please
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 12:06pm

Please give me your honest opinion of me. 

I am a 26 year old woman and I am in a relationship of three years now. Our relationship has had more downs than ups. Firstly, I got out of an unhappy relationship with an older man before I got with him. I was young and naive and did not know how to handle the situation as I was too young. My ex was still try and get in contact with me and kept changing my number, I was sometimes nice to him and sometimes horrible. I tried to keep him so he would just go away. This resulted overly friendly texts and some images being sent which I only did to get rid of him. I didn't do it because i felt something. I'm not one of those people that made decisions, I was always just told what to do. I only had the courage to break up with him when my gran passed away and I realised how short life really is and I couldn't live like this. So I broke up with him, got into another relationship and the texts happened. Eventually he went away cos I changed my number and he stopped ringing my house. My current partner found all these texts and our relationship went down the drain but we're still together and we are stronger. I am much happier with him and can be myself, something I couldn't before. I'm training to be strong and true to myself and less of a coward. He understands what happened even though it will always hurt. I recently was on Facebook and ended being approached by someone he had a fight with in his younger days and I told him. It was general chit chat, nothing more, nothing less. He did not take it very well and now our relationship has been dug deeper underground. I'm chasing him, changing myself so he does not have to experience any sad emotions ever again cos of me. All this is common sense and I keep hurting him. I'm working on this and I am not willing to give up but I need to know how I come across to other people so I can see myself differently and change for the better. 

Any feedback will be appreciated. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 12:45pm

You need to change your opinion of yourself!  You went from one bad relationship to another one.  This one didn't go bad because someone contacted you on facebook!  In a good relationship, you don't have to struggle to be happy.  If you knew there was bad blood between the man who approached you on Facebook, and the man you are with, WHY would you even "chit-chat" with him?  And then you tell your b/f.........were you trying to make him jealous?  Your relationship is now underground (?) and now you're chasing him?  His "sad emotions" aren't because of you, they are his problem.  He is responsible for his emotions, you are not.  YOu need to stop valuing yourself by the men you are with.  You need to learn to live your life without depending on a man for your own self worth!  Your "value" doesn't depend on a man!  You were right, life is short, and you should do everything you can to have a happy life.  You need to be happy in yourself, and then you will attract a man that is also happy in himself.  Learn to love yourself, and don't look for a man to give you value.  Work on your own insecurities, and until you fix yourself, you will always attract insecure men, and together, it will be a mess like you have now.  Find a good counselor to help you.  Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 3:50pm
Thank you, deeply appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 11:36am

I'm very confused by your post.  You said that you sent certain images, which I imagine are some kind of sexy pictures, to "get rid of" your ex BF--how would that get rid of him?  Usually you send those pics when you are trying to attract someone.  So then after you wanted to break up with him and were with the new BF, your ex texted you--well if you wanted to get rid of him, then the easiest way is not to respond to his texts or to just send one text saying "we're through.  Don't contact me any more."  From your description, it sounds like you had conversations with him by text, unless I'm misreading it.  So ok, he is done.  I don't understand what it is that "will always hurt" your current BF about your ex if you were not cheating on him with the ex and were trying to get rid of him.  What is it that he is hurt about?

Now with the Facebook chat with this old enemy of your BF, did you know that your BF didn't like him when this guy approached you?  If so, why would you bother to chat with him?  There is no requirement that you answer someone just because they try to send you a message on FB--you could have blocked him.  If you didn't know about the circumstances, then your BF has no reason to be mad at you.

What I don't like is the sense that you are "chasing" your BF and trying to change yourself.  If you are in a good relationship, you don't have to try to change yourself to keep your BF, you can just be yourself.  Although everyone should try to improve whatever their bad habit are.  It's kind of hard to judge with incomplete information.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 8:30am

Until you learn how to be happy without a man in your life, you will never be happy with a man in your life.  Happiness does not come from outside of comes from within.  The person you are with is a rebound from the person you were with before.  Find some hobbies, find some girlfriends, find some happiness in our life without an SO.  After a year or two, then, perhaps you can make a healthy relationship.

Currently, you seek toxic relationships.  Making up is exciting and you enjoy the chase and being chased, even if it's surrounded by drama.  You feel like you aren't "whole" unless you have a man at your side, and, thus, you keep men "in the wings" in case the one you are with doesn't work out.  That is my frank and honest opinion from what you wrote.