advice PLEASE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
advice PLEASE!!!
2
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 7:40pm
Hi :)

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. Everything is wonderful, I love him & trust him 100%. I know he would never cheat on me (by that I mean, he would never have sex with someone else).

He has several female friends, and I am fine with that. I have met them all, and I know that they are nothing more than 'just friends'.

But today, he told me about a girl he met 3 weeks ago. They have talked on the phone several times, and she even came over to his place to watch a movie. Ok, normally that would not bother me. I am secure in our relationship, and like I said, I trust him.

But from what he told me about this girl, it is OBVIOUS she is interested in being more than 'just friends'. When they first met, she told him she didn't have a boyfriend, and now she says, she has a boyfriend, but she is breaking up with him soon. She call my boyfriend at 3am, drunk. When she was at his house watching a movie, he said, she tried to lean against him on the couch but he made an excuse to get up.

I've never been jealous of his female friends .. I have guy friends myself. But I told him that there is just something about this that doesn't feel right. He said, he thinks maybe at first she wanted something more, but now she wants to be just friends too, although, she hasn't actually SAID that. I told him that's just nuts! They just met 3 weeks ago, so if she was interested last week, she's still interested now!


He doesn't know why this is bothering me, I even started crying while we were discussing it. He doesn't consider spending time with this girl as cheating, because he is not kissing, touching, or having sex with her. But I do. I don't think you have to have sex to cheat on someone. He is doing things with her, that I would consider to be a date. Going out for drinks, watching movies ALONE together at his house, and considering the fact that she keeps flirting with him, and bringing up the fact that she is unhappy with her current boyfriend, and telling MY boyfrend what a great guy he is, I mean HELLO! He has to know she wants him!!

I want to tell him to stop spending time with her, because it hurts my feelings. But I don't want to seem like a jealous b*tch. I am going to suggest that maybe the 3 of us get together for drinks one night, and see how the girl reacts to that. If she wants to be 'just friends', she would be fine with that, right? All of his other female friends are, we get along great, and we go out sometimes without him.

I'm rambling now lol.

Can anyone tell me a good way to ask him to stop hanging out with this girl, without seeming like I don't trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:34pm
Tell him point blank that it makes you feel very insecure when he spends quality time with another girl who has a sexual/romantic interest in him. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. And then you have to wait and see what he does with this info. If it comes from your heart and you are not manipulative/controlling and he really cares about you then he will not do this. (hopefully)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:50pm

Hi there,


I completely understand. I've gone through very similar situations with my boyfriend. They are oblivious, aren't they? He sees things as black and white, and so if he sees it as just friends, he thinks that they both do. Right?


Well, I think your idea is great. In my opinion, if you are in a commited relationship, everyone in the other person's life should be open to you. If they aren't, well, that means that they either want more than friendship, or just not cool with you. Both things are not too swell.


Do that, and if he says something like he doesn't want to, then ask why. He should be totally cool with it, if he isn't, he may be protecting her feelings. And well, he shouldn't be thinking of hers over yours. I do agree he is doing very date-like things with her, but does he do those things with his other female friends? If not, then they obviously have a different type of friendship than you are accustomed to.


You do have rights here, as you need to be comfortable in your relationship. It seems that you've always been very easy going, and not clingy at all. So, hopefully you'll get the opp to hang out with this chick. Once you do, you'll feel it out. Meet her clear headed though, don't have your head all clouded by what you already think of her. After the evening, then really think of what her intentions are, and if your boyfriend is truly blind to them.


If you think she has more intentions than friendship, it is time you make some new boundaries with your boyfriend that you both are comfortable with. Remind him that you've always been cool with his friendships, but that you are uncomfortable with certain activities, etc. Set up the lines that you would feel good with. Maybe switch the situation around, ask him how he'd feel if you were cuddling up watching a video with a new friend that he doesn't really know yet.


I think it simply is that he sees it black and white...they are friends...but,

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"