Advice - Should I leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Advice - Should I leave?
5
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:06pm
I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 years. We met soon after my husband and I separated and in the beginning it was great! He was romantic, passionate, attentive and was great with my then 6 year old son. It was not too long after we moved in together that he changed completely- inattentive, surly, withdrawn. Now it is to the point that when he comes home from work he goes upstairs to our bedroom closes the door and only comes downstairs every couple hours. When he does come downstairs he expects me to drop whatever I (or my son) was doing to talk/ spend time with him. Also, I recently discovered (quite by accident) that he called a "casual dateline" local chatting phone line. When I asked him why he would do that, he said "Curiosity". What does that mean? Is that some type of secret guy code?
I feel in my bones that this is a toxic relationship. We haven't had sex in months, in fact I can't remember the last time we did, we never talk, he doesn't even seem to like me and my son anymore, even though he professes that he "loves us or he wouldn't be here". It is starting to sound like a bunch of bull.
What really worries me about leaving is the emotional effect it will have on my son, who has grown attached to my boyfriend over the last 4 years. My son still has lingering issues with my dicorce - even though my ex-husband and I had an unsually easy time of it. I am really worried that I was selfish when I spearated from my ex-husband because neither of us were happy, especially me, but if I break up with my current guy I will be doing it for selfish reasons (my own happiness) and I will once again hurt my son. I do not want to do that.
I feel pretty stupid now to be honest. In the beginning I was so sure that he was "the One" that I wonder now if I moved too fast and wasn't protective enough about the impact this relationship would have on my son. But then again, at the time it never occured to me that I would be thinking about leaving.
If it was only me and I didn't have kids, I would be long gone, but with my son involved, it complicates things ten fold. Basically, should I leave or stick it out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:15pm

Hi renabobeena and welcome to the board.


I'm not sure how you figure you are being selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:34pm

Thanks for the advice.

The reason that I feel like I was selfish is because I went through several agonizing years of trying to get up the courage to separate from my husband, who isn't a bad guy, just not the right guy for me. I read books, talked to friends, really tried to have my eyes open about how divorce would change not only my life, but my son's. But now looking back, I wonder if I was just being selfish and I was only thinking of my own happiness and not that of my son. I was so sure back then that in the end, it would be better for my son to grow up in two households where each parent is happy than one where they are miserable. Seeing the emotional toll that even an easy divorce has had on my son, I can see that I was looking through rose colored glasses.

And here I am again. You know, yesterday while I was doing homework (I am finishing up an Masters Degree...yeah!) I had an epiphany. I realized that my currrent boyfriend is a selfish, egotistical man. Just like my ex-husband is and just like my father is. Do you see a pattern? I sure do and boy-oh-boy was that an eye opener.

I have asked/told my boyfriend many times what I want/need. He always says that he will work on it, but a week later it is back to the same old routine. I don't even ask anymore, since I don't believe he really cares one way or another.

I can ask him again to go to counseling. I am not sure if he will take it seriously, since I don't think that he takes half of the responsbility for our issues. "That's who I am, if you don't like it, tough", would be his answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:44pm

It sounds like counseling would be a good idea for your son since you said your divorce took an emotional toll on him. It would also be helpufl if/when you end your current relationship.


It seems obvious that if you are going to continue in this relationship that changes need to be made. If he won't make the changes, you are going to have to try and make them happen. Try going in the bedroom and asking him to join you in your son for a walk, playing

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:08pm

Since you see the pattern, now that means you can change it by working on it...so maybe counseling for you and your son....that would be a good start. You can do this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:33pm
YOu are staying so that yoru son can have a non emotional and distant relationship with his stepfather? You are staying so that your son can learn that relationships are meant to happen in separate spaces? You are staying so that your son can learn that daddy can look for other women?