advice what do i do

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
advice what do i do
2
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 6:41am
my partner was introduced to me by my sister and was told he is a very nice guy.when i met him, wasn't something i really like at all but since i wasn't in any relationship, i decided to give it a try.

and we started dating,but didnt date for long b/4 i realised i was pregnant.also i decided not to do any abortion. so i decided i will have the baby. and with the hope things will work out and i will live to love him cos my friends says love grows any way.

but in my own case love never grows cos by the time i started living with him, i realised he's not my kind of guy at all.but for the fact that he was thru my sis and my family was kind of accepted him . so it was had for to say am leaving and with a new baby.

now it almost three years and am very unhappy in the relationship. i decided to make myself happy , i met and fell in love with another guy and i really love him so much. i have been seeing this guy now for a year and we both want to be together.hhe's got three kids but on his own. i love him so much cos he makes me happy and i love being around him.

my partner got to know about and hell wwas let loose. i called him and told him i want to leave but wont listen to me cos he loves me so much and doesn't want to loose me. but right from the start ours wasn't a great relationship and not great sex life at all.

bottom line is that we are both unhappy cos there is laways quarrel there and here. and he doesn't trust me anymore. and any little argument comes up. he will refer to me having an affair and call me all sort of names.we've lost respect for each other.

i want to be happy for the sake of my babay.i dont want to live the rest of my life in misery.he's threatened to kill himself if i ever leave. i asked to let give each other a space but he is not ready to give it a try.just want to see me 24/7.

and me am getting fustrated.i feel a kind of regret getting into the relationship in the first place. and my parents and family makes me realise i have to stay cos i've a baby for him and there is no better man out there.

i love this other guy so much and i still see him once a while but he calls regularly.and said he will give me time to sort things out with my partner.

pls what do i do, cos am going crazy.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:35am

You are in a difficult and basically negative situation. The threats the man you are living with is making (to kill himself if you leave - and calling you names because of the affair and constantly wanting to be with you) is all part of an abusive relationship - and filled with manipulation and sickness. You need professional guidance and help and support in handling this situation. Get yourself a good counsellor or therapist. Also go to some meetings for abused women and learn more about the dynamics of this kind of siuation. You have every right to be happy and fulfilled in life. If you are so unhappy with him, you do not have to stay there. However, you do need to understand how to get out of this relationship safely and wisely, and therefore need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:00am
I just have to say this because I've seen about 4-5 posts from this same woman on this same issue, and in every post, her husband becomes more "cruel and manipulative and mean" and she becomes more of a victim. She is looking for someone to justify her affair and will keep making new posts until someone sympathizes.

So let's answer this once and for all. No, you are NOT justified in sleeping with another man, especially a married man! You are not only hurting your husband, but also his wife. No, her husband is NOT abusive for being upset with her and watching her every move. The women on this board are quick to call any man who cheats a name and encourage his wife to "let him have it". She's cheating...why are there different standards for her? And finally, yes, you should have to deal with the situation you created. So what if your sister introduced you to this man? If you didn't like him, you should have ended the relationship then. Do not say that you slept with this man unprotected, got pregnant a few months into the relationship, and then ask for sympathy when choices YOU made came back to bite you in the a**! Your sister introduced the two of you thinking you might like each other. She never told you to sleep with him, get pregnant by him, or marry him. Your family is now telling you to stand up in the the face of decisions that you made and act responsibly. If you feel being with him is wrong and ruining your life, then be an adult and make the decision to leave. But don't cry about being helpless in this when the place that you are now in was caused by decisions you made.