advise on spiked drink incident

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
advise on spiked drink incident
2
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:53pm
Hi! Well, I already asked this question before but I feel I need more advise. The story is a bit strange, but here is what happened: Last Saturday I was invited to my then boyfriend´s birthday bash. He was not very attentive (while for the two months that we have been together he was a complete sweetheart) and I was bored and a little bit edgy. The thing is I believe (and I am not alone in this belief) that I was drugged at this party and my memory of it is pretty much fragmented although all I had was one full drink and a bit of a second glass. Ido remember a girl coming out of nowhere and going ballistic when she heard I was going out with Ian (I have no reason to believe he already had a girlfriend, or if he did he did an excellent job hiding it) and urged me to leave the party in a very aggressive way. I was too week to protest and she then tried to introduce me to a guy saying that he was a good friend of hers and he was going to make sure I got home alright and that Ian wouldn´t mind. I must have refused and then she took the guy and went over to Ian and the three of them were engaged in a conversation that I have no idea what was about. Then Ian came to me and hissed that he couldn´t care less if I left with the guy. I honestly don´t remember my reactions but I somehow ended up going home with this guy. When we got there, he told my flatmate that he suspected I was drugged and instructed her to call the police, which she didn´t; I vaguely remember calling my boyfriend in tears twice but he was really rude. The next morning I had a huge bruise on my knee and the guy who took me home stopped by to see how I was doing and told me he was in fact a complete stranger , never before having met my boyfriend or this bizarre girl. I was very upset for days. I tried calling my BF numerous times but he hasn´t been taking my calls or answering my texts. In a way I can´t blame him cause who knows what that girl told him and I did end up going home with another guy. The more I think about it though, the more angry I get at him for allowing a complete stranger to take me home in the state I was in. He knows I never get drunk and he must have sensed something bizarre. I need the answers but he is not willing to give me any. I know better than to want him back and I don´t but it pains me for him to think I am a drunken slut and I really want to know what happened that night. I have no recllection of it - just fragments. Some people have suggested that my BF was in on it or at least he knew once I got drugged who did it and did nothing to help me but I just don´t know how to react; I am still waiting for the toxicology reports but I may have left it too long for any traces of whatever it was to be detected. I feel pretty confused and would honestly appreciate any advise as to what could explain his mean behavior and what I should do next

Thanks

Kristen
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 5:51pm
Kristen,

I don't know where to begin....

::Ido remember a girl coming out of nowhere and going ballistic when she heard I was going out with Ian (I have no reason to believe he already had a girlfriend, or if he did he did an excellent job hiding it) and urged me to leave the party in a very aggressive way. I was too week to protest and she then tried to introduce me to a guy saying that he was a good friend of hers and he was going to make sure I got home alright and that Ian wouldn´t mind. I must have refused and then she took the guy and went over to Ian and the three of them were engaged in a conversation that I have no idea what was about. Then Ian came to me and hissed that he couldn´t care less if I left with the guy.

Sounds to me that if Ian was inattentive, this girl was upset you were dating him, and probably told him some lie about you wanting to go home with the guy but were afraid of how he would feel, so then he told you he didn't care. My guess is that she led him to believe you really wanted to go home with the guy. He got upset.

:: When we got there, he told my flatmate that he suspected I was drugged and instructed her to call the police, which she didn´t.

I wonder why she didn't.

::I vaguely remember calling my boyfriend in tears twice but he was really rude.

That should be your answer right there. He's unwilling to hear the truth, doesn't believe you and doesn't want to talk to you.

::The next morning I had a huge bruise on my knee and the guy who took me home stopped by to see how I was doing and told me he was in fact a complete stranger , never before having met my boyfriend or this bizarre girl.

You were lucky that this complete stranger was nice person.

::I tried calling my BF numerous times but he hasn´t been taking my calls or answering my texts. In a way I can´t blame him cause who knows what that girl told him and I did end up going home with another guy.

This shows that he doesn't want to know the truth, he'd rather believe what the girl told him.

::The more I think about it though, the more angry I get at him for allowing a complete stranger to take me home in the state I was in. He knows I never get drunk and he must have sensed something bizarre.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Maybe this girl is really his girlfriend and this was the easiest way for him to deal with it.

:: but it pains me for him to think I am a drunken slut

FORGET that. Who cares about his opinion? If he was a friend, decent, he would have seen you home, he would have taken you aside and talked to you, etc.

:: and I really want to know what happened that night. I have no recllection of it - just fragments. Some people have suggested that my BF was in on it or at least he knew once I got drugged who did it and did nothing to help me

You may never get those answers.

:: but I just don´t know how to react;

You are already processing how you feel. Angry at him for his belief about you, not helping you, not answering your calls, etc, hurt over how he treated you or didn't treat you.

::I am still waiting for the toxicology reports but I may have left it too long for any traces of whatever it was to be detected.

Even if you get positive results for the drug you could report it and let the police investigate, but chances are no one will own up to it and nothing will be done.

::I feel pretty confused and would honestly appreciate any advise as to what could explain his mean behavior and what I should do next

His mean behavior - who can say, he has a girlfriend, got busted, dumped you, drugged you (or know who did) and isn't answering your calls.

You've been victimized and it's horrible to feel helpless and not get any answers. You might consider short-term counseling to help you through it.

Also, as a side note, for closure for yourself, I think you ought to try writing him some UNSENT letters to help you sort through what you'd really like to tell him. Then if you get really 'unemotional' about it, write him a letter about the evening - with the facts as you know them - then decide if you want to sent it, or if you are ok with feeling lucky to be away from this guy.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:40am
Hi and thanks for your thoughts. Well, I got the results today and it seems that they are not conclusive but I was told that very small traces of a drug called ketamine was found, enough to have it reported. I was warned that there is not much that can be done and I may never find out exactly what went on. I am furious that whoever did this to me is going to get away with it and will probably feel free to do it to other women. And maybe next time the next girl will not be as lucky as I was. As for Ian, I have not made any attempts whatsoever to contact him since Sunday and naturally I have`n´t heard from him either. I am still upset that this relationship ended the way it did as he never gave me any reason to doubt him in the past. If the girl was his girlfriend he must have been pretty thick to invite her and me to the same party (considering that at a point he was quite openly with me, kissing and showing off (but then again I assume maybe that was before she arrived). What pains me the most is that he is so unwilling to hear me out. Maybe I will try the unsend letter advise and see how that goes. In the mean time I am still trying to cope. With a bit of luck I will put everything behind me very soon.

Thanks for your advise and kind words.

Kristen