Is Affection important??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2013
Is Affection important??
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 7:13pm

My husband is not affectionate. Never initiates kissing me,touching me, hugging ect... This makes me feel bad. I wanted to know am i the only one that thinks affection is important in a relationship?  I want other womens opinions if this is important? If your spouse is not affectionate does it make you feel bad or are you ok withour having it. I do not think i am a needy person, but he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me because i need affection

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 7:27pm

Yes I also think it's important.  I'm not in a relationship now but when I was in one, I'd probably feel neglected if I never got any affection.  The problem is when 2 people in a couple have different needs & desires as far as affection goes.  Was he always this way or is it something new?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 9:03pm

Affection is important to me, I don't think I would last long in a relationship with someone who wasn't affectionate. Was your husband affectionate in the past? Did you not care about affection when you married him but now you want it? In other words, what changed? For how long have you been married/with him? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 2:35am
I think most human beings naturally crave some affection but some need more affection than others. I was also going to ask if he was ever affectionate? And if so when did it stop? Seems to me he must have shown you at least some affection whilst you were dating, since you did marry him. The thing is that could just be the way he was raised. I myself come from a family where there was never a lot of feelings, touching or affection expressed. So when I got married to a man that needs a lot of affection it didn't come naturally to me to be real affectionate with him and I had to often remind myself that he needs hugs and kisses to feel loved. Have you expressed to him that you need affection and that it makes you feel bad that he doesn't give you the affection you need?
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:51pm

I think almost anyone would say that affection is very important in a good relationship. However, each person has a different amount that they would say they need or require. A lack and especially a total lack of affection from one party can often times be a sign that there is something wrong in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2011
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 2:01pm

is a flame important for a candle to burn and give its great smelling scent?

the answer is of course

so yes affection is more important then actual sex...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 12:42am

I was married to a man like that, and it took me several years to figure out that his mother was a very cold and unaffectionate woman.  She never hugged him or kissed him.  We were from the old school, and there was no sex before marriage, so I didn't really notice it too much.  Once we got married, if I even touched him he would pull away.  Forget an innocent kiss........I finally figured out that since he had no affection growing up, he didn't know the difference between affection and sex, and he thought if I touched him I was looking for sex.  I was married to him for 20 years and it never changed.  You might try counseling, but if he's like most men, he won't go yourself, and learn how to deal with it, or maybe learn that you shouldn't stay in the marriage.  I'll bet no one in your husband's family is touchy feely or affectionate......that's how he grew up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2013
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 12:27am

for years i use to come up behind my wife and kiss and nibble on her neck,then  she started telling me knock it off.7 yearsago she starting saying intimacy was the least important part of a relationship and 2 people can be happily married and never have sex and if i didnt like it i could pack my sh_- and get out.i dont kiss my wife or hug any more.3 months ago she said i use to be the right size,and complains i dont show her any affection or try for sex.she hasnt done any thing to me in over 10 years ,men and women are alike they want to be showen  that you are still attracted to them and if 1 pushes the other away or does what my wife is doing kiss affection goodbye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 9:40am

Get the book "The Five Love Languages" from the library, or buy it. Read it and discuss it with your hubby. Each person has one main important thing they need from their significant other to feel loved. My husband needs praise--compliments and appreciation, thank you's. Some people like little gifts like flowers or trinkets or cookies. Like you, physical affection is the most important thing to me. He needs to understand this, and the book may open his eyes. Get him in the habit by asking for what you want. While you're watching t.v. or you're in bed, ask for a foot or back rub. Tell him you like holding hands while watching t.v. Tell him you like your hair caressed and ask him to do this. Praise him when he does this. Say, "Oh, that feels so good. You really know how to give a massage." If he reaches for your hand, give him a big smile. He might not come from an affectionate family and needs to be taught this skill. If he cares about you, he will try to change his behavior to make you happy. If he doesn't, try counseling. If he still doesn't try, make yourself less accessible to him. Take up a new hobby. Spend more time with girlfriends. Spend more time away from home. If he thinks you're losing interest in the relationship since he's not making an effort, he'll learn what life is like without you around. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 6:24pm

how else is the relationship going to work if he is not showing that he is interested in you. i would like to know do you even consider lunch hour sex? role playing during sex? being in your birthday suit to please him in order to see that he is in the mood to know that you are willing to keep him around? sometimes women must go the the distance and make sure that your man is not getting is fulll atttention somewhere else. sometimes you must be able to please yourself when he is the same room with you and show that you are not ready to just get your freak on alone. i would wear a robe and put on some nice leather boots or stripper heels and and while he is the couch or in his favorite chair i would spread my legs and play with myself to show that i want make a night to remember and if you are not willing to play then get a full view of what you are missing. pull out all the stops. extra moans and groans. and i would have my hair in loose curls to show him that my "kitten" is ready to roar.