afraid he will cheat

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
afraid he will cheat
10
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:25pm




Hi everyone, I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. I have beeen dating my boyfriend for 5 months now . when I first dated him I thought that it was a fling. He is a wild type and not usually the type of guy I would date but now I have found him to be a wonderful man with so many good qualities and we have told each other that we are committed to making this work. But through it all, I've had a hard time accepting that I could fall in love with a guy like this and I went overboard and started snooping around ( I know that it was wrong) and found some 7 sex tapes along with photos he had made with girls, even a threesome. I know he is a very sexual person and he does love beautiful women. He's always staring at them and making comments like look at that one. He says he's just having fun and I know that it's a part of his sense of humor. Anyways since finding the sex tapes which was four months ago, I have been clingy because I am thinking he is going to cheat because he has such a high sex drive and is such a party boy. He confronted me with this clinginess today and said that what I am doing is hurting our relationship and that he needs his space. He says he would like 2 days off without me a week. I told him I was clingy becasue I have a lot of tragic things going on in my life and was taking a break from life when I met him. I told him, I didn't think it would last so long so I have been trying to find out what he is all about and I have been careless with us. He said it was silly, that we are lasting and I should accept that and stop being careless. He said he does love and care about me or else he would not care so much to have this talk with me. The thing is he is going to a music art festival for a whole week with some friends and I don't want him to go. I know there will be drug use which he partakes of and nude women running around and I am afraid he's going to cheat on me. I can't go because I can't afford the time or money and don't know what to do or say. He says I can't let him go and then make him pay for it later. I can't tell him not to go because then he might resent me right? It's a big event and it's the only time he and his friends will ever be able to go. I am thinking the best thing to do is to say honey I trust you and have fun and go with that and he will respect me more. I mean it's only been 5 months right? I am so afraid that since I have been clingy he will sabotage this relationship by cheating. When we were having our talk about my clinginess he was kidding around and said maybe we should get you pregnant and then there is no turning back so no question of wheather we belong together or not. I am so confused right now. Any help would be awesome. Thanks in advance








Edited 8/19/2004 7:32 pm ET ET by elevatedmind2004

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:50pm

Clinging and expressing insecurity never works. It pushes the person away and makes yourself less desirable. If you are going to continue this relationship you must find a way to trust him. Trust is the basis of all relationships and you can't go on and on doubting his faithfulness and doubting your own desirability as well. Of course you should not make him feel guilty for going to this festival. It is only 5 months and even if it were longer than that, it's something he wants to do. He will certainly resent it if you make

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:58pm
There are a couple of different issues here.

1)You say 'I have found him to be a wonderful man with so many good qualities'

and then you say 'He's always staring at them and making comments like look at that one...I know there will be drug use which he partakes of'

Exactly how great is he? Does he really have the qualities of a good boyfriend if he makes comments about other women and uses drugs?

2)'He says he would like 2 days off without me a week'.

I think this is a reasonable request. You need a ba;ance in a relationship and I think the larger issue here is you and your happiness. What else is going on for you? School, work, friends, family? If you are basing your happiness on him, then no wonder he is worried about your clingyness.

'I told him I was clingy becasue I have a lot of tragic things going on in my life and was taking a break from life when I met him.'

What do you mean by this?



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:27am
First of all, whatever you do, for God's sake DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!!!

Second of all, I think you are right, I think there is a good chance he will cheat at the festival. You say he has a "high sex drive" and he loves "beautiful women." And at the festival there will be drugs and plenty of available naked women, and his friends there to cheer him on. It sounds like a nightmare to me, and a disaster just waiting to happen.

I agree though that you can't "forbid him to go," and you can't make a big deal out of it. Basically you have no control here over what he does. You do have to think of yourself though and also your health, he could be exposing you to fatal diseases.

Personally I think that I could not be with a man like this, if it is so likely he will not be faithful, is he really worth the trouble? There are men out there who will not act like this, who you can trust and never have to worry about. You have some hard thinking to do, and whichever way you go it won't be easy. But remember the most important thing is taking care of yourself and looking out for your own best interests---cause no one else is gonna. My thoughts are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:07am
First off,thanks for all your responses. I have a lot of thinking to do. Well the tragic parts have to do with my father being sick and my having to take care of him financially and then my losing some friends who are guys who had crushes on me and then things got wierd. I am also going through a rough time at work so I am not in the mood to go out and be too sociable and rather like being a homebody whereas my boyfriend loves having people over and entertaining. He's a very socialble person and sometimes I just follow in his footsteps. Despite all of his past partying , since he has been with me he hasn't partied much except on special occasions but right now he is building his house and so that's his first priority and I am not sure if things will change once he is done with his house. He did however take me on a trip to France to meet his family and I am the only girl whom he's ever bought from the US to meet his parents so I think he thinks I am special but I am afraid I have ruined it. I am thinking I will let him go and then hope for the best but I think it might kill me knowing he's around all these women where everything goes. It's like a woodstock event. Anyways , thanks for your responses . I appreciate them much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:24am
Keep in mind that if he was truely motivated to cheat he could be doing it right now. You don't have to go to a Woodstock-like event to find beautiful women or women willing to flash their goodies. I live in a city that was involved in the Stanley Cup Finals (hockey). After every game between 15,000 and 40,000 people would gather in a 5 block stretch of one street and party hard. Hundreds of young women would flash pretty much anything. No doubt there are places in your city that action could be found tonight if he really wanted.

What you are doing is holding his past against him with a bit of resentment. You obviously do not trust him or his intentions. Just because he is going away doesn't mean he is going to cheat. I think he should be measured (and trusted) based on his actions WITH you moreso than on his past.

Lets turn this around for a moment - he is going to be away for a few days, what a glorious opportunity for you to cheat. Did you ever party hard or have a promiscuous moment in your past? Should he be concerned and holding that against you, complete with fear of leaving you alone for a few days?

If you don't have basic trust in him today, with you, right this very moment - then this is not a good relationship for you at all. It wouldn't matter if he was going to Woodstock, the North Pole or downtown in your city as there is opportunity anywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 2:01am
"You don't have to go to a Woodstock-like event to find beautiful women or women willing to flash their goodies."

I agree with this, BUT, I have to stand by my opinion that in an environment where this kind of thing is the norm, especially with drug use, statistically it is MORE LIKELY to happen. Are you more likely to get drunk at church or at the neighborhood bar? There is liquor in both places. I believe, from experience unfortunately, that a very sexual person who is in an environment where free sex is all around, and partakes in mind-altering substances, is much more likely to be unfaithful than someone who's just hanging around at home and going to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 10:20am
'Are you more likely to get drunk at church or at the neighborhood bar? There is liquor in both places.

False analogy- Bars are designed to sell liquor and lots of it. Is it even possible to drink enough wine at church to get a buzz?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 1:23pm
I agree, and let's remember that the OP initially started this relationship as a "fling" partly because she didn't see him as relationship material given his reputation as a wild one with a skirt-chasing reputation. In the five months they've been together he hasn't changed any of his other behaviors that also created his rep (drug use, ogling women, and the desire to attend orgy-like festivals). As Dr Phil says, and I agree, 'Past Behavior is the Best Predictor of Future Behavior'. The continued drug use would have me most concerned. Put a person with his inclinations in an environment like the festival, where he will use drugs that will obliterate his inhibitions, then most likely what she fears most will happen. I think she picked the wrong guy if she wanted a monogamous relationship. JMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:28pm
"Is it even possible to drink enough wine at church to get a buzz?"

----you've obviously never been to Mass with my brother, LOL



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:46pm
I would not trust him as far as I could throw him. I would use three forms of birth control both to prevent STD's he may bring and so that i would not become a single mother.

If you get pregnant by this man you will be awarded the "Most stupid Woman on this Planet" award....