After 20 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
After 20 years
8
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 2:24am
After 20 years of a pretty good marriage, I found out my husband was having an affair. I call it that because he was receiving topless photos of someone he briefly met but kept texting and emailing love notes. When I confronted him he came clean and told me he got carried away with the illusion of being attracted to a much younger woman. She knew he was married and kept on sending him messages. He told me it was a game they both started playing and that he knew it would never come to having sex with her or seeing her in person. I asked him why, since I had the feeling that we were doing well in our marriage and all he said was that he got wound up in this make believe affair because she was attractive and young and made herself available to him. He contacted her and told her that I had found out and not to contact him again. He told her the game was over. It has only been days since I found this out and I am confused as hell as to why my husband did this since he told me himself that it wasn't that he was unhappy or I was neglecting him in any way. I have tried my whole married life to honor him and never give even the slight appearance of being unfaithful. We were a close couple, and had a good friendship before we were even married. I will forgive my husband because he was sincere when I asked questions, and promised me he would never allow anything even close to that to ever take place again. He apologized but that doesn't take away the pain I feel will remain with me forever. I am so willing to repair our relationship, I have always been so in love with him and I have always admired the person he had shown me. But how do I begin?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:49am

First of all your willingness to rebuild the trust is admirable but your husband is the one who broke it and he needs to step up and do his part. What assurance do you really have that it will never happen again? You don't understand why it happened in the first place and neither does he. Without understanding what the driving factor was and dealing with it you can't be sure. There are plenty of people out there who go about their lives thinking their marriage is good only to find out their partner wasn't happy. If he's having a mid-life crisis you need to talk about it. I don't believe for a minute that happily married people engage in this type of emotional affair. Your husband was in fact cheating on you he was sharing himself sexually and emotionally with another woman when he should have been sharing himself with you.

There are books out there on emotional affairs. Trust is everything in a marriage and he cheated on you - don't think it's something you're just supposed to get over. It's going to require a ful commmitment from both of you wo WORK through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:52am

..First and foremost no excuses for what your husband did..That must've caused you deep pain, and multiple questions as (Why me? Why did he do it now?..etc)

20-yr relationship is long enough, and I trust there must be strong bond that it'll sustain this act of stupidity.

Here is how I see it:

- Your husband needed to be reassured that his still looks fine (I presume he is @45)
- This young lady sending him nude pictures may be just a thrill that may've boosted his ego
- His desire was not to sleep but fantasize (sort of a conquest that a young man is attracted to him) to fulfill his inner desire of being "wanted again"

Here is how it could be discussed:

- As since he was honest with his answers you may ask as what fantasies he needs to fulfill, that you could be a part of? (For e.g. You acting like unknown to each other, he picks you at a bar, and then you guys go to "your place")
- Is "Romance" in your marriage taking a backseat, and you two are to comfy in taking each others for granted?
- Any visit to marriage counseling be any likely help?

A older man / Younger woman is more of an immature attempt of an older man to attract younger woman most of the times, yet "He" is an adult, and should bear moral responsibilities.. Let him know that you being there with him over 20-yr relationship, would stand by him even in his "older" days..The young "thing" he chasing after would drop him dead after his first medical situation..

All the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 2:53pm

Welcome to the board hilda_bings,


Even though it wasn't a physical affair, he did have an emotional affair and betrayed you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:53pm

You are in no way to blame for the choice that he made to have an emotional affair. That there were problems in the marriage is an equal burden, most of the time. However, that poor choice was his. Now, the two of you have to deal with the fall out of his choice.

The first step in healing is his ending the affair. This should be done with your full awareness and approval, whether via an email or on the phone.

After that, there must be a No Contact rule in place, and he must provide you with his ID and passwords to ALL of his online accounts. Any inappropriate accounts or accounts he had set up just for the affair should be closed ASAP.

Please, feel free to come over to the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs board. You'll find a lot of support and information there! You can link in via my siggie.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 7:44pm
I appreciate the feedback, and already knew what most of you all stated. Sometimes you just want to voice it out, to get validation about what you're feeling. I hate to be emotional, and most of the time I am about things that are much less important than this. Since all this came out, my husband and I have talked a little everyday. I don't want to be overwhelmed by trying to deal with all the parts of it at once. I just asked for him to be patient with all my questions and comments and he has given me an open door to his personal email, phone records and anything I can think of. We both also agreed that it is his responsibility to do anything he can to fix my broken spirit and heart. He promised.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 8:59pm

>>>We both also agreed that it is his responsibility to do anything he can to fix my broken spirit and heart. He promised.<<<

Unfortunately, I do not agree with this. You are responsible for your own spirit and heart. He has a responsibility to do anything he can to work towards healing your marriage and relationship but not you, personally. KWIM? He can't *make* you feel better. This is something that you will have to make a personal and conscience choice to do when you are ready to. It's very difficult to make that choice, but the day will come, whether your marriage is together or not, when you will have to make a choice to forgive him and move forward. If you are together, you will have to make a choice to trust once again.

Please, feel free to pop over the the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs message board. You can link in via my siggie.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:47am
I know that I need to create the happiness in my life myself, but I'm not sure how to do that. I grew up being told not to do things to upset others. My feelings were never top priority because that was selfish. Maybe I just misunderstood exactly what I was supposed to be doing. But when my family is sad or angry, I always feel like I have to cheer them up and pull them out of it. If they are happy then I am happy. When I am sad, I just have to keep it to myself so I don't bring anybody down with me. That's how I have learned to cope with things that happen to me. I know I need to change it but I don't know how to stop thinking the way I have for so long. It is such a part of me, that doing anything else feel fake, or forced as if I have to pretend to be someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 2:43am

You were taught, as many women are, to be codependent. IV has a board for that, too @ http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcodep

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