after 6 years feeling distant

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
after 6 years feeling distant
2
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 1:20am
My boyfriend and I have been together six years. We've both been divorced (me once and him 3 times). We do not live together by choice. I have two teenage children and he has no children. There is also a 14 year age gap between us.

Things were pretty wonderful for the first couple of years. He was, and still is a very attentive, loving man. Almost too good to be true. Long conversations, common interests, all that wonderful stuff that you see in movies or read about in romance novels was all there. We're also both pretty indepent and respect each others privacy and need for alone time, which is really great.

I feel like something changed. And I can't figure out when. It's like he was one person when I met him, and now he's someone else. I thought when I met him that he wanted me in his life as his partner, the way I wanted him. Neither one of us needed to "take care of" the other, we were both capable of taking care of ourselves. Now that seems different. He's become very needy, requiring more attention than ever. Not easy for me. I'm a single mom, maintaining my own household, raising two teens alone, and working full time. There's not a lot of extra attention to go around. I feel like I'm giving to everyone and it's not enough for any of them.

I dread our conversations anymore because they've gone from respecting and valuing and accepting our differences into he's right and I'm wrong. I feel like he's constantly throwing negatives my way and I spend a lot of time shrugging it off. Then I get mad at myself because I'm probably just being overly defensive. He doesn't do this in a mean way either. He does it in a way that's worded like a suggestion, but resonates of superiority. This drives me nuts! Another huge red flag here is that we never really argue, probably because I choose not to get into one, but rather just let it go. Which probably only adds to the resentment growing in me.

I spend a lot of time avoiding him even when we're together. I find myself getting annoyed by him just being around. I don't think the problem is him as much as it is me. I'm bored. I don't feel crazy in love anymore, and don't know if that's normal or not.

Thanks in advance for any feedback you can give me. I'm sorry that this posting went on so long! This is the first time though that I've been able to put into words what I've been feeling.

j


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:05am
What are you getting our of this relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 6:32pm
That's a great question. I love him and had planned on spending the rest of our lives together. Maybe I've just fallen out of love, is that possible? I just feel like my needs have changed. We used to spend hours together doing whatever, and now I just have so many other things that have to get handled, and he want's things like they used to be. I just feel like I don't have that luxury anymore. I have these responsibilities staring me in the face and him looking at me like "what about me?" So then I feel bad like I'm short changing him. And then I think hey wait a minute, that's not right either. And then I start getting resentful of him and that he's not thinking about what I'm dealing with and only thinking of himself and what he wants. I don't know, I guess I'm just totally confused. I thought I loved him and think I still do, but just don't like the way he's acting. I just don't know anymore.