After 6 years I still can't help him
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After 6 years I still can't help him
| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:17am |
My husband and I have been happily married for 6 1/2 years. We have one son, whom we adopted. Our son is fabulous! My husband has been going through issues with his family based upon when he met my family and saw how we interacted as a family, he realized how unhappy his childhood was and how unhappy his mom is now. She is not a nice person and never has been a nice person to him. She does not like me (which is ok, as I don't care for her as a person either.) I tolerate her because she is my husband's mother and he loves her. He has been to a therapist to help him deal with his family and their lack of care for us and our son. My problem is that just as he seems to be getting better and dealing with his family, they do something that pulls him right back three steps and the entire cycle begins again. Right now we are in the downward slope of the cycle and I am having a hard time dealing with it again. I try to talk to my husband and explain how I see things. He tells me that he understands and does see it, but doesn't know how to get past it. I ask him if he tells his therapist everything and he says sometimes he just doesn't htink of everything. I think he is afraid to tell the therapist everything because he doesn't really want to hear what she has to say. I understand that it may be scary for him because deep down he thinks she will tell him to just let them go. As it is he calls once a month and talks to them and is always in a bad mood after he does. He feels it is his obligation to keep the communication open and I support him, but he is not getting out of his bad moods as quickly as he used to. I try to find out what is bothering him and he tells me he is fine. He says he is having a hard time, but he won't talk to me about it. He tells me he is upset, but not with me, and while I understand that, he doesn't seem to understand that when he is upset I can tell and it hurts me that he thinks he can't talk to me. What can I do? Should I back off and just try to ignore his sad/bad mood? Should I keep pressing on and asking him questions about what is bothering him? I am hurt and can't sleep and need to know what to do. Thanks for any advice you can offer!
Paula Muller
P.S. Sorry about the screen name "onesadone" I started this screen name 5 years ago after going through a horrible miscarriage, and can't figure out how to delete and start a new one.

Have you suggested that maybe he just cut them off? Maybe he's waiting for someone to. However, my ex-husband said how he hated his mother but he always used his obligations as a son for an excuse to practically live right next door to her. So sometimes someone's declarations of their obligations to their family are sincere, and other times they're just an excuse to continue the unhealthy relationships. It sounds like your husband falls into the first category. However, I wonder why he doesn't just cut the ties, as you would support him in it, apparently. My ex-husband wouldn't let me break-off contact while I was married to him.
I wish I had some solid advice to give you, but this is a very complex situation. Sometimes parents fail so miserably, they're not even worthy of the title. If your husband's family/mother is claiming to "have the light" but is living a bad life, he has every right to break contact with her, Biblically, I believe. People aren't parents just because they are biologically. It takes more than that. If his mother is showing no concern, and yet "yanking his chain" regularly to pull him back in, she sounds really, really dysfunctional to me.
Another thing that comes to mind is that he may not know how to deal with the issues that are bothering him if he doesn't have her in his life to trigger those reactions in him. What I mean is he may need an outlet to let off steam about those things from time to time. It doesn't sound like he really wants to let anybody in on them. There's type of treatment that more or less allows someone to neutralize bad feelings about things they may have forgotten about/repressed. Then, once they're not bothering them any more, it's o.k. to bring them into conscious awareness. It's called process healing. It utilizes the principles of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, but it's self diagnostic. Let me tell you, it's changed my life. I've gotten more done in the last few weeks than I had in the past 2 and 1/2 years of therapy. There's a website for it that I can give you if you post wanting it. I just don't have it handy right now.
I would just say that you and your husband have the same rights in this country as every one else does: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If his family is making you both unhappy, I think it's your right not to have to put-up with it until, if you're comfortable with it, you see some genuine repentance on his mother's, etc., parts. True repentance is always specific in nature, not just "I'm sorry IF I might have done something that would have offended someone as sensitive as you are." It is my belief that you can't forgive someone who isn't sorry. What is there to forgive them for? According to them, they didn't do anything wrong. Best wishes!
'it hurts me that he thinks he can't talk to me.'
Have you told him this?
'Should I keep pressing on and asking him questions about what is bothering him?'
Has that worked for you before?
I think it is great that he is in therapy and I agree that the therapist will probably talk to him about disconnecting with them.
Unless he posts here we can't help him. And you can't control what he says to his therapist or his moods or his choice to call his family.
Have you ever tried saying nothing? How long did it last?
Why are you hurt? Does he take it out on you?
hi and hugs.... i think its great that you are being so supportive and i think its wonderful that your husband saw the need and got therapy. these things are not easy. here are some thoughts which might help:
- change, any change, takes time and patience. especially things that have to do with our childhood - its hard to "admit" that our parents are sick, or that our childhood was lousy, etc. you say think he is afraid to tell the therapist everything because he doesn't really want to hear >but i think its more that he is afraid of what HE will say about his mother.
- you and your husband are different people - let him get to where he needs to go at his own pace.
- i personally would tell you to stop asking him things, stop getting into details about HIS therapy. therapy is not easy and its very private, let him keep it that way. its possible that you might join him for sessions here and there. its possible that if you let him heal - he will eventually learn to be less fearful and more open. but you can't rush it.
Thanks for reasurring me that this is hard to deal with. I am feeling pretty upset about now knowing how to deal with all of it.
As for the therapist helping him disconnect with them, she continues to tell him to keep the lines of communication open by his monthly phone calls. However, that he does not have to listen to the negativity and should hang up on them when he doesn't like what they are saying. I agree with the hanging up part, but he won't do that.
I know I can't control him! I am not trying to control him and I support whenever he reaches for the phone to call them. Knowing that after that phone call will be a huge discussion of how bad the call was and trying to help him through his anger and the hurt. That is where I am having the trouble. Each phone call, the anger and trying to help him past it and his hurt feelings.
I have tried to say nothing and it doesn't last.
And no he doesn't do anything to take it out on me. I can see his hurt in his eyes and his whole demeanor. That makes me sad and hurt for him. I have told him this and he then says sorry and tries to close off even more.
I realize therapy is private and respect that. WE have such an open communication in other aspects of our life, it just seems natural that we talk about that too. He comes home from therapy and tells me somethings I know that in that hour that is not all they talked about so I try to get him talk to me. He tells me he can't remember, and I think right, he just doesn't want to tell me. I will have to let that go and if he wants to tell me he can, if not that is fine too. Is it still okay to just ask him how it went?
Also there are some good books on setting boundaries in relationship - have his therapist recommend one.
::He feels it is his obligation to keep the communication open and I support him, but he is not getting out of his bad moods as quickly as he used to. I try to find out what is bothering him and he tells me he is fine. He says he is having a hard time, but he won't talk to me about it. He tells me he is upset, but not with me, and while I understand that, he doesn't seem to understand that when he is upset I can tell and it hurts me that he thinks he can't talk to me. What can I do? Should I back off and just try to ignore his sad/bad mood? Should I keep pressing on and asking him questions about what is bothering him? I am hurt and can't sleep and need to know what to do.
Personally, I think these are all indicators that it's time for you to join him in therapy. Tell him, yeah, this is hard for me too and the problems are affecing the way we relate to each other, do you have an issue with me joining you in therapy to give us helpful ways to communicate better so I can support you through this better?
See what he says.
Carrie