After the affair what to do next

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
After the affair what to do next
6
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 4:16am

I confessed to my H. that I saw someone a few times, we did not have sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 5:20am
Marriage counseling will not help if one of the parties is abusive. Your husband is saying that he wants to go to counseling because he sees you poised to leave him (getting involved with someone else, even platonically), and he wants to keep you around so he'll have someone to belittle, pinch, demoralize, and hurt during sex. I am glad to learn that you're seeing a counselor (does he remind you from time to time that you see the therapist because you're "crazy," by the way?), and I hope you'll post on the Domestic Abuse board (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting) to get support and advice from women who have had and are having the same experiences you are.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 9:04am

The real question is what in the world are you doing staying in the relationship with this abusive man?


You do not have to be punished, although you seem to feel you do. Men like him find any excuse they can to punish. If you are guilty or feel badly about yourself, if you have no sense of self worth, then he can have a field day with you.


I strongly urge you to connect with some support groups for abused women and learn more about this syndrome and what to do. You need not only to build up your own sense of self worth and boundaries, but to learn how to handle this unfortunate situation you are in. Abuse usually escalates. Nothing anyone does deserves this kind of treatment. You need to be supported and guided in ways that are healthy and protective for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 11:25am

Welcome to the board lilly_flower,


Why do you want to stay in a marriage with an abusive man? He will not change. You deserve better. No one deserves to be abused. If you stay with him, he will continue to abuse you.


I think it is a good idea for you to continue to see your therapist. Please seriously think about getting out of this relationship. Do what is best for you.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 11:40am

I agree you need to leave this man because he's abusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 12:39pm

Welcome to the board lilly_flower,


You confessed to an abusive husband and now he has more reasons to abuse you and you feel you deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 7:58pm

"What can I do to regain trust. I think he is still hacking into email accounts. I have changed all the passwords."

You regain trust by leaving and finally making a happy life for yourself, because it's YOU you need to trust - not him. Giving trust to someone who continues to hurt you is hurting yourself. There is nothing about him that you should trust, except that he will hurt you again.

You may not have been a saint by dating someone else... but that doesn't excuse what he's done, and you have to realize that your desire for someone else was the really logical part of your mind telling you to GET OUT because you're not happy.

You do not deserve abuse and life is better than this. Reach out to someone to support you while you take the steps you need to leave. Real love is not harmful or hateful. The sooner you get out of a relationship with someone who doesn't love you, the sooner you'll find one with someone who will. Best of luck to you, please write back!