After he's done with everyone else...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
After he's done with everyone else...
2
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 6:18am

I am a 26-year old single woman engaged to a really wonderful 26-year old man. We are currently living in seperate states due to a job that I took, and while I am not concerned at all about the distance as some might be (ie, worries about cheating or the like), he does one thing that really upsets me. Because we both work in the theatre, we often work strange hours, he moreso later than I. He's not typically out of work until well after 10:30pm; after work, he often spends time with his friends and coworkers until very early in the morning. Because of time zones, it is an hour earlier where I am; when he calls, it is usually late for him (past 12:30 or 1 his time). We will talk, but he often falls asleep when we are on the phone, or will only talk for 15 or 20 minutes before telling me he is exhausted and hanging up.

More often than not, this leaves me incredibly frustrated, I suspect because I feel as though he is throwing his attention - not to mention the hours where he is awake and functioning - to the people he works with on a pretty consistent basis. I am not by any means saying he needs to spend every free, waking moment trying to communicate with me, nor do I want him to sacrifice spending time with his friends or not have fun. However, I can't help but feeling as though I am something he "gets to" at the end of the day once he is finished with everyone else; I suspect he is not falling asleep when he is hanging out with his friends, nor is he merely spending 20 minutes with them before heading home. So why am I getting the short shrift? This often gets me so upset that I am short and a bit snotty to him when we hang up, and I am often sorely tempted to call him back or text messaging him just so I can express my frustrations (I don't, but spend a good hour afterward angry that he didn't bother finding out why I was upset).

I have tried to tell him about the frustrations this specific behavior causes, but I have to be honest - I can't really pinpoint exactly what is it that makes me so upset and angry, and why it makes me much angrier some time than others. I am also getting concerned because he will be moving to start his Ph.D. in September and there will be a three hour time difference in effect - later where he will be. I need to nail down the cause of this and how to handle it - Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 8:08am
What if you talk during the day instead of in the evening? He gets the company of his mates at night and you get to talk to him when he's not falling asleep. Win/Win
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:23pm

Well, to begin with, working in theater is a whole different world a lifestyle as you well know, as you said you are in theater as well. After work, it is natural and even healthy to unwind with those you have been performing with. There is a complete difference in the times one works and especially as you presently live in different time zones, this is all built in to the relationship. It has nothing to do with your being last but with the