after his mother's passing

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
after his mother's passing
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 12:00pm
well i am trying to understand and i am hoping maybe someone can give me some type of advice/thoughts. i have never had anyone very close to me pass on so i do not know truly how that may feel. of course i am sure its very horrible to no end. my ex boyfriend broke up with me when his mother passed on and now four months later he is back in my life, after not hearing from him since march, hes stating he wants to be friends but take it slow and possibly build up to being back together but he dont want to give me any false hope either he mentioned and he wants me to still meet guys and be happy. im not sure exactly what taking it slow friendship means lol i have an idea but he has his own idea and last night it seemed as though our definitions of taking a friendship slow is different then one another. to me i feel wed be close friends since all we been threw together. we went out for two years and were pre-engaged had a wedding date n everything. but to him i feel taking friendship slow is as if we just meet one another and weather something good or bad happens to us its as if we dont say anything till we meet up again. idk thats just weird to me n all lol im hoping someone can help me with trying to understand more of the no emotion feeling part that he is going threw. because he is not the person i once knew. he seems to have some type of shield against his heart and he isnt as sensitive and emotional caring thoughtful and etc as he once was. in march he did tell me he feels nothing for anything anymore and although when i saw him a week ago he seemed a lot stronger then the last time i saw him, i still see/feel and hear that hes still emotionless towards anything for that matter though. my mom mentioned to me maybe talking to the church seeing if i can understand what hes going threw in that way. hes actually going on a 2,000 mile bike ride by himself and he only wants contact by 3 people during it and thats his main family members. and it kills me cause of course ill be and am worried to no end and id want to make sure hes okay and of course id want to know when he got there and then when he got back home too things like that. but he wants no contact with anyone except his main three people and it kills me. hell be gone all of august. well i truly do hope someone can be caring and sensitive enough to reply to me. thanks. in cause anyone asks our ages are both 28 thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 12:55pm

I would probably tell him Thanks but no Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 5:15pm
I find it to be odd that rather than go to you for strength and support during such a hard time in his life, he broke things off.

People cope with tragedy differently, but part of me feels that if you two were really right for each other, he wouldn't have disapeared from your life like that.

And he especially wouldn't have come back wanting to "take it slow" and "build a friendship" after you had been "pre-engaged" (whatever that means).

Izzy is right. You've been through too much with him, gone too far to turn back and just be friends. He isn't even telling you what he wants out of that friendship. I don't think he's sure of anything right now, and that's not something you want to let into your life.

You were ready for that committment, weren't you? Enough to plan a date for a wedding. But he didn't feel like he could seek comfort from you, which is strange because he was sort-of engaged to you, and is that not part of being married to someone? Trusting them enough to let them in and see you when you're down and to share with them not only good times but bad, and to build closeness during difficult times?

Instead he shut you out. He called off the wedding. Maybe when he was dealing with the tragedy of his mother's death, he realized, or was forced to see what he already knew - that he wasn't so sure about your relationship, about his feelings for you, about his committment to spending a life with you? Maybe it was a cold, hard dose of reality that showed him that he just wasn't ready.

And now that he's moving passed the grieving of his mom, he is trying to slowly venture back into the world, and try to figure out if you really do belong in his life.

I don't know all of this for sure - only he really knows, and he could be so confused he can't put it into words for you. He could very well come around and try to rebuild what he had with you. But right now he can't even committ to the possibility.

The question you must ask yourself now is - do you have the patience to wait this out? And - is it in your best interest to do so? Or, would it be healthier for you to start the process of moving on, so you can find someone who trusts you to be there for them, who you can trust to stick around even when things are hard, who will be sure of their feelings towards you and will stick to their committments (because they mean them!).

Only you know what is in your power to do. If you can't walk away from him without giving him a chance - that is your choice and I hope it works out for the best. But it's pretty telling that he requested you still see other people. Not only does it give him room to do the same, but if he decides that this relationship isn't going to go anywhere, he won't feel as guilty and you won't cling to him as much, because he won't be the only guy in your life.

Sounds like a win-win for him. But your loyalties need to be to yourself first and foremost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 9:20pm

Hugs, Calladie,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 12:05am

I disagree with the previous poster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 10:26am

There is no reason for you two to be friends, right now, or ever.

He doesn't want to give you "false hope" but how does he expect you to have NO expectations of a "friendship" that he thinks might turn into something more? Surely he doesn't think you're stupid enough to get involved with him again just to get your heart broken again?

He is fooling himself if he thinks that "let's be friends for now and see what happens later" is a realistic expectation. Life doesn't work that way - Ever. I agree, Thanks but no thanks. "I'm sorry about your mother but if you aren't sure that you want to be with me, then you can't be in my life at all."