Age difference

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Age difference
12
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:51am
Is it at any way possible for a 16 year old and a 22 year old to start a relationship? My friend is 16 and turning 17 very soon. However, the guy she is "seeing" is turning 23. At the age of 23, what is a guy looking for in a relatioship? At what age do men start thinking of settling down and considering marriage?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:09am
It IS possible. When I was 16, my bf told me he was 23. I didn't find out for a while that he was actually 27. In our defence, the girl that put us together thought he was 23 and thought I was 18. We lasted just over three years. We had a good relationship.

Having said that, I WOULD NOT recommend it. I grew up, I changed, and we grew apart and that's what broke us up. I also missed a lot of the normal teenage things and find it hard to relate now to some things that other people view as 'normal'. I just didn't experience them. I was doing adult things and living an adult life when everyone else my age was doing teenage things.

I wouldn't say outright not to do it, because I'd be a hypocrite. But she has to consider that with the age difference comes things that he can do that she can't, places he can go that she can't. Things like that build resentment and frustration over time.

You have to have two pretty strong people who are confident in themselves and in the relationship and who know what they want, to be able to make it work.

Been there, done that, don't recommend it....but it's not impossible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:25am
I would say in general age shouldn't matter and for a lot of relationships it doesn't as my parents are seven years apart. However, the ages of 17 and 23 are two critical ages as far as growing as a person is concerned. I just had a relationship that ended not too long ago, refer to my post on august 5th or around there for details, and my gf at the time i met her was very mature and seemed to want what i wanted in a relationship and we had a great 2 and a half month relationship in which she acted and treated the relationship better than any relationship I had had before. However, after we came back from vacation she changed and wanted space which was fine, but did not properly communicate with me why she changed or wanted all this space. We even hung out for two great days within this time she was acting different and then abrubtly broke off the relationship saying that she needed time to sort things out in her life. It hurt, but there was nothing else I could do if she was gonna take herself out of the relationship like that. However, I have tried to keep in touch with her a little bit and she seems to not want to have any form of communication with me right now even though the relationship ended on relatively good terms. I have even heard about and seen her hanging out now with an ex bf who cheated on her for a whole year before they broke up. I really dont know what to think from that and after thinking about the whole situation maybe she does not even know what shes doing or why shes doing it. I also think that she may have thought she wanted a good and stable relationship, but then became overwhelming to her and much more than she thought it would be or was used to from what I have heard of her highschool relationships. My point is that she is at an age where she just graduated from highschool and may not completely know what she wants and act more on her spontanaety of what she wants which is typical for teenagers at any age. Even though I have no one else to blame for what happened to our relationship, she may not even be to blame because she is immature and doesn't know how to explain her actions or the way she handles things. I am not saying a 17 yr old and a 23 yr old should not date because I also believe that you should not let go of something good if you have IT, but definately proceed with caution so you dont end of as hurt and confused as I have been this past month.

M/M
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:56pm
I've known quite a few guys in their 20s who went out with high school-aged girls. None of these guys was exactly a catch. They were pretty much all losers who couldn't find women their age to date, so they went for younger girls. It's easier to impress a high school girl because a lot of girls that age are impressed with any reasonably goodlooking man with a car and $20 in his pocket. It generally takes a lot more to impress a woman in her 20s.

So I would seriously caution your friend about seeing this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 6:43pm
I totally agree with lucy4980, the way I see it is that a 23 trying to date a 16-17 year old is probly after one thing, but I can't say for sure this guy might actually see some thing more with your friend. but as a guy I'd say there's a pretty good chance he just wants in her pants. and be very carefull about how you talk to your friend about this guy, one of my female friends was in a simular situation and she stoped talking to me when I tryed to warn her about him, then about a year later I seen her at a party she grabed my arm pulled me outside and started crying telling me I was right and he broke up with her when she told him she wasn't going to have sex with him any time soon to this day if I even any doubts about some one she's seeing she takes a step back seriously think about what I have to say, but I'm only human and I too make my fair share of mistakes. but if you ever see your friend around this guy pay attention to where HE is looking weather it's at her or every other girl thats around. thats useually a pretty good sign. I guess just tell your friend to be carefull and make him wait, if he does and doesn't have a probleme with it, I wish them the best of luck, if not at least she'll have no regrets.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 6:49pm
Isn't it illegal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:10pm
You can't use the excuse that your parents are 7 years apart, etc. They are most likely older than 16 and 23 right now. That would mean that they are adults and can make mature decisions.

At 16, she's a minor, and probably not very mature, as far as relationships go. At 23, the gentleman is not a minor, yet is probably not very mature in relationships if he wants a 16-year old. In most states, this is generally frowned upon, in terms of legality. If they were to have sex, it would be considered "statutory rape" and is punishable by jail time, should her parents have anything to say about it. When she is 17, it may be considered "the age of consent." Then it would be more legal.

When I was 17, my boyfriend was 22. That extra year may be just what she needs. Yet nothing you say to may change her mind. Just don't be too judgemental, and look out for her, even if it causes you both a lot of grief.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:37pm
It's not illegal for an adult to date a minor, but it is illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor. When the minor is 16 or 17, this stuff rarely gets prosecuted though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: britney111
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:50pm
what do you mean by "age of consent" when you refered to her being 17?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: britney111
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 2:28am
I too wonder about that comment:

When she is 17, it may be considered "the age of consent." Then it would be more legal.

But I do know the age of consent varies by state/country - I've heard Hawaii's age of consent is 14, the same as Australia's.

To the OP, I worked with a woman whose 16 yr old daughter meet a guy that was 20 (so he said) later it turned out he was almost 23, but he was willing to do anything to see her, so he followed her parents rules - came over twice a week, once for family movie night, once on the weekends (afternoon bbq's) so the whole family could get to know him and so they wouldn't be alone. Now, years later, they are married and have a child.

No one knows his true intentions and the young girl may be flattered by an older 'man's' attention.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: britney111
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 5:42am
Yikes! It's 14 in HI??? Over here in Australia it's 16 for girls and 18 for boys...at least it was when I was that age...it may have changed (higher), but it's definitely not 14.

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