Age Difference - Will it Ever Work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Age Difference - Will it Ever Work?
7
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 3:31am

Dear iVillage Users,

I am 22. He is 42. Yes, it is an extreme age difference. I have been broken up with my last boyfriend for almost a year (unhealthy relationship). my ex bf is 27 years old now. After I broke up with the ex bf, I changed my life around. I sky-rocketed my grades and saved myself from getting kicked out of college. The relationship with my ex bf was very hurtful that I did poorly in school. Not that it was his fault, b/c I was responsible for the choices I make (choosing to be with him, choosing to feel jealous, choosing to ditch class over being sad over him)

I am now close to getting a double major degree, and am almost settle in my career path. I have lots of good friend and my mom believes in me a lot. So much has changed ever since I broke up with the ex bf (27 year old).

So here is my point: The man I am dating now is 42 years old and I am 22. Yes, do the math and that will make it 20 years difference. He is great, and fun to be with, and treats me like an adult, and I love talking to him, and spending time with him. I am very much attracted to him and I adore him like crazy.

He had told me how much he likes me too. He has always tried to be there for me when I needed someone to talk to. But not in a co-dependent way. He gives me brief, sincere reassurance when I need someone to talk to and that is all I need. He is as busy as I am. He works 2 jobs and had a Ph.D.

So much had changed ever since I broke up with my ex bf...i know I say that too much. But I am soo bless for how I have established myself that I would never give anything to go back.

So what is my problem? The man I am dating...he said that he likes me a lot, once used the "love" word, he is looking for someone to settle down with, and have kids with within the next couple of years.

To me, it means more to me to establish myself in this world than to marry and pop out babies ASAP. I have yet to get a Ph.D. too. As much as I am head over heals in love, I will never believe in living life for anyone but myself and take a direction in life that is not mine.

42 year old made it seemed like he likes, and adores me a lot. he makes a lot of time for me given that we are both so busy...but made it seem like he would like to keep dating me, but there can be no future for us, b/c he is older and doesn't have time to wait for me to do all the things I want to do before I want to settle.

So, me knowing that I didn't want to settle for a temporary...I asked him, "okay...so I like you a lot, and while we both will have a good time, you will have a good time and be wasting your time on the wrong woman, b/c I can't give you what you want, b/c I am too young to care about settling...so when is the cut off point for us, so you won't waste your time? b/c I am not a selfish person as much as I want to be with you..."

He took forever to answer me. he told me that he is happy to be there for me friends or more...but my ques was WHEN IS THE CUT OFF POINT FOR US? He never answered that!!!

Not only did I grow confidence after ex bf, I have a lot of pride, I have always had! If someone doesn't want me, I wouldn't waste my time, b/c I am capable of better.

So we are still dating, having a good time pretending that the ques I asked "WHEN IS THE CUT OFF POINT FOR US?" was never asked. He would refer to me as his gf, and I would just look at him puzzled and brush it off.

Here are my ques:
a) Given that I am so genuinely in love with him, and I am a strong person now (I have so much going for me, that I am not going to be heartbroken in an unhealthy way if it doesn't work out), should I stick around and make him want to be with me? (not in a desperate way, but in an honest way)

b) Should I let go of my pride (believing that I am so invincible that nothing and nobody can ever hurt me) and take my chances?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 8:36am

I dont understand the reference of ex being mentioned more than your present guy!

After what you told him,he said " he is happy to be there for me friends or more..." he is only taking you as friends.no where does that say he wants to settle down 'with you'.he said "he is looking for someone to settle down with, and have kids with within the next couple of years."

he didnt answer your "WHEN IS THE CUT OFF POINT FOR US? " as for him its not 'us'. you are reading too much into it, IMO.

As for your questions,they are valid,but dont have any significance in regards to this man as he doesnt want anything except friendship with you.Still, 'pride' is never good in any relation.When you are in love,keep pride at home!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 12:33pm

thank you for your response. the ex was mentioned more b/c I was trying to juxtapose how much my life is better comparing ex to new older guy. Me personally, I feel better about myself...not that the new guy had anything to do with it. I make myself happy...a good guy (the one I am with) would just further that.

thank you for pointing out the pride thing being bad. I will leave it at home when I go see him.

Either way, I am a strong person...I won't be hurt too much, and not hit rcck bottom like some girls. I have way too much going for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 5:53pm


I think that you should follow your heart. If you are afraid of being hurt, than how will you ever find love or ever learn to take chances with love. My husband is 18 years my senior and I love the fact that he has a little more life experience than I have. When I met my husband I was only 19 and now I am 23. I completed my degree and we also have a 22 month old daughter. I was afraid in the beginning because I felt as though I had nothing to offer him, but he taught me that the only thing I need to give him is unconditional love and honesty. I think that if he loves you and you love him than go for it. You seem to have your life in order and therefore you are stable enough to be in a relationship with someone. Let me remind you that he will not wait forever and if you talk to him today, let him know how you feel. I cannot promise you that you may live a happy life together and that you may never be hurt, but I can promise you that time does heal all wounds. Maybe he is Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, and if you don't pursue him, than you will not know. Let go of that pride and put your energy into loving him.

I hope you find what you are looking for!

SexyinRed

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 6:18pm

thank you SexyInRed...I like your response a little more. I am 22 almost 23 and to take in what you told me about yourself...get married and have a baby at age 23-25ish is too much to ask for.

I want to applaude you on becoming a mother so young, and your 22 month daughter. Having a baby for me is hard, b/c of my health condition...I may never have one, and my mother was cheated on by my father after I was born...

Subconsciously, my mind is programed to believe that all men cheat on their wifes when they get pregnant, have mood swings, and loose their shape.

Subconsciously, I think that if I never had a child with a man, I will be secure. I will have nothing invested, and if anything fails, I will walk out a free woman.

I am in therapy now...have been for 8 years.

I am sorry for being so negative. I wish I can have what you have at like age 27ish. (a husband and baby) I think emotionally I am still wounded from what happened to my mother.

thank you for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 6:22pm
Your life goals may be in conflict. You say you want to establish yourself in the world but trying to make someone want you is the opposite of what you previously said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 6:38pm

you are so right! I want to do all these things, and accomplish all these goals before I settle down. That means more to me than anything in this world, and marriage and babies is on the bottom of my list.

So if this guy is just being discrete to keep me around, just so he can have a temporary until he meets his match, then, ummmmm forget it!!!

But the things is that I don't want to break it off completely, b/c until I am ready for a real relationship, I need a temporary too =(

but look at me now...I am attached in a doomed to end relationship...not healthy, huh?

I so want to call it off. I will tell him to stop referring to me as his gf, b/c there is no need to do that to be courteous. I will tell him...that I will only come visit him at my last resort, if I am really that bored and lonely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 1:39pm

Welcome to the board invincible_angel,


Sounds like the two of you are on different pages with goals and expectations.


Sounds like you are both using each other. If you are both ok with a temporary relationship or using each other to get your needs met then