Alcoholic Boyfriend :o(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Alcoholic Boyfriend :o(
18
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 3:21pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 yrs, and up until April of this year, he was a major pot smoker. He finally quit, but now, he has turned to alcohol. It has such an effect on me because he is extra moody now. The pot was one thing, him being happy and stuff. But the alcohol, I never know what side of him is going to come out. It's killing me to see this happening to him, and I know I can't do anything and that it's all up to him to change. But I can't help to retain some kind of hope that there IS something that I can do. He has given up all his friends because they are all stoners. Now, he hangs out with his loser neighbor who has no job, lives with his mom still and I swear I've never seen the guy drink anything but beer. I used to get mad at him when he would hang out with the neighbor, but I realize now that he's really the only guy that he ever hangs out with. So I'm stuck. He's not the sweet guy that he used to be before he started drinking heavily. All he ever wants to do it drink, and it takes such a toll on me, because I turn around and think to myself that it's my fault. I accuse myself of not being 'enough' for him not to need that crap. His addiction is making me so depressed. I just wish there was something I could do or say to him to change it all.....


Help me please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 3:59pm

Welcome to the board nichole86,


Believe me when I say this (I am the child of two addict parents-one drugs and the other drugs and alcohol) this is not your fault and there isn't really anything you can do to help him. He is an addict because of something inside himself and only he can work on overcoming that. The only thing that might help him is leaving him because if he realizes that he could lose you to this

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 4:03pm

Nichole, can I remind you that you're not stuck?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 4:37pm

'So I'm stuck.'


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 5:02pm
I guess I shouldn't have used the word "stuck." I wasn't implying that I am stuck in this relationship, yes I know I can leave. But I'm not going to, and if you are thinking about replying with telling me that he is not going to change and blah and just leave, please don't even bother responding. All I am looking for is advice, not for someone to say to just hit the road like it's so easy.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 5:18pm

You can't change him, as you say yourself, he has to want to get out of the hole he is digging for himself. Alcoholism is an illness and serious addiction. It takes a lot of committment, community and help to pull through it. You can, however, change yourself. You need to realize that you idea that it's your fault is not true, it is symptomatic of your own problems of low self esteem and excessive sense of responsibility. If you stay in this situation you will get pulled down with him. Unless he is willing to get the help he needs, you must seriously ask yourself what you are doing staying here. Sometimes there is the grandiose feeling not only that we are responsible, but that we can somehow "save" the other person. Get yourself some good, solid counseling so you can unravel your own confusion and make choices that are healthy for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 6:49pm

You're not here for advice. You're here for someone to give you the answer you want - how to fix a relationship with a person who is broken - and I'm sorry, you can't. Unless you get a grip and start seeing this situation for what it is then yes, you really are 'stuck'.

It's NOT easy to just hit the road. We're not taking your situation lightly nor are we suggesting that it's easy. But a lot of us have been there, and we're responding to you because we know what the hell we're talking about. We're not here to play around for fun, we want to see REAL PEOPLE make GOOD DECISIONS for themselves.

If you're going to continue skirting around the fact that you CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING... Then yes. You're right. Responding to you is useless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 7:43pm

Maybe you should re-read what I said in the beginning and get your facts straight.


"I know I can't do anything and that it's all up to him to change."


YES, I KNOW THIS. I am glad you know all the answers and who I am "You're not here for advice. You're here for someone to give you the answer you want" You may want to think about a career as a psychic...?


Maybe you are bitter about something, who knows, but people (atleast not me)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 7:57pm

Well, as an alcoholic with 13 years of sobriety who used to be in a serious relationship with an active

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 8:01pm
Nichole, peace. Eggbert is trying to help you. There IS no constructive advice a conscientious person can offer to a woman with an addicted boyfriend other than "protect yourself." What direction should our advice take that you feel would be helpful to you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 8:11pm

I'm pointing out that you know what the answer is, but you don't want to see it. If you really know that you can't change him... Then what advice do you *really* want? That's all there is. There aren't any other solutions that will help you. Nothing is going to fix your relationship.

If I sound harsh, it's because "aww sweetie don't worry it will get better" is not something that sounds like it would get you to accept the situation for what it is. Right now you know the solution to your problem but you're in denial. As soon as that wears off... And it may take a long time, or something really bad to happen, for it to really get into your head... THEN you will start to understand what you need to do.

Don't martyr yourself for him. His choices are his own.

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