all he does is complain..help!
Find a Conversation
all he does is complain..help!
| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 3:05pm |
i've been with my bf for over 15 months, we're good friends, we have very little problems, but the one thing that bothers me, is the fact that all he can talk to me about is the problems he's having at home. i don't maind listening to him, but this has been going on everyday since we've been together. i give him advice, he wants my opinions yet he says that he just wants me to listen. i can't do anything to help him, only he can but all he does is complain. what should i tell him. i hate arguing wiht him everyday over the fact that he wants to hear my opinion yet he doesn't really care. if i sit and listen to him and say nothing he wants to know why, and when i say somehting he's upset with me. i don't know what to do and i'm getting sick of him. he's not being abused or anything of the sort, he just doesn't get along with his sister. i'm feeling like i don't want to deal with him or his problems anymore b/c it seems like he doesn't wnat my help. it's as if he just wants me as his friend if he just needs someone to listen to him complain and i don't feel like i should be the one. what would u do?

Basically, the situation existed prior to meeting you - it hasn't changed since he's met you - and it won't change because he's with you. It's the same situation...because he's the same person.
What he wants is someone to tell him how unfair the situation is that he's not being prioritized or getting his way......and what you're likely doing is tell him "waht to do in order to change the situation".
He doesn't WANT to change the situation...if he did - he'd figure out what would work for him to do that is within his values and standards. What he wants is "sympathy and empathy, benefits and comfort" because the situation exists. That is all he wants from you...how unfair it is, how wrong they are, etc. etc. etc.
If you'd sit down honestly with yourself...you'd probably be saying "this situation exists because you do A-H all the time, and because you refuse to do anything different." That'd be you - talking to/about him - if he were there. You know that the situation exists because he perpetuates it....that's why you can't be sympathetic.
You want him to "do something ot change the situation" - you keep telling him what options he's got...he keeps telling you that you're not being supportive and loving, so you clam up figuring 'If you're not going to take my suggestions, I'll save my breath."
He DOES want you to shut up with suggestions that require him to do something different than he's already doing...he DOES also want you to speak up without his prodding and wax eloquently on how unfair this is to him, how wrong the situation is, how you wish you could fix it but given that you can't - your job is to comfort and soothe him in the present time.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
he wants to change the situation therefore when he asks me what he should do to change it i tell him what i think, and he tells me what he wants to do, and i for w/e HE wants but he's making it my decision by asking me and when i disagree with something he doens't know what to do, and when i agree he gets mad b/c he thinks that i don't care. everything i say to him is b/c he asks me first. i don't just give my opinion any ole' time. eveytime he's upset he calls me to talk and i don't mind at all, but he always makes it out as though i'm supposed to do something for him, he doesn't want my sympathy, he doesn't wnat my opinion even though he asks. i know he needs for me to comfort him and soothe his every need and i do that ALL of the time, but still i come off as though i don't care about him when he's mad. i'm tired of him calling me back after every argument and saying that he's sorry for treating me the way he does. he knows he's wrong b/c i do everything that u say and still i'm the bad one. do u understand?
Basically - he has a situation that exists, that he does not have the option to change without disassociating from the people involved in order to cease negative impact on him. He can't cease affiliation - or else he'd lose some sort of option or benefit in his life. And he's angry that he can't get what it is he wants that he gets from them -without them involving themselves in his life.
In short, he'd like them to leave a check and leave him alone. Again, example doesn't serve well without you being just a litlte more situation specific.
He calls you and talks about the individual details of the situation as it is right now....and you sympathize, give addvice...he then springs back wtih why your advice isn't appropriate in the situation as it is now....because situations' don't remain the same, he can't change the people that he's being impacted by - and he refuses to disassociate due to loss of benefit to him.
Once you haven't "fixed his problem", and once's he's unloaded on you because he can't change the people he's dealing with, and he can't utilize your suggestions because that means ceasing to affiliate and thus losing benefits....he then calls, apologizes for treating you so poorly, says that you should forgive him based on the situation that he can't change and won't step back from....and you have up to now it sounds like been taking these "I'm sorry's" to mean "I was wrong to treat you this way and won't again".
But, of course he does....and now you're sick and tired of hearing him complain about a problem he can't fix becausehe won't disassociate. Everything you say to him about his problem as to a solution involves him "doing something he doesn't want to do"....and you're sick of being told "I was sorry to scream at you" - because you havei t figured out that he is very sorry he screamed at you but he's going to do it again because he's immature, and lacking in boundaries and self-responsibility.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You now want a partner in life to share things equally -a nd he wants a mommy to fix his poblems.
You can disassociate - but that is all you can do.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com