all I can do is cry I am so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
all I can do is cry I am so confused
2
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 12:51pm
Hi all- I am new

My H and I have been together since I was 15- I am 22 now, we had 2 kids and married very early. He has cheated on me numerous times before we were married, but at the time I was pregnant and VERY immature (bad combination) and thought he would change.

Last Decmeber he went to a strip club and I got oral sex from a slut there. I left him for 6 months, but for many reasons I deceided to try to forgive him and try one more time. I love him so much it makes me sick how many times he has hurt me.

Lately things have been okay- I still do not trust him and he said when we got back together he would do anything to earn my trust back, whatever it took to get me home. Just a few days ago I caught him online looking at personals from escorts in Seattle -our city. He said he just was looking and it is not a big deal- same with porn I am 100% against it and he was looking at that after he promised me he would not. I told him how this ruins my faith and trust in him, and he is always on the defensive. I grew up Catholic and a relationship with God is very important to me and something I thought his parents did a ver y bad job teaching and exposing to him. Lately we have started going to this little church he really likes, and became part of a small group there.

A few weeks ago, he told me ahead of time he was going to do go to his friends house while his wife was away to hang out with him- which was 2 nights ago. That was fine with me but instead when Friday night rolled around he said they were going OUT, which meant a bar or something, and that always makes me nervouse because I dont trust him. I argued some but he went out. THen last night he comes up and tells me NOW he is going to his friends house, and admits they will probably go from there to drink and he is getting all dressed up like he doesnt even do when he and I go out, so obviously they arent just hanging out at his friends house. I freak out because about a month ago- I told him I was going out with my sisters, and when I was leaving he acted like I never told him that or he didnt hear me and told me not to go. I was pissed and we argued until he told me to take my ring off, and he threw it in the kitchen (and we couldnt find it for a few days.) So of couse I didnt go out that night.

So when he tried to go out again last night, I was hurt that he didnt want to see me 2 nights in a row, that his friend all the sudden in sooooo important to him and Im not, and I dont trust him so I felt like I was going to have a heart attack when he doesnt tell me ahead of th=ime that he is going out. I was crying and so hurt about his attitude towards me, that he was like "Im going out either way, I told you about this a long time ago" and I was so mad because he said he would go to his friends house 1 night, not go OUT 2 nights in a row. That is not normal in our relationship to go out 2 nights in a row. He left to go out and then 5 min later decided to come back be wont talk to me. He says he is not going to let my temper tantrums bring him down and stop him from doing positive things. That hurts me so much, that he doesnt care how hurt I am, and calls me crying and hurting a "temper tantrum".

So now it is the next morning and he isnt talking to me, he woke up early and watched the small group tape we were supposed to watch together and didnt tell me he was, which doesnt sound big, but it hurts me so much, now I cant go to the small group thing this morning because I didnt watch the tape and he did that on purpose, and it is such burn because it is something so special we were excited to do together.

So I didnt go to the group or church and he left and took the kids (very unlike him to handle them both but they have sunday school) and ifeel so sick- I dont know what I should do , I am so angry that after all his promises he told me to get me back when I left are not important to him now, and he is mad at ME about last night, but when the roles are reversed he would be telling me we are over- I know I didnt act any worse that he would have- his temper has been worse lately...Can alyone tell me how I was wrong last night? I don t see it or understnad how it was ME that was wrong..

PLease any advice, I know he sounds like a toal dog but when things arent this bad they are great- I love him so much and want this to work, but I feel sick that he acts like he wants to end it because of MY attitude last night, and I stayed with him through all the of bad sh$# he has done, I dont want a divorce but if he is willing to give up so easily and do so much damage to our marriage over one stupid night going out with his friend- it makes me scared and want a back up plan- please help- thank you

Part of me just wants to focus on myself- improving myself and gettin g things done- but I am hurting so much I just want to lay on the floor and cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 1:23pm
You married a man that cheated on you before marriage, betrayed you after marriage, a man that doesn't have the same values or morals, or interests that you do, period. Basic incompatibility. He doesn't respect you, admire you, nor is he honest or considerate towards you. He's not grown up enough to be married and be responsible in a marriage.

And he lies:

that he was like "Im going out either way, I told you about this a long time ago"?

What do you admire, respect and like about him?

:Part of me just wants to focus on myself- improving myself and gettin g things done- but I am hurting so much I just want to lay on the floor and cry

I'd be depressed too. Way back when, as a condition of winning your trust back, you should have insisted on marriage counseling. Now, I recommend you go, with or without him so that you can deal with your emotions and depression, sort out yourself so you can focus on you and what you want, and make a game plan to make it happen. RYou have anger and resentment building some of it is directed at him and some of it you've internalized and directing it towards yourself. Happiness comes from within you, not from another person, place or thing. While it would help if he was more respectful, kind and loving, I think even if he changed overnight and stayed that way, I don't think you would be completely happy with the marriage. You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. Start with the Church counselor.

Reading material to consider:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

The books on saving a relationship won't help unless he's willing to put in the effort.

Sorry you have to go through this. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 1:42pm
hugs honey.... sorry for your pain, i agree with itwinflame - get yourself to counseling - with or without your husband.