all this in six days?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
all this in six days?
14
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:45pm
I need some advice rather quickly, if you wouldn't mind it

Let me start off by saying that I DO NOT(up to 21 days ago, at least) come from a broken family. I am 18 years old and yes, anyone who bothers to answer me will say you're too young, shut up and go curl your hair, this is grown up adult conversational beeswax. My mom and dad were married, up until the finalization of their divorce 21 days ago, 21 years. Lots of fam vacations, dad waking everyone up at 7 am cooking meals and clashing dishes around, every meal is eaten together and not until dad is home from work. I came from, what I thought was, a perfect fam.

ANYWHO. My dad moved into a house very near where my bro (16) and I live. We went over there quite often, let me say, only when we have time. The MOST RECENT stay-over we had with our dad was last Saturday, Dec. 6. We spent all night, woke up Sunday, went to IHOP, dad took me to buy motor oil, washed my car. We left Sunday so my bro could do his homework, we could wrap X-mas gifts, and other crap. We did not see my dad for six days, until Dec. 12 (dad went on afternooons, leaves for work at 2 pm, school gets out at 3, work gets over at 4, so no time to see him at this time)Six days. We went over there Friday to find that my dad had taken in a woman and her illigitimate kids.

I don't know what anyone is going to say to me. All I know is we went over there with meat to cook for him and Christmas gifts after not seeing him for six days to find he has taken a woman in. Her things are in the front bedroom of his new house, the bedroom he has been telling us for months he would fix up for us. His kids. Her kids' pictures are tacked up on the fridge. She's wearing his clothes. It was such a punch in the face.

I do not come from a home where there were loud arguments. Every night dad would pop popcorn and we would sit around watching Everybody loves Raymond. We are good kids. I graduated top 10 in my class, and my brother is in band and a good student also. Even though we are teenagers, we always couldn't wait until dad got home from work. This is so difficult because we love our dad, and in the matter of six days, due to conflicting schedules, we find he has turned everything upside down and put us aside. He is purchasing things for her illigitimate kids (she also has a grandson, might I add, by a low-life teenage daughter). This is our dad. And now I feel like I don't know him. After I learned of the divorce he told me HIMSELF he is easily manipulated, and how he thought my mother is manipulating. I feel like asking him, don't you feel you're being manipulated by this woman?

The day we went over and discovered her there, (the back door was open and his truck was gone, he answered and said she had taken it) he left with her, saying they were going to pick something up. My bro and I got left in the house for hours.

i feel rejected. completely tossed aside. you're going to say i'm jealous, and that's my problem with this. yeah, i am. it's difficult trying to talk to your dad and he's on the floor romping with this woman's stupid kid and he's got the baby on his lap. rejection.

The thing is this: he put this on us so close to x-mas. I would LIKE to have x-mas with my father, and not his new gf. I DO NOT want her there when he opens our presents. I am almost considering taking everything back. We are going over there tomorrow. I feel like asking my father, it's us or them, dad, but I don't know if I should. It was six days. I know there may come the time he remarries, but I would like him to put HIS children first, not his girlfriend's.

i know someone will scold me but i want to know if i am wrong or not.

Pages

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:17am
Dear EMS,

I think you are valid in your feelings toward your Dad of just doing this thing so quickly. He does sound like he might be afraid to be on his own- as many men are that get divorced from long marriages. But you and your brother do need to get alone with him and talk to him in a calm manner. Ask the questions without prejudging and criticizing the new woman and her family. It will be so very hard, but you'll have to do it becasue he may become defensive if you cut her down. Also try to keep the sarcasm out of your tone of voice also.

I understand how hurt you are from your parent's divorce and I really feel for you. I am going through a divorce right now from a 25 year marriage that will be final Monday Dec 22nd, and I also have 2 older children - 20 and 24. I don't think it's any easier on children even when they are older. We also had the family vacations and everything but grew apart over the years and he started to cheat on me.

I don't know the situation with your parent's split, but a split is hard enough without it happening right around the holidays, when all you hear on the radio is, "It's the most wonderful time of the year..." Yeah right - not for everyone! But hey, you have to deal with it. Doesn't being an adult suck!

But anyway, there could be reasons why your Dad has her living there - find out what thye are before you judge him. Granted, the way in which he moved them in was rather sneaky, but I'm sure he was at a loss of how to do this also. I do feel bad for your mom though as I'm sure this will really hurt her at how quickly he moved them in. So make sure to be there for your Mom also as she will probably need you this holiday also. But maybe on the other hand your Mom is very happy now...

I wish there was a way I could make our divorce easier for our kids, but I can't - just as I can't make this any easier for you - sorry. I do understand your pain and hope that you can calmly discuss this with your dad. Someone suggested a lunch date with your dad alone - I think this is a great idea and she shouldn't object to that too much.

I wish you much luck over the next couple of weeks as everyone adjusts to the change in the family patterns. But remember your Dad is still your Dad no matter who he is with and loves you the same as he has in the past.

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 10:40am
It's not wrong to be thinking the way that you are. I've once been through the same situation. Actually, your father should've sat down and talked to his kids and asked you and your brother how you felt about it. And if it bothered you, to maybe see her on the side until you and your brother were comfortable with it, not all of the sudden have another woman so close to the holidays. I've been there. I sat down and talked to my father and told him how I felt about it, I told him that at least just for this year that I'd like to spend the holiday with just him because it would be the only holiday me and my little sister would get to spend alone with him, not with some stranger. I did this very politely, and told him how we felt about it. Divorce is hard and emotional to go through for the kids too. Sit down and tell him how you feel about it and I'm sure he'll understand. That Christmas we spent alone with my father, and met his girlfriend later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 11:52am
A few months prior to my high school graduation, my father, whom I was very very close to, decided to disconnect his phone, move, and drop off the face of the earth. To make a long story short, the next thing I heard of him, he was living with some woman and her two kids. One my age, one my sister's age. He took in this woman and her kids. I didn't actually see it for myself until I was about 23. And it hurt. Same situation, her kids pictures everywhere, pics of my dad and her son's graduation. My dad didn't even show up to mine. I wish I could offer you some real advice here, but to be honest with you, at 25, I still deal with it, when he doesn't call on holidays, etc. But at some point, I came to terms with it. It's just not worth it to be all stressed out after awhile. It only hurts you more.
Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:55pm
Dear MM,

I'm sorry that you have pain with what your father has done. I hope that you will be able to work through it. Your worth in this world is not determined by how much you have contact with your father, but by the person you have become!

I came from a family with a Dad that showed very little love or acceptance when I was growing up - and I had to learn to deal with that as it affected my self worth for many years. I did counseling and it did help me to learn and know that I was a good person by myself and didn't need the approval from him to feel good about myself.

Sure, I would still like to have more acceptance from him, but you can't let stuff like that eat you up inside or it takes up much of your energy and even grows into bigger proportians than what it originally started with. I feel that when you live striving for someone else's affection or attention, you never really feel good about yourself. You base your worth on what others think of you. I don't know if this an issue for you but I wanted to share that with you.

Do you have contact with your father now? I'm sure you are very special to him and he might not know how to show his feelings. My Dad still isn't very good at doing that, but I love him anyway!

Sherri

Pages