Almost divorce?????
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Almost divorce?????
| Tue, 05-11-2004 - 12:07pm |
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have 3 children (one from a previous realationship). Our relationship before marriage started out as friendship that ended with me having stronger feelings. I confronted him with how I felt and he told me that he wasn't ready for commitment and to take on the responsibility of raising my son. We stopped seeing each other and a year later were in a friend's wedding together. That is when he decided he loved me and was ready for whatever responsiblities. We married, have had 2 more children and he is a wonderful father. The problem that I am having is his that my husband loves to look at other women. He had a rather large collection of pornography when we got together. He also has one of those jobs that one day he may get off work at noon and the next not until late evening. I never saw this as a problem until I realized that we were having sexual relations only 1 or 2 times a month and that he was masturbating 2 to 4 times a week. He was going out with the guys after work and not calling and letting me know. I later found out that the majority of these outing were to strip clubs. I felt replaced. I discussed this with him and things got better for awhile. But it wasn't long and he went back to the same thing this time adding a twist. One night my best friend who was in from out of town was spending the night. That night I tried to turn my husband on, but he had no interest. He said he had to go upstairs to go to the bathroom and get a fan. He was taking a long time so I went upstairs and found him standing next to the couch where our friend was sleeping and he was masturbating. Wow, how I handled myself I will never know. This crushed me. (By the way, our friend was informed of the situation.) After going and talking to a married counselor, he promised to control his urges and we threw all of his porn away. He started calling me after work to let me know he was going out and where he was going. The masturbation never stopped and our sex life never improved. I felt like there was nothing I could do and to let it go because at least he wasn't looking at other women to help out. Then about a month ago he called to say he was going out with his buddies to Hooter's. This is a restaurant that I can take me children to so I wasn't offended until he got home and wouldn't shut up about the women. The conversation got heated and he ended up telling me that I was ugly, I didn't take care of myself, and I didn't do anything for him he said that those girls were pretty, had nice butts, were nice to hime and did everything for him. Ouch again. He said that the reason he looked at other women was my fault because I didn't get the house clean and that I have to much going on inside of my head and can't get anything accomplished. I have seen the doctor about this before because I realized something was wrong with me. The doctor said it was depression and put me on medication now my husband is using it against me and saying everything is my fault. I let this last fight pass and vowed that is would be that last time I let him make me feel this way. A week ago I tried getting a hold of him and couldn't. When I finally did, he said he was a Larosa's with his boss. For some reason I didn't believe him and I was close to Larosa's so I went there. He wasn't there. I called him back and said where are you and he continued to lie. I found out that he was at Hooter's. I went crazy. He has been staying with his grandmother for the last week. He continues to tell me everything is my fault. I shouldn't have been following him and I wouldn't have caught him in a lie. Then when I tell him that when I don't get the house clean to his liking that it is not to intentially hurt him and that he was wrong to inteltially hurt me and punish me for this. He says that he will come home if I will promise to let him live his life and have some freedom. I love him dearly and would love to save our marriage and family however, I don't think I can handle anymore. Even if he says I will not go out to see other women do I trust him? I don't want to make him change, I would rather him change on his own and to see the hurt that these things cause me. I believe that I would rather divorce than have him resent me for making him change. Please give me some insight. I know not what to do!!!!!!!!
Signatures On
| Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:03pm |
Almost divorce nothing....I would suggest going ahead and filing. Normally I would suggest marriage counseling but seeing that you already tried that route and it was just a temporary fix, I think it would be the same a 2nd, 3rd...etc time around. He has a problem, not you. You may be depressed but who wouldn't be putting up with the crap you have? He is a sex/porn addict (I'm sure there is a medical term for this). He is blaming this addiction on you and trying to make you feel like it's your fault he is the way he is--this way you'll eventually give in and he can continue guilt free! It's NOT your fault. I'd just about bet he's been like this well before you came into the picture, you just didn't know about it. These things develop over long periods of time, not just overnight. That being the situation, you alone can't change him. He needs professional help for his addiction...and even then it's not a guarntee. If you want to stand by him while he gets help that's fine but remember it takes a while and you won't see an immediate change. You will have to put up with it longer and I personally think you have long enough. They say love is blind...well I say it is blind-ing. You may love this man but it takes more than that to make a marriage survive. He is wanting you to change and accept his selfish and thougless behavior. If you bend to that you will only become worse (more depressed and lower self-esteem). He's telling you he will only come back under those terms, then tell him "it's been nice knowing you, I will not put up with being 2nd in your life!" Give him the ultimadum instead of him giving you one. Under the circumstance he's not in a position to be giving ultimadums. It should be you cannot come back unless you stop these hurtful and decietful habits. If he doesn't care enough to change then you and your children deserve better. He obviouslly doen't care that it bothers you so much or he would realize that it's wrong and change for himself. You should be a priority in his life since you are his wife but he is putting his thoughts and want and sexual desire of other women before you. Your children need you to be STRONG. If you stay in this relationship it will only continue to wear you away. I've seen it happen before...your children DO KNOW something is wrong. They can sense it. If you give him an inch he'll take a mile (he always has in the past). If you promise to let him live his life and have some freedom then he'll take it to the next level...again. I think you've let it go far enough and already gave him pleanty of chances to change on his own. I would see a lawyer reguarding finances and child support and get the heck out of dodge before he does anymore damage. Maybe then he'll have all the space and freedom he needs to pursue his "other" interests and you'll be free of the burden of trying to live up to his expectations. Who knows, maybe taking such a drastic measure will give him the kick in the butt he needs to get his priorities straight in life. I wish you the best of luck and please keep us posted...
