Alone in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Alone in a relationship
10
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:02pm
Sorry for the length...I need serious help, please!

I'm 26 years old, my live in boyfriend is 33. We've lived together for 7 years. In order to make life a little easier, we decided very early on to share our income and bills. This never really created any problems. Our relationship has always been very open, we talk about everything. We rarely fight, we love each other, and love being with each other. Now here's the problem, he has no initiative. Really, I mean zero, zip, nada. EVERYTHING ever acomplished in our lives since we've been together has been because of me. When it's time to move on to the next rental, I find the houses, talk to the agencies, and set up walk throughs. When he lost his job, I searched and applied to all jobs. When the house is a mess, the dishes need to be done, the trash taken out, I do it. When food needs to be bought, meals need to be planned and cooked, I do it. When bills need to be paid, I do it. You get the point. The only thing he does is mow the lawn, and he barely does that. We are currently in the process of purchasing our first home together. For the past year I have done hours and hours of research of neighborhoods, houses, and the home buying process, he has done nothing. Because we are at a point now that we need to make a decision, I need for him to be educated enough to help in making that huge decision. He still has made no effort to educate himself. I feel like I'm just dragging him along for the ride. I've talked to him about his lack of effort, it's the only thing we fight about. I have tried yelling, crying, calmly talking, not saying anything, and I've even stopped paying bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc...nothing has worked! I've told him that I feel that he's taking advantage of me and one day I will get tired of having this conversation/argument. I've pointed out that he acts more like my son than my husband. When asked why he makes no effort, his answers are always one or all three of the following:

1-he says nothing(this is most common)

2-"I'm afraid to fail, that's why I don't try"

3-"I don't mean to make you feel that way"

All I ask of him is that he makes the effort. I've even told him that! Still nothing. I finally broke down one night and asked him why he's never proposed to me. His answer, "because I can't do it the way I want to". Meaning we don't have the money for a ring.(by the way, I don't need a ring, that's not what's important to me) That's fine, I have no issues with that, what I do have issue with is the fact that he could put a little money aside each week to get me that ring. But has he, NO! Once again, no effort. Believe it or not, I could go on for many pages of examples, but I won't. How do I knock some sense into this man/boy? How do I make him see that if he doesn't start making some effort, really any effort, that I will leave? I don't want to leave, but I can't be in a onesided realtionship. Thanks for listening! Any help greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:27pm
You need to wise up....you're his mother and he's a child. That is precisely the dynamic that you're living in.

He does waht he wants that you can't control - and you provide the upgrades to his lifestyle that he doesn't prioritize, doesn't mind having, but won't work to achieve on his own.

Honey...I know this is hard...I've been you. You've invested alot of time, energy, humiliation, embarrassment, sacrifice and tolerance in this man...and he is NOT going to prioritize and value what you do.

Notice when you stopped "doing it all" - he didn't care. Why is that? Because having that done is NOT a priority with himm...and if in the future you were ill or injured, NONE OF IT WOULD GET DONE because he oesn't prioritize it enough to sacrifice to do it.

This isn't "about you"...this is about you being 19...and him being 26....and you being more responsible, aggressive, pro-active, intelligent, realistic, logical, and sensible about "how to live life, make ends meet, make headway and succeed" - than he was at 26 or now 33.

You're not going to change him....aisle/altar/hymn is NOT "I'll alter him". Basically, if you want "things" - you'lldo the research, saving, purchasing and maintaining. If you want to "do things" - you'll plan, prepare, provide and purchase and take him along. If you want "him to do things' - you're SOL - because he has not grown up enough to do it, and doesn't value it being done.

He's not going to propose because he doesn't want to...he's just lazy.....about ring purchase, about saving for the ring, about dropping to one knee, about committing for a lifetime.

I bet something is pretty evident.....that you honestly believe that once you marry he'll become responsible, aggressive, intelligent, and realistic about life, how it works, how to succeed and get ahead. And he sees that and knows "uh oh, the dayI say I do and I still do nothing at all, my easy ride is up."

Realize that you'll never become what you could be - dragging him along. If you want him along, realize that there are things you're never going to have or get..and hope one of those things for everybody's sake is "'kids" - because wht you don't need is to raise kids while watching dad be a deadbeat and mother be drop dead tired from "doing it all".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:38am
I would NOT buy a house with this man - I'd be seriously thinking about ending the relationship if I were you. Do you really want to spend your life with a man that prioritizes his laziness over anything else in his or your lives? (And his excuses are pathetic).

Really, it might be fine right now - but bring children into the picture - what then? Are you going to have to do that all by yourself too? It sounds like the two of you don't fight because you give him no reason to fight - you do everything for him!! Then when you do express concerns he does absolutely nothing to show you that he is prepared and willing to step up to the plate.

This is a mother/child relationship, not a relationship of equals where there are two responsible pro-active and considerate adults - in your relationship there is only one - you!

Good luck.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:56am
Hi Charliesgirl,

You know the answer, don't you? It's time to cut your losses and move on. As hard and sad as it may be and as much as you may love this person, he IS dragging you down. Think about what he DOES bring to your relationship and it doesn't sound like it's much. You sound like you're a go-getter, a confident, independent woman, and you need to be with someone who not only appreciates that about you but shares it with you. How can you respect this person? He's taking advantage of a good thing and you have clearly tried your very best to do everything you can to improve things. But seven years has proven everything you need to know. Obviously, I don't know you or your boyfriend, but from an outsider's point of view, it's time to move on. Good luck with whatever you do.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:04am
This is HOW HE IS. He's been this way for your entire relationship, and probably his whole life. He's not going to change! You either need to accept him as is, or end the relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:53pm
I read your post and the responses, and I feel your pain. I am in a similar relationship as you, and I know that when you read the other responses, it will upset you to hear that they think it's time to leave.

Are you in love with this man? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If so, then I think it's worth trying to do something about this before cutting your losses.

Let's say you get home tonight and have a chat with him. Tell him how important it is for you to grow and mature, and that buying your own home is an important step for you. But, you notice how unimportant it is to him. So, you've been thinking about doing it on your own, and letting him join you when it's a priority for him.

I know that you may not realistically be able to buy a house by yourself, but tell him that you have contacted your bank and they have propsed a plan for you to do so. The point is, see how he reacts to this. Just think, if you go buy a house and move out, who's going to clean up after him, cook him dinner, etc. He'll have to pay the full rent, and it will only look bad on him if he doesn't.

If he doesn't care that you are thinking of moving out, well then maybe he doesn't love you the same way you love him, and maybe it is time to move on. But, maybe, he just needs a rude awakening.

Let me know what you think.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:26pm

You cannot change anyone. There's no such thing as "knocking sense into someone". People are who they are, they only change is they become motivated to do so. Change takes committment, discipline, hard work and most of the time working with a trained professional, because there are issues we cannot see about ourselves. (If we could they would be solved by now). You have many things in the relationship you like, but you also have this person who is very passive and has blocks towards taking the initiative or being pro-active. You have to see whether you can live with this kind of situation forever. If you can't, or don't want to, just let him know that. Be simple and honest and tell him you love him but do not envision a life like this. (By the way, he might not ever propose either - just drag along.) It's up to you to decide what you want for your own life, what is meaningful and crucial and also timetables. If he can't or won't meet those needs, then it's best to move on and find someone who is more suitable. No need to yell at him about this, but let him know that this is not something you can live with forever. Perhaps it will be a wake up call. If you just keep doing everything and giving everything, he feels no real pressure to change. Perhaps if he really feels you'll leave, he'll have to get going on building a life of his own. Or, getting help doing so.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 3:14pm
I have to disagree with that. People do change...all the time. You may not be able to force someone to change, but that doesn't mean that they will not change. There are people who are addicted to alcohol and drugs. As time goes on, they could decide to change, and end up leading a great life and mending all the things they have ruined. People are capable of change. Maybe he will not, but that doesn't mean he can not. There's a big difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:38pm
You have done way too much in this relationship and have gotten not nearly enough in return. A real relationship must be the dance of two with each one taking the lead.

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a son.

Now - you should go off on your own. In my opinion, I would never live with a man unless I was very sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he would make my life better than it is by myself (which is a tall order) AND he put a ring on my finger.

But that is my set of values.

At any rate - look at the positive:

1) You are only 26 and are still very young

2) You have learned a valuable lesson and hopefully won't repeat this mistake

3) You will look at this not like you have blown 7 years but like you won't waste another day

I think you should take the time to read some valuable relationship books, particularly Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (in your case) and learn a lesson.

Move out - get on your own two feet. See what happens. He might become worthy enough for you or you might find someone who is. But if you stay in this mess it will not be better, it will be worse.

I think of my friend's mom. She did everything for her husband - worked herself to the bone. He was brilliant, fun, bla bla bla. But he would never work or work around the house - got lazier as time went on. In the end she committed suicide. It was very sad.

You cannot change him - you can only change what YOU do.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:13am
Thanks to all for your helpful advise! The only answer might be to leave, but I don't think I'm ready to do that just yet. I don't view our 7 years together as a waste in anyway. If things don't work out between us, I will never regret a single day. He has taught me so much about myself, like how to laugh at myself, I will always be greatful for that. Since my original message he has made efforts to be a part of the home buying process. He's involved and is excited about purchasing a home. I know that's just a small step, but he has to start somewhere. I have to admit that I do think that he'll turn into a motivated man when we get married. I know that's not realistic. I feel compelled to follow my heart and not my brain. That's why I need a third party to help point out things my heart doesn't see. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:50pm
Oh, Charlie's Girl!

I feel so much for you! I was in a relationship EXACTLY like that for more than 4 years. And every time I told him I was going to leave if things didn't change, they'd change... for about 5 minutes. Then it was back to the same old, same old. This is who he is. This is how he's going to be. And over time it's just absolutely crushing to your spirit to know that this person, who you'd go to the ends of the earth for, probably wouldn't go to the corner store for you, unless it was convenient for him to do so at any particular time on any particular day. I eventually left him, but it was about 2 years after I should have. I understand what it's like to know you should leave but not feel ready to. But I just wanted to relate a little story to you. The guy I dated is getting married this year. The engagement ring? Bought and paid for by her. The house they're going to live in, along with all the furniture and appliances? Bought and paid for by her. All the wedding arrangements, the hall, the caterers, the photographer,the honeymoon... all arrangements made by her, paid by her. He just has to show up. In speaking to him, there is absolutely nothing in his voice that reveals any sort of excitement or enthusiasm over his upcoming nuptials. Honestly, I am SO glad it's not me getting married to him! This is EXACTLY how I envisioned it would be if I did. I don't even know this woman, but I feel sorry for her, because she deserves to have a fiance who is absolutely thrilled to be getting married. We all do! Can you even imagine what the future's going to hold for the two of them? He'll probably never leave, because that would require too much effort. But her? I feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Marjie