always thinking the worst

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
always thinking the worst
2
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 9:07pm
Hello,

I am a 22 year Old female, I recently have found the love of my life, he is an amazing guy. But I have one problem...me!! I am always so scared of getting hurt! I always think the worst of everything. Like is he cheating, is he lying to me? I am sure he is not, and he has never givin' me a reason to think this, but I always get myself freaked out! like if he calls and says he is hanging out with his frineds, I always freak myself out wondering if that is the truth and if he is with another woman. or if he doesn't call or just the little things I get myself worried,like oh he hasn't called, is he mad? etc etc. I know he really cares for me and he shows it,I bite my tounge and I dont take it out on him so he does not know I feel this way, because I do trust him and I dont want him to think I don't. I guess I am afraid of getting hurt but it really bugs me, I hate feeling like this and i do not know how to calm myself down. can anyone give me some advice??

Thanks.

Mind racing Jen.


Edited 1/14/2004 6:36:58 AM ET by jenniferhillyer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 9:56am
You might not like this theory, but here it is...

You have a problem with your self-esteem and probably some codependency issues. That's probably the reason for all this insecurity.

I know that I was very much like that in my relationship with my (ex) husband. I had no idea at the time why I felt so insecure when he was telling me he loved me every five seconds... It took years to uncover the real reasons...

Perhaps on an unconcious level, you are looking to this relationship to 'finally give you the happiness you've been searching for?'. Which is why it would be so potentially devastating to you if something happened that destroyed this potential happiness. Does that sound like you? If so, it is very dysfunctional thinking.

As for what to do - do some reading on codependency to see if it is a fit - also, every time you find yourself worrying - try to bring the focus back to your life and the things that you can control. Look, what's the worst that can happen? If he cheats, you'll be devastated, but you WILL get over it and move on. Don't let these feelings rule your world.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:10pm
It sounds like you have had some experiences in the past where you were the victim of being cheated on by your mate or something. Whatever the experience was - you still haven't worked through it and that's why you are so paranoid where your current boyfriend is concerned.

The good news is - is that you are not the only one who has experienced this. I have been there before myself and what I had to do was to stop judging my current boyfriend off of the actions of my previous boyfriends. Does that make sense? What I am saying is that I had to learn how to release and let go of that baggage and learn how to embrace my boyfriend for the man that he is and the relationship we have. I knew that if I didn't, I would drive myself crazy - and destroy the relationship as a result.

The only advice that I can give you is to work through you past experiences. Read some self-help books are getting through troubled relationships. I believe that once you have moved passed this troubling experience then you will be able to fully enjoy and embrace your relationship and your boyfriend without being paranoid.

Good luck...