Am I asking too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Am I asking too much?
3
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:39am
Don't really know where to start. I love my wife but living with her has been difficult. She hurt her back almost 5 years ago, and had back surgery a little over a year ago. Any thoughts of kids were put on hold 5 years ago. During the last two years things have been limited to holding hands once in a blue moon.

I think her not wanting to sit next to me or be held by me is what causes the most discomfort. And any mention of my concerns totally upsets her. I might be able to deal with some level of response from her. But the total shutdown on her part is driving me right out the door.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:10pm
No you are not asking too much. Sounds like your wife may be depressed. Has the doctor offered any support suggestions - counseling?

Reading material to consider:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

You need to have a conversation with her that doesn't make her feel corner or attacked. "I know we have had a stressful year with surgery and all. How do you feel? - I'm worried that we are growing farther apart, mentally, emotionally and physcially. I do not want to add to your stress, yet I need to know if there is something we can do together to make this better between us? I need your help. Will you help? Would you consider going to counseling with me or reading a few books?

Let her talk. I hope it works out for you both.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:55pm
Of course you are not asking too much to want a close relationship with your wife. Right now it doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage at all. I agree that this has escalated to a point where you may not be able to get things back to "normal" (although I don't know what "normal" was for you two before her surgery) by yourselves. I think itwinflame's suggestions were good ones. Talk to her in a non-threatening way about how SHE feels. She is no doubt well aware of your unhappiness and possibly feels guilty and depressed about it, and if she doesn't feel able to behave as you'd like her to she may be feeling threatened and defensive. If this is a medical problem you should seek advice from her doctor, but if you grow much farther apart emotionally you may also need to seek some counselling for yourselves as individuals and/or as a couple.

Just know you are not out of line to want to feel happy and content, loved and close to your wife. Everyone deserves that. But BOTH of you will have to want it and be willing to do what's necessary in order to find it and have it -- you can't do it on your own. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:27pm

Id her distance due to pain or maybe mixed emotions and maybe a little bit of guilt because she cant have children for awhile? She may be depressed about a little bit of both...As hard as I know it may be, try to understand her views, as she should you.


have you tried counseling to try to work thru these things?


In the end, all you can do is be honest with yourself, and each other...