Am I being crazy I just don't know anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Am I being crazy I just don't know anymore
11
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 4:17pm

My husband would never do anything to intentionally hurt me but this whole situation has been driving me crazy. 

Last week I had looked at his iphone to find out our friend's number because I somehow had the wrong number. Also we are pretty open about our iphones and ipads, we both tend to pick up whoevers phone without much of a thought to anything because neither of us would have anything that I would find uncomfortable. . Anyway, in the process of this, I discovered there is a woman from work that has been texting him. Who I then found out was one of his interns who is a senior at a local university which makes this seem more inappropriate to me than anything. But tell me if this stuff seems a little weird--Most of the stuff is about lunch, she sends him pictures of food. But then there was stuff like there are goodies-and he answers where? and she says In my tummy!. Then another one of her saying you know how i like lunch? well my BODY doesn't like lunch when I go for a swim at lunch. He answers sorry to hear you are not feeling well.  But most of it is innocent but flirty. Except he sent her postcards from his work trips because she sent him a picture of her postcard wall at work. Then the most recent on her last day, he took their department out for lunch. But he asks her if she needs cab money to get to the airport which is typical of him. But then he says "miss you already, have a safe trip!"  The miss you already thing made me upset because he travels for work and I never get a miss you already. 

He doesn't have her saved in his contacts its just the number which I find shady like he knew it was wrong or why wouldn't he save her number. I however work where I can run phone numbers to find the names which I did and then just googled her and found her twitter, linkedin and blog.   But am I being crazy? What I had thought was I would wait to see if she sends him any more and then say something. But then last night we were sitting and watching TV only for his phone to vibrate and there were 2 messages from her. I confronted him about it just asking what was going on. He said nothing. It's just friendly.  However I then asked about the postcards to which he said no he didn't send her cards, well there was the picture and the text evidence on his phone.   
I get yeah he talks to women at work and sometimes they do text him but its usually not flirty and most of them are married. This one however since she's his intern and he's her boss i just feel weird about. I mean she's 15 years his junior and still in college. Didn't he think it's inappropriate to be texting a girl? Or even think his wife would be bothered? I told friends and they are like talk to him about it, but i tried and he's like there isn't anything going on I don't get the big deal. Well the big deal is it needs to stop and I don't know if it will. 
I feel bad because lately I haven't been the best wife. HIs parents came for a 2 day visit and ended up staying 3 weeks mostly because his dad had a minor thing he needed to have done at the doctor. But it was just a lot for me to do plus before that we had his sister's wedding and somehow we got stuck hosting parties before and after it. I did complain a lot and he says I"m always yelling at him. Usually I'm trying to talk but he's just not listening.  
I just don't know what to do. If I keep talking about it or if I let it go and see what happens. Half of me thought to contact the girl and be like I think it's inappropriate but then the other half thinks its his to stop not mine. 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
I think texting is the most damaging thing ever invented from a relationship standpoint...it seems to make people lose all judgement. If she is done working there, I would stop talking about it with him, and start working on your relationship. If things have been stressful, what can you do to unstressed them? Maybe you could send him some flirty texts? You asked, he said it was nothing...I think he deserves your trust, and the girl will hopefully move on, grow up, and learn better boundaries...don't let her be the third person in our marriage...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You said it was her last day of work so hopefully it will die down.  From what you said about the texts, it doesn't sound really like flirting to be sending pics of food & postcards--they weren't having any sex talk or anything like that.  I do think he's go to watch it a little being that he is her boss--that kind of stuff sounds pretty childish on his part to keep going along w/ it and he's got to draw a line--being someone's boss doesn't necessarily mean that you can be their friend.  Like if he doesn't give her a good recommendation he's got to watch out about sexual harrassment & stuff like that, plus he's not exactly training her how to act in an employment situation.  That might be something that you could point out.  I remember having young interns & having to tell them things like how to dress appropriately in a work environment. 

I do think you are on shaky ground though if you realize that you have been complaining & he perceives you as yelling a lot.  When a guy thinks of his wife as being kind of annoying & not caring about him too much and then he has this nice young girl at work who is probably looking up to him & being funny & nice to him all day I think his attention is going to be drawn to her.  I do agree that the thing to do is look at how you are communicating to him--start paying attention to him and flirting and being attentive.  I think it's pretty rare that a guy who is happy at home is going to go out & looking for some attention on the side.  And whatever you do, don't embarrass yourself by telling the girl not to text your DH--you are right, it has to come from him to say it's inappropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006

Thank you both for the advice! I had tried to talk to him but he really wasn't wanting to talk about it. He did say he will stop sending her texts or replying to hers.  But he wasn't really talking to me today or last night. I think because he didn't get the whole harassment thing I was trying to tell him and how it is good to have boundaries with your employees. He saw it as I was telling him not to talk to someone which wasn't the case. I just was uncomfortble and also didn't want him to get into trouble. But I know he feels like I was lecturing him.  The younger people don't always know what boundaries are in a workplace. I know our interns needed to have explained to them what business casual is. They are accustomed to texting everyone. I do agree though that texting is the worst thing to happen to relationships. His workplace is very odd in that everyone is just all friends whether they are boss or not. So he thinks they are all buddies. Maybe because I work for a law firm and see the cases about this stuff I know a bit more as to what is just not right.  I have to trust him. I know that. I do need to flirt more with him though too instead of being the tired grumpy wife.  I think we also just need a vacation alone without family or friends around to spend some time together. Our whole summer has been one thing after another with family and friends.  I think I also may need to go see someone to talk to them about my anxiety too that may help out.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Yeah the "miss you already" thing sounds a bit inappropriate,especially since he doesn't say things like that to you. I think if he's not working with her anymore there's no reason for him to be talking to her.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 4:41pm
If he agreed to stop sending her texts or replying to hers, and she is gone from his workplace now, hopefully communication will simply die off. However the "miss you already" comment was definitely inappropriate. Not something a married man should be saying to a coworker. Of course he does not want to talk about it because he knows you caught him with his hand just grabbing the lid of the cookie jar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006

Thank you everyone! Yeah I'm keeping my eyes and ears open. Hopefully it stops. I haven't seen anything from her since I said something about it and he deleted all her contact info. So hopefully he understands and it stops. I'm trying to be more aware of how I am with him at home and be a little more attentive instead of coming home annoyed with work. 

We were hoping to go away for our anniversary for a week. But now my wonderful boss as usual won't let me have off that week which is another issue. Hopefully though something works out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I have to say I agree. My friend's husband had a "friend" he met through work who also was much younger (just turned 21) and they would text each other innocently at first, saying hello or passing along jokes and funny stuff. Then it escalated to where they were texting each other while he was at home with his wife & kids, then eventually it ended up with him telling the text friend that he wished he could be with her instead of his wife. AND, he told all his friends he was going to leave his wife (which he neglected to tell his wife!) and was constantly going on and on to his friends how "beautiful" the text friend was. It almost blew up into a huge disaster before he woke up and realized he almost lost everything over someone he barely knew and was only attracted to because she was very young, flattered him and made him feel like a young stud. Thankfully he got ahold of himself before more damage was done. But he had to come this close to losing his family before he realized how stupid he was being.

I hope the OP's situation doesn't get to this point...